So I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.
Some work, some don't.
At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!
Life is full of interesting conflits right now.
The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation which arose from me trying to do another thing I was urged to - be assertive. In fact J and I celebrated the fact that I had been assertive and had expressed my feelings about the pressure being put on many members of staff by the management. I was feeling good about it. Feeling I was making progress.
Then the management responded.
And I switched right back into childhood and childish responses, and self blame, and self harm, and dark dark intentions and thoughts which left my GP wanting to refer me to the crisis team. And to me refusing that offer (which will be no surprise to anyone who read my blog during my previous contact with the mental health team.)
So new meds, revisiting old meds, increased contact with my GP (who IS wonderful) and with J (who is also wonderful). All occuring during the holiday - which is probably a good thing in some ways, but in others is crappy, because being away from work allows me to catastrophise and imagine and think everyone there must hate me... and because it's the holidays and I want to be enjoying and appreciating them.
Oh, and I have a broken tooth so imminent dental work (big trigger) and an "invitation" to make an appointment for a smear test (even bigger trigger) and money is tight and and and...
But there you go.
All kinds of things are conflating at the moment, and I am just working at staying upright and functioning. Compartmentalising to the nth degree. Feeling very uncertain that this will ever end in a good way, but trying to hang ont o the fact that J and my GP both assure me that it will end in a good way and that they will stick by me until it does.
Depression sucks. Just in case you didn't know it.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Saturday, 21 February 2009
Personal progress
I'm trying to note this as I see it.
Counselling sessions with J are having a big impact. Yes, the sessions are often tough and I do spiral down from time to time. But I have not missed a single day of work since I started seeing her. The flashbacks have become much less frequent and much less terrifying. I'm not feeling that incapacitating depression, or the anxiety that I was feeling regularly before I started seeing her. When I do encounter them, the periods are fleeting and I have strategies which I can use to try to manage them.
I'm starting to believe it is not all my fault. That's a process and likely to be a lengthy one.
I'm beginning to be able to say no on a more regular basis. I am more inclined to weigh up requests. I'm getting more inclined to express what I want as well - to the surprise of some people, I suspect.
I'm so grateful for her help and support.
Counselling sessions with J are having a big impact. Yes, the sessions are often tough and I do spiral down from time to time. But I have not missed a single day of work since I started seeing her. The flashbacks have become much less frequent and much less terrifying. I'm not feeling that incapacitating depression, or the anxiety that I was feeling regularly before I started seeing her. When I do encounter them, the periods are fleeting and I have strategies which I can use to try to manage them.
I'm starting to believe it is not all my fault. That's a process and likely to be a lengthy one.
I'm beginning to be able to say no on a more regular basis. I am more inclined to weigh up requests. I'm getting more inclined to express what I want as well - to the surprise of some people, I suspect.
I'm so grateful for her help and support.
Thursday, 4 December 2008
On being a weeble....
Started a new therapeutic approach with J today. It will help, I think, but I am feeling very tired tonight, and rather overwhelmed by new memories and connections. That's what the process is partly about, though, so I am trying to go with it and ride it. Today was an easier day for me, fortunately, in that I had more ability to direct my own time. Tomorrow is a full teaching day so I am hoping that a good night's sleep will recharge and rebalance me.
I didn't go to yoga - a combination of being worn out and having a meeting which left me with only 15 minutes to change and go out again. I think it was the best decision. I've been watching some TV instead, having written down reactions and thoughts from the therapy. Writing things down is such a helpful tool for me - it enables me to process things.
Thanks for your encouraging comments. I'm trying to keep moving in the right direction - or at least to follow the example of the weebles*.
*"weebles wobble but they don't fall down."
Thursday, 20 November 2008
Counselling session
J was gentle and so kind.
I told her how things are.
She asked me to keep safe, asked me to promise her I would try to keep safe.
She said it mattered to her that I was safe.
