Fast Forward

My GP suggested this is what I need - a FF button to get me through this "lumpy time" (her very perceptive words) of changing meds.

In the meantime she has encouraged me, explained her thinking and tried to help me believe it will all get better soon.

I'm trying to believe her, and supplementing that belief with the new meds, and the old sleeping tablets and anti anxiety medication.

I feel like crying (but can't most of the time), am sleeping poorly, not wanting to eat, feeling like all is grey, and struggling with the old thoughts of self harm and self hatred. Feeling tired all the time doesn't leave much energy for motivation and action. That in turn leads to feeling bad about myself because i don't feel I am getting things done. See, I know it is all a horribly negative cycle - it's just at the moment I can't seem to get myself out of it.

The reality is that I am still at work and doing an OK job. things are getting done, for the most part. Maybe not to the highest standards, but I am planning and delivering lessons. I've even done some marking.

Filing is another matter.

Chill out day

Am having a chill out day today, and enjoying it muchly. Younger daughter had a friend staying over last night; it's lovely to see her happy and secure in the friendship. they went swimming this morning while elder daughter and I dashed into town. This afternoon I have done a (very little) housework, played a computer game, and listened to the new Chris While and Julie Matthews CD, "Together Alone". Very much enjoying it, and doubly looking forward to their upcoming gig near us.
Tomorrow will be a working day; I have lessons to plan and marking to do. I need to limit it and settle for good enough - not always easy for me! I'd also love to do some more work on the learning platform, but that may not happen. I do want to set up some more resources for my next Maths topic.

I slept really well last night - without sleeping tablets, which is a big positive. I've added in the Escitalopram to my medication mix this week, having recognised that racing thoughts were becoming a problem again. It seems to have had the desired effect. I will (of course!) discuss it when I see my wonderful GP on Thursday, but am confident she won't have any objections.

OK, back to some housework. W has his first gig (as partof a duo) tonight in a local pub, so he is out rehearsing at the moment. It's a last minute stand in - they were only booked yesterday, due to the engaged act dropping out. He's very nervous.

Something of a breakthrough

... with the ending of my sessions with D, that is. I've been musing on finding some way of registering my journey so far - and the fact that it is not finished, in terms of dealing with issues. I know I can't just turn up at the session and expect to be able to talk about it - that's not the way it goes for me. If I am anxious / upset / scared (and I am feeling all of those things now about next Monday) then I clam up. So I wanted to have something to take with me. But what?

MMP's reply to my last post sparked something off, and combined neatly with a new tool I have just encountered (while looking for new ideas for teaching). Scrapblog looks like something some pupils will enjoy (I'm thinking of extension tasks here) and I have been playing with it to record my "therapy journey". It's helping, I think, and I expect to be able to export and print off the pages (I think taking my laptop to the session is one step too far!)

It's still going to be a tough one, but I think this will help along the way.

Friday

Things spinning in my head a bit at the moment.
I have an appt with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. He's very nice and I do trust him - but because of what we are going to discuss I am being triggered right back into scared child mode. It feels very unstable and very frightening.

Plus D hasn't been in contact and that doesn't feel good.

And the contact through my GP hasn't yet materialised either.

Wanting to hide, to avoid.

Nurturing

Talked with C (CMHN) on Thursday, which was helpful. The (very sensible) idea is that I make sure I do the self nurturing activities. Trouble is, the times I find that hardest are when I most need to. I didn't manage to do the sewing I said I would do that night, but have done a little better since then. Yesterday I had my weekly gym session and asked J if we could do some Yoga. That was good - affirming in that I can do the stretches and the strength postures so much more easily than I used to be able to, and nurturing in that Yoga helps me with grounding and with mindfulness.
Today has been a busy and in many ways challenging day. It is my father's 70th birthday this week and today we travelled to join in a celebration meal. My brother and his wife and their new daughter were there, and two other people I knew - and 6 I had never met. Socialising for a whole day was quite a challenge for me. On returning home I took myself off for a long and luxurious bath (with some "LUSH" bath bubbles - very nice) and that has helped a bit.
Tomorrow I have various school-related tasks to complete, but I do have a massage booked for the evening, which will be good. I need to make sure I plan something specific for Tuesday, and then make sure I do it.

Challenges

A more difficult day today. I was on a course, which was divided into two parts. The morning was fine - it was aimed at ICT subject leaders and I found it fairly informatvie - even if, as ever, there is always more to do...
This afternoon was hard, though. We were looking at the CEOP materials and, as part of that, looking at child protection issues. I found it triggery and am still a bit wobbly, even after a phone call to D, medication and alcohol. However, as D pointed out, I managed to stay with it and I did what I could to take care of myself, even if part of the strategy for doing so was to mentally "switch off" from what was being said and look at other stuff on my computer. Tonight I have done some sewing (designed and started some more cards) and watched some TV. I have some work to plan for tomorrow (ugh!) Tomorrow as well as my teaching I have to get back early for an appointment with my psychiatrist, then head back to work to pick up my daughters as W has an important meeting.
Positive thoughts welcomed...

