GP visit

Saw one of the female GP's today, about an infection which I saw her about 4 weeks ago which has still not cleared up.
It was difficult.

She is lovely, very kind, but all the abuse things were triggered almost from the start. She wanted to do an exam - had forgotten about the abuse issues - once I reminded her she was good and appropriate and kind and all the rest, but she wanted me to go into details I am not ready to put into words for many people. She wants me to see a different GP about the infection - that ain't gonna happen, not least because I have to wait a week to see her, by which time she is on holiday. Instead I have managed to make an appointment with one of the two GP's I see and trust as "my" GPs.
I asked for stronger sleeping tablets but she refused to prescribe them. I just want some respite from the flashbacks and nightmares.
I did tell her about my situation with the anti-depressants.
I also told her about not knowing where to go next. She told me that D can refer me direct to the psychology services for help with the abuse issues. That the referral is best from her, or from the CMHT. This after knowing I have had psychology input. She said that the psychology people are the ones to help me. She said to ask D to refer me, and to ask her to get in touch with her if D wants to discuss it. She also said the waiting list for psychology is currently down to aobut 3 months, she knew from a meeting she was at recently.
So now I don't know why this has not been suggested already. It may be that D cannot refer me - because she no longer works directly within a CMHT. But then if she is working as a therapist and seeing me as such and has said that she feels I need specialist input, surely all that should have some impact?
So is it the CMHT who have refused to refer me, decided this is not an option for me? Has it been discussed and refused?
D said she wants to contact D and Dr K to discuss next steps, but of course they are on leave. This might be connected. I see her this afternoon and C (my CMHT) tomorrow. I need to find a way of bringing this into the open. But I am so scared to, because if I am told I can't access any more support within the Trust, there is no more psychotherapy option open to me, then I don't know what I will do. I can't fight yet again. I just can't do it. I'm not even sure I can deal with the implications if they present me with this, in terms of my own lack of worth.

So if I am refused, I need to find a way of walking away. D, as my current clinician, has identified a need, which my GP concurs with. If BLPT tell me I have no right to have that need met, then that's the end of it all.

Flashbacks

There's lots of really good advice out there about how to cope with flashbacks.

Trouble is, it doesn't really work. Because when you are in the middle of a flashback, usually on your own, the thoughts that come to mind are not, "Oh, I should stamp my feet / remind myself this is not happening now / notice what I can see." When you are in a flashback, you are in a flashback. Not outside it, watching what is going on. You are there, in it, experiencing it. Or at least, that's how it is for me.

and now?

feels like i am living two parallel worlds.

just got off the phone with D. Told her about the meds. She asked what i am doing to look after myself. probably not enough. eating ok - but drinking too much alcohol. the props of masseage and gym remain in place. she asked about seeing my gp - was intending to try for an appt for wednesday but tried today instead - to find that Dr M is away for 2 more weeks, and that there are no appts with female gps available today - i can only have a chance of getting an appt if i call the surgery at 8. the second female gp i trust is not in till thurs - will try to get an appt with her by calling on weds am.
bit of self harm starting. nothing major.
trying to keep busy - have done some schoool work over the last couple of days and some housework today. will do more house work this pm.

D said she couldn't make any suggestions re further support and help with the abuse issues as she is not with the clinical team any more. she is going to contact my team tomorrow and get back to me then and talk to dr K my psychiatrist. i told her i had tried all the numbers C gave me but there is nothing local. i told her i felt scared because there was noone i can talk to after our sessions end on thursday. she said i could talk to c but i can't - and i told her that - not about the abuse, and not about many other things. she asked if i wanted a change of cc but i don't really i think it is me and it looks bad if i change again. she suggested i could meet with her and D (psychologist i saw) jointly but that isn't really an option either - i have found the joint sessions incredibly hard and in any case i am nowhere near being able to talk to a male about the abuse. she asked if things were as bad as before and i said they are not - but i know they are going down. she asked about getting the crisis team involved but i really really don't want that - i don't want to start again with another set of temporary people, new people.
i feel like every suggestion she made i rejected and i wasn't trying to be difficult just don't know what to do. if i could know where i can get support after i finish with d i think i could cope.

Positive things?

Today has been hard - very hard. However, I am trying to practise what D indicated yesterday and identify the positives.
So, today:
I taught 4 lessons which were OK. I kep the classes focused and had no major issues.
I dealt with a home problem decisively and effectively.
I got E to her pre-prom party successfully (she looked gorgeous, btw).
I phoned my CPN for support.
I'm still here.

That last is significant tonight.

It's hard dealing with knowing and not knowing. Memories without someone else to agree with me - that's proving difficult. I want someone else to confirm that what I remembered yesterday was not a figment of my imagination (though it was a scarily vivid figment if that is what it was, and not something which forms part of my normal thoughts in any shape or form).

I
want
to
screamnshout n letitallout n bangabout n
...
cry

I
want
to
hideaway n notgoouttoplay n darkentheday n
...
sigh.