She asked me to take the stored (old) meds to the chemist to dispose of. I did it today. I feel rather scared without them.
She has said I can phone her, asked me to text her each evening.
It's all a bit of a mess, all so up and down, so compartmentalised.
I told her how things are.
She asked me to keep safe, asked me to promise her I would try to keep safe.
She said it mattered to her that I was safe.
She asked me to take the stored (old) meds to the chemist to dispose of. I did it today. I feel rather scared without them.
She has said I can phone her, asked me to text her each evening.
It's all a bit of a mess, all so up and down, so compartmentalised.
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Counselling
Really good session today.
Looked at ways of coping with a difficult person. Very helpful.
Looked at unhelpful messages from the past. Looked at keeping the adult me in control.
I am so grateful for the skills and compassion of my counsellor.
Looked at ways of coping with a difficult person. Very helpful.
Looked at unhelpful messages from the past. Looked at keeping the adult me in control.
I am so grateful for the skills and compassion of my counsellor.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
Counselling
An update.
It's going really well. I trust my new counsellor and like the way she works. We have touched on a lot of things - some very painful, some very scary - and she helps me feel safe in that. She uses therapeutic touch - not massage, just sitting close, or a hand on my arm, or a hug. All very helpful when I am in "scared child" mode. She's very like D in that, and that helps me not to miss D quite so much.
We talked yesterday about brain development where there is a lack of nurturing. That helped; helped me to understand why I react as I do, why I am in a constant state of mental arousal, alertness. We also did some work on calming those instincts. She's helping me develop better self-soothing skills (something children in nurturing environments learn through example). Yesterday we worked on some visualisation and a mantra. We developed some practical strategies, which I have begun today to put into place.
I'd forgotten my strategy of changing out of work clothes when I get home, and into "leisure" clothes. Have begun that again; it's very helpful.
I'm trying to do some daily yoga / exercise type activity - sometimes a massage, sometimes a class, sometimes a DVD. That also provides a space for me, a time to calm my mind.
I'm also taking time at points during the day to go away from everyone and use a mantra or a visualisation, just to calm my mind, find some peace and quiet.
It's good, and helpful. I'm hopeful about this. She lets me know she accepts all of me, and that makes me feel able to show more than I might.
It's going really well. I trust my new counsellor and like the way she works. We have touched on a lot of things - some very painful, some very scary - and she helps me feel safe in that. She uses therapeutic touch - not massage, just sitting close, or a hand on my arm, or a hug. All very helpful when I am in "scared child" mode. She's very like D in that, and that helps me not to miss D quite so much.
We talked yesterday about brain development where there is a lack of nurturing. That helped; helped me to understand why I react as I do, why I am in a constant state of mental arousal, alertness. We also did some work on calming those instincts. She's helping me develop better self-soothing skills (something children in nurturing environments learn through example). Yesterday we worked on some visualisation and a mantra. We developed some practical strategies, which I have begun today to put into place.
I'd forgotten my strategy of changing out of work clothes when I get home, and into "leisure" clothes. Have begun that again; it's very helpful.
I'm trying to do some daily yoga / exercise type activity - sometimes a massage, sometimes a class, sometimes a DVD. That also provides a space for me, a time to calm my mind.
I'm also taking time at points during the day to go away from everyone and use a mantra or a visualisation, just to calm my mind, find some peace and quiet.
It's good, and helpful. I'm hopeful about this. She lets me know she accepts all of me, and that makes me feel able to show more than I might.
Friday, 5 September 2008
End of week 1
A successful day, I think. I managed to be fairly assertive with our technician without getting into a confrontation. I have the data I need in order to add pupils to the learning platform. Got frustrated a few times - with waiting around for someone who said they wanted to see me but was then too busy doing other things... When time is short, it's hard to be hanging around waiting. Waiting isn't my strong point - I like to do, to sort, to finish...