Right to post?

Not sure I have anything worth saying at the moment. It means so much to me to think people are interested in coming here, but I feel what I am saying is entirely worthless at the moment.

Is there anything I can say that you would like to read?

I feel my words are vacuous. Sometimes I have felt I have had things to say which people might be interested in hearing - but not at the moment. So if I go silent, that's why.

Thursday afternoon

Lyrics here.

Another good day. I lost my non contact because of a whole school activity - oh well. The drama lesson "exceeded expectations" - mine, at any rate!

Have been thinking about the "tea and cake" type meetings The Shrink mentions here. I can see that, now I am in recovery (I hope!) my meetings with the various health professionals I meet with (currently psychiatrist 3 monthly, CMHN monthly, therapist fortnightly, and GP monthly) could degenerate into that type of approach. However, at the moment I feel this contact is really important to me. It's starting to develop into fortnightly appointments (having been weekly for quite some time) and I'm feeling comfortable about the change. I'm hoping to develop it further so that the meetings become monthly, but I don't feel I am "quite there" yet.

Part of this feeling is due to historical issues around abandonment. After the disastrous experiences last time I felt able to reduce contacts (when I ended up with no contacts at all and rapidly deteriorated into crisis) I have been very wary of suggesting my contacts could start to be spaced out. It's a measure of the trust I have form my new CMHT that I am even able to consider this.

It's also a safety net. I discussed this with C tonight and again with my GP today. Having the appointments in place makes me feel safer, and that in turn acts as a barrier against deterioration. Strictly speaking I might not "need" fortnightly appointments at the moment, but knowing they are in place makes me feel able to take risks and feel OK about doing so. It means I know if things do go wrong, I don't have the additional stress of trying to get an appointment to talk about it. (When things are difficult it is even more difficult for me to ask for help, and so I don't do so. If the help is already in place I know I can talk about my needs). So the fortnightly appointments mean that I am less likely to become unwell and need even more support (and probably end up off work).

I struggle with feeling guilty at the help I am getting. However, weighing up the costs, an hour a fortnight is enabling me to be at work full time and not to need as many medications. Surely that has to be a good deal?

Procrastinating

I felt yesterday that i got a lot done - I did a serious amount of housework in the afternoon and managed to get two rooms clean and tidy - spring cleaning type stuff.
But it's a weird day today. I've been procrastinating about my school work all day. Have started it now - and a wave of lethargy has descended.
So far I have managed to mark all the loose paper work my English group have produced this week - still have their books to mark and a lot of ICT work to mark from other classes. I also have all my planning to do. Am going to break off from the marking now to look at the planning and try to at least get the English lessons planned for the next week.

First day back

Verdict - better than I anticipated.

Now, I know, that should be no surprise. It's a common pattern. I fear the worst and it usually turns out not so bad. But in fact I think my anticipation of the worst served me well today. I went in prepared (took Valium with me, used it, which made me less anxious) and didn't expect too much (so people talking to me and seeming to care was a bonus). I was aware and so hopefully protected myself better than I usually do. And I focused on my own needs - and so let a lot of the "stuff" that we were told about new initiatives, needs to do more, aim high, do better etc roll over me. I can't do any more at the moment, went my reasoning. I'm working on doing the best I can all the time, and this is tough, so I need to look out for me too. So I did. And it worked.

Teaching tomorrow - which I am looking forward to. Am working on a list of "props" (preferably easily obtained!) to use to represent the main characters in Shakespeare's The Tempest. I'm introducing it to a class of 12-13 year olds from Wednesday on and really want to make it work. So if you can think of any items (preferably those which can be worn or easily carried) which my pupils can use as they walk through the play in an hour, please let me know!

Meeting postponed

I was due to have a meeting tomorrow which should have marked some kind of closure for me, by going through my clinical notes and identifying aspects about which I have concerns. This was agreed at the meeting I had with BLPT staff back in October. It has not happened till now due to a combination of factors, as much my responsibility as theirs. I was not ready to look at my notes for a long time. Combining diaries caused more delays, with holidays affecting schedules. Tomorrow's meeting has had to be postponed (quite understandably) due to the illness of one of the people I was due to meet with. It has been rearranged for next week, and I have no problem with this - except that I want this to be done, finished, ticked off.
I probably could have asked for the meeting to go ahead with just one of the two BLPT staff I am due to meet with. I'm sure that would have been possible. But I would prefer to have it with both. So I am willing to wait. But that willingness doesn't alleviate the anxiety I am feeling at the moment.

More of the same...

Four hours to go...