I
want
to
disappear n cryrealtears n hidefromfear n
...
...

More notes

At the meeting last week I received the copy of my psychotherapy notes that I had asked for. Since then I have been rereading them. I wish I had asked for them a long time ago - they are so helpful and so useful to me, showing me the journey I have made and how far I have come. I don't know that they would have been appropriate while I was going through the therapy, but certainly after completion they have really helped and given me a boost.

Having said that, I did have a dip yesterday evening and felt very low. It's always so scary when that happens - visions of decending into the abyss flash up so quickly. I have to remind myself (as C and I discussed last week) that these dips are becoming shorter and that I am putting into place the activities needed to ensure they don't overwhelm me. It appears, in this case, to have been a simple tiredness reaction - I didn't wake until 10am this morning, which is very unusual for me. Feeling much more positive this morning. Thinking back over the last week, I haven't yet readjusted my bedtime to reflect the fact that it was a working week not a holiday week - I must make sure I do that next week.

Plans for this weekend include some serious housework this afternoon. W is taking E for a party / sleepover this afternoon, then going to see if he can get her cello bow repaired (hope so, as she has an important exam on Wednesday!) Tomorrow will involve (lots of) marking and the week's planning; I have enjoyed my first week's work on The Tempest and am quite looking forward to planning the next week.

Self image

talking with C today was useful. Raised lots of challenges for me. Things (as ever) which it would be good if I could change.

One thing which came up over and over is that I have an internal view of myself as weak and incapable. I fear failing - so much so that sometimes I don't even try to succeed. Not so much in work stuff, but in terms of my own emotional journey, my own coping resources - I see myself as inherently unable to cope, to survive without support.

And yet - as C pointed out to me - I have coped. I have survived. I survived really tough times, and I am coping much better with minor crises than I was even six months ago. The crises are minor - over in days rather than dragging on for weeks or months. I'm not falling to pieces. But I still don't believe that I can cope, that I can do this. I need to recognise where I am strong and how I can look after myself. Not sure what the key to that is, but knowing I need to find that key has to be a start.

Just...

believe other people aren't ignoring you (you're being over sensitive)

wait and see what happens

teach your best lessons tomorrow

hold parents' evening after school and prove to all the parents you are doing everything possible for their shild

attend the concert after work at E's school (in which she is performing)

complete an assessment on every child you teach and fill it in on the pupil tracking sheet

get all your marking up to date

prepare resources for the training session you are leading on the first day back

solve all the problems with the new virtual learning environment

plan new ICt lessons to cover the new curriculum at KS3

write the development plan for ICT

be the perfect mum

deal with all the flashbacks

Take your medicines like a good girl


Nope, I don't think I can do this right now.

But there doesn't seem to be anyone asking if I can doing it, just telling me I have to.

tired

Tired of remembering and thinking

want to black out and forget instead

pass the pills

Or maybe the newspaper reports are all right and the pills are a waste of time and money....

i think maybe that me being dissociative is a sign i am angry inside - like mmp wrote about leaving situations where she feels angry. i think this is one way i have of leaving. but right now i don't know how to put into words what i am angry about.

On crises

Had another good meeting today, this time with my new CPN, C. We went through my WRAP plan, and from it created a new, short WRAP - something I can use as a daily checklist possibly, certainly as a checklist when I meet with her, and aimed at stopping me from deteriorating into crisis.

This, together with the appointment I had yesterday with Dr K, and a post Mandy has made on her blog, have me thinking about crisis prevention, relapse prevention. I now feel I have a set of tools coming together which hopefully can be used to stop me from deteriorating in future. It strikes me that this is not how things have historically worked for me, or the way that Mental Health is focused at present. There is a lot of talk about the Recovery Model, and help is usually provided for those who deteriorate into mental health crisis. Such was my experience over Christmas when the involvement of the local Crisis Team played a major part in helping me to cope in the midst of my own crisis, and in recovering from it. Mandy is finding that help for her Dad is now being provided. However, it all seems to come too late.

Why can't the resources be put in at an earlier stage? Common sense would suggest that this would be a much cheaper option to providing crisis treatment, often at great expense in hospital. It would also be of massive benefit to people's long term mental health - not only in terms of preventing a distressing crisis, but in terms of making them feel they are worthwhile and can be successful. It would prevent a lot of sickness absence; apparently mental health issues are the second largest cause of time lost due to illness in the UK. It could remove the need for higher doses of expensive medication. All of these would save money. My experience is that once I go into crisis it takes time and effort to get out of it. How much better to avoid the crisis in the first place.

I accept that I have an illness which, statistically speaking, is now almost certain to recur for me. It's clear that I have some kind of predisposition to depression and anxiety. This may be biological, may be behavioural, may be a result of my experiences. It's almost certainly acombination of all three. So what I need is a way of recognising my early warning signs and tackling them, while addressing all three factors in terms of prevention, as far as is possible.