The last lesson of the day wasn't brilliant. A difficult class, who had just had PE, and before that a wet lunchtime (so they were indoors - not good), and the end of the day, end of the week. Decided on reflecting that I had done all I could to make the lesson successful - it was down to them, not me. Ah well. A new week on Monday.
More positively I went to the gym after work, and a friend came round - we had a great gossip. And it is the weekend. I don't have to get up early tomorrow. I can take some time to go in to town, maybe choose some books, do some shopping... All good.
On Tuesday I see J again. All good.
The last lesson of the day wasn't brilliant. A difficult class, who had just had PE, and before that a wet lunchtime (so they were indoors - not good), and the end of the day, end of the week. Decided on reflecting that I had done all I could to make the lesson successful - it was down to them, not me. Ah well. A new week on Monday.
More positively I went to the gym after work, and a friend came round - we had a great gossip. And it is the weekend. I don't have to get up early tomorrow. I can take some time to go in to town, maybe choose some books, do some shopping... All good.
On Tuesday I see J again. All good.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Good day
Manic, but good.
Spent the morning (while tutors were meeting their new classes) sorting out ICT problems, setting up accounts and doing other useful and necessary stuff. Had a good talk with a close colleague about new schemes etc - she did tell me to slow down at one point and I have to admit my brain WAS buzzing!
This afternoon I taught two lessons. Both highly interactive and (on the whole) enjoyable. For my first lesson (Maths) I intended to use the voting pads we have in school, but time ran away with me. However, am all ready to use them in tomorrow's lesson so was not wasted.
My second lesson was English, with a challenging class. However, they really seemed to enjoy the lesson I had planned for them. Just had one lad who wouldn't engage; I can see I am going to need to work really hard with him to establish positives. Food for thought.
Then on to my counselling session. Trying not to analyse too much; it's a different sort of counselling and I am having to adjust to not being able to see the route (though the end point is clear). It was very helpful, very nurturing, and very hard in places. Links all over the place; lots of ground covered, some important securing done.
This evening i managed to get to the gym for a body balance class. Hard work but I managed OK and it did feel good to get back. Waiting for E to text to summon me for taxi duties!
H had a good first day at school. Some real positives there - especially in terms of friendship, where her new friend refused to be bullied into rejecting her and instead rejected the bullies!
Like I say, a good day.
Spent the morning (while tutors were meeting their new classes) sorting out ICT problems, setting up accounts and doing other useful and necessary stuff. Had a good talk with a close colleague about new schemes etc - she did tell me to slow down at one point and I have to admit my brain WAS buzzing!
This afternoon I taught two lessons. Both highly interactive and (on the whole) enjoyable. For my first lesson (Maths) I intended to use the voting pads we have in school, but time ran away with me. However, am all ready to use them in tomorrow's lesson so was not wasted.
My second lesson was English, with a challenging class. However, they really seemed to enjoy the lesson I had planned for them. Just had one lad who wouldn't engage; I can see I am going to need to work really hard with him to establish positives. Food for thought.
Then on to my counselling session. Trying not to analyse too much; it's a different sort of counselling and I am having to adjust to not being able to see the route (though the end point is clear). It was very helpful, very nurturing, and very hard in places. Links all over the place; lots of ground covered, some important securing done.
This evening i managed to get to the gym for a body balance class. Hard work but I managed OK and it did feel good to get back. Waiting for E to text to summon me for taxi duties!
H had a good first day at school. Some real positives there - especially in terms of friendship, where her new friend refused to be bullied into rejecting her and instead rejected the bullies!
Like I say, a good day.
Monday, 1 September 2008
finished
I met up with D for our last session. Parts of it were very sad, parts were scary (especially at first), parts were positive and good.
I'm going to miss her so much.
Am going out for a massage soon and when I return need to plan my lessons for tomorrow. That will keep me busy.
I'm going to miss her so much.