The biological aspects can be addressed, as Dr K suggested yesterday, by proactively increasing my anti-depressants at times when, historically, I am prone to deterioration. For me this is closely linked to the seasons. I recognise this is not the case for everyone, but suspect many of those of us who struggle with mental health can identify certain times when we are more vulnerable. The behavioural and historical aspects have been and are being addressed by talking therapies. And underpinning all three is the need for monitoring. That's what I hope my new short WRAP will help provide. Initially that will be with the help of C. Hopefully at some point I will be able to monitor it myself. But I also need the certainty that, should I notice signs that things are not going well, I can access the support I then need. That has not always been my experience, and that is what we should all be entitled to. If a professional (or in my case, several professionals including GP, counsellor and psychiatrist) recommend that access to further support is merited, then that support should be available. Maybe that way crises can be managed and minimised, if not avoided altogether.

Update

Have been asked to post to let you know I am home and getting help.

D has involved the Crisis Team who came round today and are going to support me over the immediate future.

So I'm still here...

The end

Finished.
over.
and gone.

There have been 24 "clicks" in response to my email request to look at the previous post.

Two people have contacted me.
One person has promised to look into the situation.

Helen Buckingham has emailed me to say, "I understand that your concerns are being addressed through Paul Mullin, our Chief Executive."
As I responded to Ms Buckingham, that does not seem to be the case.
Mr Mullin has not responded to any of my emails following his reply in which he totally ignored the issues I asked him to reply to. He has not contacted me at all. Given this, I cannot see how he can be addressing my concerns. Rather, he is ignoring them and me. Probably hoping I will go away. It seems extremely rude to me. Given that I have asked him to address specific questions I don't understand why he believes it is acceptable to ignore them and me.

It is also causing me huge stress.

I'm not coping well.

I'm having massive episodes of dissociation. I can't stay with it at all. There's worse too. Won't post it here.

Thank you to those of you who have shown kindness and support. There have been some within BLPT who have done so too. Unfortunately you don't seem able to influence anything. And I am not sure I can cope with it any more. I know it seems ridiculous, incomprehensible to many of you that i can't just leave it, stop fighting. But I don't understand - I don't understand, I really just don't understand why a mental health organisation believes it is OK to ignore questions they have promised, in writing to answer. How is that OK? Can anyone help me to understand that, please? Please? PLEASE?

It gets harder to hang on. especially knowing D is leaving. I'm not coping well with that. I have to get to know a new person. What if she decides to go away as others have done? What if she is absent? I'm scared, really scared.

I need to talk to someone but I am scared to pick up the phone.

Sometimes...

...I think I am "getting over" (whatever that means) the way I have been treated by my old CMHT, the complaints department, the Trust Board members of BLPT.

Then I realise I am not.

My mind scours in circles, looking for reason where there is none, seeking clarity in cess-pools of obstructiveness, dreaming of explanations and apologies from people who have no compassion.

They force me back into childhood guilt, into insecurity and fear. Then they drag the rug away and I fall, toppling, crying, beating my head against the wall of their indifference. They see my need and despise it. They ignore the expert voices speaking against theirs. Childhood revisited in so many aspects.

My arms show my chaos, while my words remain controlled and articulate. They label and categorise me, refusing to accept that I am not one, I am many, and that my many is fragmented and failing.

Monday

It's not OK.
It's very not OK.

Anger part 2

Despite all the wise words of my last post, tonight I feel very unable to cope with the emotions I am feeling again. I don't want all this - the complaint taking so long, D leaving, being in a spiral, feeling overwhelmed, feeling worse than overwhelmed. I'm trying to control it, working on the breathing, but I want to be little and not to have to take decisions or responsiblity. And I want not to be here.

I can't remember how much I have said about my dissociation, but Alice, Elsie and Shula all feel more real than I do tonight.

broken

Broken mind
Thoughts tumbling in the silent gale
Words which cannot be recalled
Whirl round in spiralling black
Disorientating and defeating.

Broken heart
Trust given and deserved
Crushed now by the heavy foot of time.
Spilling messily on the floor
Pulsating.

Broken body
Marked with hatred and anger
Innocence scarred
The criss-crossed lines a hopscotch game
Hidden in shame.

Cleaning up...

Have hidden some posts from public view. They are still there for me to see - and hopefully that will provide me with the recognition of how it hurts without allowing others to accuse me of attention seeking.

The comments are still there too - and much valued and appreciated.

I still feel much the same - but have managed not to do any more damage tonight.

can't

ducking out
too much
i know it is all tied up with old stuff for me, but old patterns are repeated as my requests for help are ignored and i receive only silence.
i was told i could change the patterns by changing myself.
but i can't.

Don't know what to do

I know what I want to do - but I can't do it.

I know what I should do - but I can't do that either.

I know what I would like others to do - but they are not even acknowledging that I have asked for their help.

So I'm sitting here, implement in hand, and I don't know what to do.