Am going out for a massage soon and when I return need to plan my lessons for tomorrow. That will keep me busy.
Saturday, 30 August 2008
Endings yet again
I'd love to come to the end of endings - or to not worry about them so much.
Things I'm going to miss about D:
She keeps her promises.
She encourages me to ask for what I need.
She is not afraid to use touch to help me when I can't communicate. She will put her hand on my arm, hold my hand or even rub my back when things are "too bad" for words.
She respects the children in me.
Her positive feedback - "I think you're doing really well".
She shows me that she believes me.
She always starts our sessions with a smile.
She makes sure I am safe before we finish.
She helps me to take risks in order to move on.
She is gentle with me.
She notices how I am feeling and responding during a session.
She can pick up the signs that I have dissociated and bring me back gently and safely.
She communicates with me, giving me a written record of each session. This is SO important for me, because often I forget the details of what we have done.
She points out when she thinks I need more help than she can give, for example the crisis team, and enables me to seek that help.
She accepts me.
Things I'm going to miss about D:
She keeps her promises.
She encourages me to ask for what I need.
She is not afraid to use touch to help me when I can't communicate. She will put her hand on my arm, hold my hand or even rub my back when things are "too bad" for words.
She respects the children in me.
Her positive feedback - "I think you're doing really well".
She shows me that she believes me.
She always starts our sessions with a smile.
She makes sure I am safe before we finish.
She helps me to take risks in order to move on.
She is gentle with me.
She notices how I am feeling and responding during a session.
She can pick up the signs that I have dissociated and bring me back gently and safely.
She communicates with me, giving me a written record of each session. This is SO important for me, because often I forget the details of what we have done.
She points out when she thinks I need more help than she can give, for example the crisis team, and enables me to seek that help.
She accepts me.
Thursday, 28 August 2008
Better day
Thank goodness.
Saw J for the first time today - potential new counsellor recommended by my GP. It was a really good session. All went well, all looks promising, and I feel so much safer knowing there is a "space" and a support in place after Monday when I see D for the last time. That last session actually feels manageable now - very reassuring. It will still be hard to end it all, but at least I know I can work on the things I still need to work on. What is more, there is no limit to the number of sessions I can have with J, and I can pay what I can afford to.
I feel safe.
Saw J for the first time today - potential new counsellor recommended by my GP. It was a really good session. All went well, all looks promising, and I feel so much safer knowing there is a "space" and a support in place after Monday when I see D for the last time. That last session actually feels manageable now - very reassuring. It will still be hard to end it all, but at least I know I can work on the things I still need to work on. What is more, there is no limit to the number of sessions I can have with J, and I can pay what I can afford to.
I feel safe.
Monday, 25 August 2008
Something of a breakthrough
... with the ending of my sessions with D, that is. I've been musing on finding some way of registering my journey so far - and the fact that it is not finished, in terms of dealing with issues. I know I can't just turn up at the session and expect to be able to talk about it - that's not the way it goes for me. If I am anxious / upset / scared (and I am feeling all of those things now about next Monday) then I clam up. So I wanted to have something to take with me. But what?
MMP's reply to my last post sparked something off, and combined neatly with a new tool I have just encountered (while looking for new ideas for teaching). Scrapblog looks like something some pupils will enjoy (I'm thinking of extension tasks here) and I have been playing with it to record my "therapy journey". It's helping, I think, and I expect to be able to export and print off the pages (I think taking my laptop to the session is one step too far!)
It's still going to be a tough one, but I think this will help along the way.
MMP's reply to my last post sparked something off, and combined neatly with a new tool I have just encountered (while looking for new ideas for teaching). Scrapblog looks like something some pupils will enjoy (I'm thinking of extension tasks here) and I have been playing with it to record my "therapy journey". It's helping, I think, and I expect to be able to export and print off the pages (I think taking my laptop to the session is one step too far!)
It's still going to be a tough one, but I think this will help along the way.
Saturday, 23 August 2008
Endings
Again, thinking about them.
I don't have good experiences with endings, for the most part. I'm keen to change this but it is a very difficult process for me - I'm so easily triggered back to panic.
So, has anyone got any ideas - or positive experiences to share - on the ending of therapeutic relationships (counselling etc)? I'm keen to plan for this to be as positive as possible but fearing it hugely.
I don't have good experiences with endings, for the most part. I'm keen to change this but it is a very difficult process for me - I'm so easily triggered back to panic.
So, has anyone got any ideas - or positive experiences to share - on the ending of therapeutic relationships (counselling etc)? I'm keen to plan for this to be as positive as possible but fearing it hugely.
Friday, 15 August 2008
Friday
Things spinning in my head a bit at the moment.
I have an appt with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. He's very nice and I do trust him - but because of what we are going to discuss I am being triggered right back into scared child mode. It feels very unstable and very frightening.
Plus D hasn't been in contact and that doesn't feel good.
And the contact through my GP hasn't yet materialised either.
Wanting to hide, to avoid.
I have an appt with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. He's very nice and I do trust him - but because of what we are going to discuss I am being triggered right back into scared child mode. It feels very unstable and very frightening.
Plus D hasn't been in contact and that doesn't feel good.
And the contact through my GP hasn't yet materialised either.
Wanting to hide, to avoid.
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Plans and control
Saw C today - it was useful.
She will come to my next outpatients' appt with Dr K with me. D has spoken to him about ongoing help with the abuse issues. Next Tuesday (when I have my appt) we will talk about the possibilities, apparently. That feels scary but C has said she will talk to him before then to fill in some detail and I won't need to go in to any detail with him.
We talked about my lack of energy and lack of motivation. She thinks it might be connected to my controlling my eating (ie trying not to, skipping meals) and also to the cold I have had.
We talked about control and how I can feel more in control at the moment. We discussed the lack of structure during holidays. I am going to identify 5 tasks for each day. So tomorrow my tasks are:
Take E to sleepover
Take H to have her ears pierced and to buy some new jeans
Shopping
Cook some meals for the freezer
Cut out the fabric for the bags I want to make (to store school supplies in so I can transport them more easily between lessons)
We also talked about the need for further help with the abuse issues - I said how insistent Dr M had been that I need specialised help and support. We agreed that this could be the last piece in the jigsaw and talked about how working through this could enable me to understand myself and cope better. I said how I felt that if I can look at things in a supportive environment I will be able to understand more why I am as I am, and that will help me to cope. Just like learning about schemas and how my schemas are triggered has made it much easier for me to cope with them. But I need to find a way of integrating things and I can't do that on my own.
This afternoon E and I did some cooking (H was with a friend). That was good. We made some potato dishes and some quiches - had quiche for tea and also have some to put in the freezer. Tomorrow I plan to make a variety of mince dishes, also for the freezer. Should all make it easier when term starts, and also lessen my guilt about W doing most of the day to day cooking.
She will come to my next outpatients' appt with Dr K with me. D has spoken to him about ongoing help with the abuse issues. Next Tuesday (when I have my appt) we will talk about the possibilities, apparently. That feels scary but C has said she will talk to him before then to fill in some detail and I won't need to go in to any detail with him.
We talked about my lack of energy and lack of motivation. She thinks it might be connected to my controlling my eating (ie trying not to, skipping meals) and also to the cold I have had.
We talked about control and how I can feel more in control at the moment. We discussed the lack of structure during holidays. I am going to identify 5 tasks for each day. So tomorrow my tasks are:
Take E to sleepover
Take H to have her ears pierced and to buy some new jeans
Shopping
Cook some meals for the freezer
Cut out the fabric for the bags I want to make (to store school supplies in so I can transport them more easily between lessons)
We also talked about the need for further help with the abuse issues - I said how insistent Dr M had been that I need specialised help and support. We agreed that this could be the last piece in the jigsaw and talked about how working through this could enable me to understand myself and cope better. I said how I felt that if I can look at things in a supportive environment I will be able to understand more why I am as I am, and that will help me to cope. Just like learning about schemas and how my schemas are triggered has made it much easier for me to cope with them. But I need to find a way of integrating things and I can't do that on my own.
This afternoon E and I did some cooking (H was with a friend). That was good. We made some potato dishes and some quiches - had quiche for tea and also have some to put in the freezer. Tomorrow I plan to make a variety of mince dishes, also for the freezer. Should all make it easier when term starts, and also lessen my guilt about W doing most of the day to day cooking.
Thursday, 7 August 2008
GP visit
I saw my GP today. I was really worried about it, but (of course) I needn't have been - none of my worries were borne out in the event.
She was really supportive and had good suggestions. I have stopped my meds again - and ended up telling her that. She asked me why, and listened to my reasons, but had good reasons of her own for me to restart not the escitalopram but the trazadone, and at a reasonable (not massive) dose, to help with the sleep. So I have agreed to that. She also said how important it is for me to have counselling right now, with sessions with D finishing, and had some good suggestions (including practical help) with that. Her suggestions tied in with those of others, and that helped, though financially I have no idea how it can be arranged. However, she is going to help with the practicalities of making contact, and that too is really helpful.
I need sleep so badly. And I need a break from the flashbacks and the new information. Last night was particularly bad in both respects. I felt so scared, and couldn't get the images and emotions out of my head. I have found an old supply of Temazepam and, since I haven't managed to collect the prescription she gave me today, will try that tonight. Just to be knocked out would be a relief.
She was really supportive and had good suggestions. I have stopped my meds again - and ended up telling her that. She asked me why, and listened to my reasons, but had good reasons of her own for me to restart not the escitalopram but the trazadone, and at a reasonable (not massive) dose, to help with the sleep. So I have agreed to that. She also said how important it is for me to have counselling right now, with sessions with D finishing, and had some good suggestions (including practical help) with that. Her suggestions tied in with those of others, and that helped, though financially I have no idea how it can be arranged. However, she is going to help with the practicalities of making contact, and that too is really helpful.
I need sleep so badly. And I need a break from the flashbacks and the new information. Last night was particularly bad in both respects. I felt so scared, and couldn't get the images and emotions out of my head. I have found an old supply of Temazepam and, since I haven't managed to collect the prescription she gave me today, will try that tonight. Just to be knocked out would be a relief.
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
While we are waiting
In my catching up on blog feeds after my holiday, I nearly missed a gem - which I am listening to as I type. The Women's Hour Health feature last week was on mental health, and specifically on the poor levels of provision of psychotherapy. It can be heard here (though I am not sure for how much longer) and probably through the Radio 4 website.
It focused on a joint report, called "While we are waiting", the summary of which can be found here. It focused on the huge discrepancy between waiting lists for psychotherapy and those for other (physical health) conditions.
This ties in with my previous struggles to get psychotherapy (the lists in my area were closed because they exceeded 6 months) and my current anxieties about getting help with the abuse issues which have surfaced only recently.
It's all very well for the government to say they are putting in more money to improve the situation - but why is there such a discrepancy between access to treatment for "mental" and "physical" conditions?
There's more about the report on Mind's site.
My own area is apparently to receive a share of the money for provision of more talking therapies. It's unclear as yet how that money will be allocated.
It focused on a joint report, called "While we are waiting", the summary of which can be found here. It focused on the huge discrepancy between waiting lists for psychotherapy and those for other (physical health) conditions.
This ties in with my previous struggles to get psychotherapy (the lists in my area were closed because they exceeded 6 months) and my current anxieties about getting help with the abuse issues which have surfaced only recently.
It's all very well for the government to say they are putting in more money to improve the situation - but why is there such a discrepancy between access to treatment for "mental" and "physical" conditions?
There's more about the report on Mind's site.
My own area is apparently to receive a share of the money for provision of more talking therapies. It's unclear as yet how that money will be allocated.
Thursday, 24 July 2008
GP visit
Saw one of the female GP's today, about an infection which I saw her about 4 weeks ago which has still not cleared up.
It was difficult.
She is lovely, very kind, but all the abuse things were triggered almost from the start. She wanted to do an exam - had forgotten about the abuse issues - once I reminded her she was good and appropriate and kind and all the rest, but she wanted me to go into details I am not ready to put into words for many people. She wants me to see a different GP about the infection - that ain't gonna happen, not least because I have to wait a week to see her, by which time she is on holiday. Instead I have managed to make an appointment with one of the two GP's I see and trust as "my" GPs.
I asked for stronger sleeping tablets but she refused to prescribe them. I just want some respite from the flashbacks and nightmares.
I did tell her about my situation with the anti-depressants.
I also told her about not knowing where to go next. She told me that D can refer me direct to the psychology services for help with the abuse issues. That the referral is best from her, or from the CMHT. This after knowing I have had psychology input. She said that the psychology people are the ones to help me. She said to ask D to refer me, and to ask her to get in touch with her if D wants to discuss it. She also said the waiting list for psychology is currently down to aobut 3 months, she knew from a meeting she was at recently.
So now I don't know why this has not been suggested already. It may be that D cannot refer me - because she no longer works directly within a CMHT. But then if she is working as a therapist and seeing me as such and has said that she feels I need specialist input, surely all that should have some impact?
So is it the CMHT who have refused to refer me, decided this is not an option for me? Has it been discussed and refused?
D said she wants to contact D and Dr K to discuss next steps, but of course they are on leave. This might be connected. I see her this afternoon and C (my CMHT) tomorrow. I need to find a way of bringing this into the open. But I am so scared to, because if I am told I can't access any more support within the Trust, there is no more psychotherapy option open to me, then I don't know what I will do. I can't fight yet again. I just can't do it. I'm not even sure I can deal with the implications if they present me with this, in terms of my own lack of worth.
So if I am refused, I need to find a way of walking away. D, as my current clinician, has identified a need, which my GP concurs with. If BLPT tell me I have no right to have that need met, then that's the end of it all.
It was difficult.
She is lovely, very kind, but all the abuse things were triggered almost from the start. She wanted to do an exam - had forgotten about the abuse issues - once I reminded her she was good and appropriate and kind and all the rest, but she wanted me to go into details I am not ready to put into words for many people. She wants me to see a different GP about the infection - that ain't gonna happen, not least because I have to wait a week to see her, by which time she is on holiday. Instead I have managed to make an appointment with one of the two GP's I see and trust as "my" GPs.
I asked for stronger sleeping tablets but she refused to prescribe them. I just want some respite from the flashbacks and nightmares.
I did tell her about my situation with the anti-depressants.
I also told her about not knowing where to go next. She told me that D can refer me direct to the psychology services for help with the abuse issues. That the referral is best from her, or from the CMHT. This after knowing I have had psychology input. She said that the psychology people are the ones to help me. She said to ask D to refer me, and to ask her to get in touch with her if D wants to discuss it. She also said the waiting list for psychology is currently down to aobut 3 months, she knew from a meeting she was at recently.
So now I don't know why this has not been suggested already. It may be that D cannot refer me - because she no longer works directly within a CMHT. But then if she is working as a therapist and seeing me as such and has said that she feels I need specialist input, surely all that should have some impact?
So is it the CMHT who have refused to refer me, decided this is not an option for me? Has it been discussed and refused?
D said she wants to contact D and Dr K to discuss next steps, but of course they are on leave. This might be connected. I see her this afternoon and C (my CMHT) tomorrow. I need to find a way of bringing this into the open. But I am so scared to, because if I am told I can't access any more support within the Trust, there is no more psychotherapy option open to me, then I don't know what I will do. I can't fight yet again. I just can't do it. I'm not even sure I can deal with the implications if they present me with this, in terms of my own lack of worth.
So if I am refused, I need to find a way of walking away. D, as my current clinician, has identified a need, which my GP concurs with. If BLPT tell me I have no right to have that need met, then that's the end of it all.
Monday, 21 July 2008
Where I am
Am off all the meds. Sleep is lousy. Anxiety is higher than it has been; feeling queasy most of the time. However, these could be down to lack of sleep as much as being off the tablets. Not sleeping is a bummer, especially asit is accompanied by flashbacks. Sleeping tablets are helping me to (eventually) get off to sleep but I am waying around 4am most mornings.
Still no idea what to do about further therapy. Had an email from D today to say she will phone today or tomorrow to discuss what is going on. Just feel hopeless about it all. All the work I have done has got me to the stage of remembering all this - and it makes sense of so much - but I don't know how to work through what I now remember so that I can put it in the past where it belongs. I feel like I have opened a box of snakes and I have no idea how to catch them and shut the lid on them so I can put them where they belong.
The abuse I have remembered I believe happened - but it is as if it happened to another person. I'm finding it impossible to connect that memory with myself. It's like the child then was someone else entirely - which is how I feel about a lot of my childhood.
I have to find a way of accepting that this happened to me, feeling that it happened to me, and then processing and dealing with that knowledge. I don't feel I can do that without f2f support - and I don't know where to find the specialised f2f support that D feels I need. I feel hopeless, to be frank.
Still no idea what to do about further therapy. Had an email from D today to say she will phone today or tomorrow to discuss what is going on. Just feel hopeless about it all. All the work I have done has got me to the stage of remembering all this - and it makes sense of so much - but I don't know how to work through what I now remember so that I can put it in the past where it belongs. I feel like I have opened a box of snakes and I have no idea how to catch them and shut the lid on them so I can put them where they belong.
The abuse I have remembered I believe happened - but it is as if it happened to another person. I'm finding it impossible to connect that memory with myself. It's like the child then was someone else entirely - which is how I feel about a lot of my childhood.
I have to find a way of accepting that this happened to me, feeling that it happened to me, and then processing and dealing with that knowledge. I don't feel I can do that without f2f support - and I don't know where to find the specialised f2f support that D feels I need. I feel hopeless, to be frank.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
Weekend
Went to a festival in towy yesterday. It was good to get out as a family. While out we made plans for a family trip to Paris in the autumn - just for a weekend probably.
The festival was very busy and I found the crowds difficult to cope with at times. We went on in to town and I got an addition to my latest computer game. It was a lot of walking though, and my back is really playing up today. I decided not to go to the gym today - partly because of my back but also because the car park by the gym was completely full yesterday with festival visitors, so I knew my chances of finding osmewhere to park were very remote.
Have phoned a helpline tonight. It was useful; the person I spoke to was very kind and had some good ideas. Unfortunately my phone died mid way through the conversation - and I can't get through again. (It took me half an hour to get through in the first place). Still finding all this stuff really hard and have no idea what to do.
Two teaching days left. It's very loosely planned.
The festival was very busy and I found the crowds difficult to cope with at times. We went on in to town and I got an addition to my latest computer game. It was a lot of walking though, and my back is really playing up today. I decided not to go to the gym today - partly because of my back but also because the car park by the gym was completely full yesterday with festival visitors, so I knew my chances of finding osmewhere to park were very remote.
Have phoned a helpline tonight. It was useful; the person I spoke to was very kind and had some good ideas. Unfortunately my phone died mid way through the conversation - and I can't get through again. (It took me half an hour to get through in the first place). Still finding all this stuff really hard and have no idea what to do.
Two teaching days left. It's very loosely planned.
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