Good news is that H did get the award she deserved this morning during the assembly. She was so pleased. I am so relieved. Of course, it means I am being even more ignored now by certain people, but there you go. I'm just not offering to help like I used to; I'm keeping myself to myself and getting on with things I need to do rather than things others would like me to do for them. I know I did the right thing - sometimes being a mum takes higher priority than being a teacher.

About to go out and get some lunch, then this afternoon is the Talent Show. H is performing in that - I'm looking forward to seeing her (though not necessarily to all the noise and excitement which 550 students in the gym will generate!)

Just...

believe other people aren't ignoring you (you're being over sensitive)

wait and see what happens

teach your best lessons tomorrow

hold parents' evening after school and prove to all the parents you are doing everything possible for their shild

attend the concert after work at E's school (in which she is performing)

complete an assessment on every child you teach and fill it in on the pupil tracking sheet

get all your marking up to date

prepare resources for the training session you are leading on the first day back

solve all the problems with the new virtual learning environment

plan new ICt lessons to cover the new curriculum at KS3

write the development plan for ICT

be the perfect mum

deal with all the flashbacks

Take your medicines like a good girl


Nope, I don't think I can do this right now.

But there doesn't seem to be anyone asking if I can doing it, just telling me I have to.

Children

Can't explain here, but have had a really difficult time at work today with my "teacher" and "parent" hats colliding extremely painfully. Parent hat won, which may make things uncomfortable at work but at least means I retain some respect for myself as a mum. Please pray (if you are that way inclined) that "things" will work out so that H's fragile self confidence is not totally destroyed by unfolding events.

Session cancelled

As I was leaving work early, at 3.30, today, I received a phone call. I was told that my session with D at 4.15 had to be cancelled as D is on a course and won't be back on time.

Am struggling with this. I really needed to see D and I have so much inside of me and nowhere for it to go at the moment. We have rearranged for tomorrow, but I need to work hard at keeping myself safe tonight...

The child inside feels abandoned and scared.

It's been a very rocky day today.

The school part was OK - well, the times in front of the classes were (except for the ghastly Y7 Maths, which I knew would be difficult). Times in the staff room were OK, but I kept drifiting off - I have been very dissociative today and it has bothered me a lot. A couple of other people spotted that I was "away with the fairies".

I had a gym session tonight. I thought I would be fine, but it was really hard. Several people seemed (to me) quite insensitive; like the chap in the gym who put rap music on really loud in the studio when ja nd I were working on something. Then the other chap who really invaded my space by barging into the equipment I was using, pulling a bench really close, cutting me off from my phone (which really bugged me). And then during the yoga there were a couple of really hard points, and another flashback of some kind....

Staying grounded is a battle I don't even know if I want to fight right now. It sometimes seems that not being in contact would be better than being in contact. I'm struggling here.

Secrets and openness

Long discussion with someone at school today during which I told her far more about myself than I intended to. It was in the context of trying to help my daughter. Now I feel mixed up, guilty, ashamed, dirty even. Thank goodness I see C tomorrow and can talk some things through with her.

Damn it

Just that.

It's been a tough old week and I am struggling to get my head round it all. So much of what has happened I can't post here, can't post in its entirity anyway. Lots of it I can't put into words. Too many contradictions uncertainties and downright scariness.

Am hoping a weekend of sleep and doing as little as possible will revive me.

In the meantime I need to remember that I can only do what I can.

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.
But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am. I think I am.
Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.
And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.
Who you are...
And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.
As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.

Gary Chapman

Thoughts and memories

I was reading here

It reminded me

in a rather scary way

of what was and what may yet be.



For when Mike says of his son, "Sam found it difficult to contribute anything relevant", I really remembered being there. No, I don't have schitzophrenia. But I do remember times when I have been similarly trapped inside, and, no matter how much I have wanted to, I have been able to contribute anything to meetings about my needs and my care. It's a very frightening place for me to be - and I suspect similarly disconcerting for those around me. Trapped inside myself, I know there are words to express how I am feeling but I am unable to articulate them. Sometimes those around me have been able to offer me a key to unlock, however briefly, the door. Sometimes not. Sometimes I must have seemed impossible to help. Sometimes I have felt it impossible that I can ever escape the internal prison. So far I have (eventually) managed it. I know, at some point, I am likely to be back in that prison again. This is a kind of life sentence I am under, with periodic episodes of time-limited release. As yet I can't see fully what the crimes are which will return me to prison. When that enlightenment comes, maybe I will be able to avoid those particular mistakes. Until I can find the way to avoid imprisonment, I am likely to need the help of those who can pass me the key to unlock myself.

And yes, all this is in a strange way part of mindfulness - for I have to learn to live with the possibility of a return of depression / anxiety. Otherwise worrying about it will drive me into it.

School stress...

Well, I hit the ground hard today on back to school day.

Driving conditions not ideal - very cold, very frosty and very foggy. Got to school to find 4 members of staff had not arrived (one car break-down, one delayed by the aforementioned fog, one whose return from holiday in New York was delayed due to plane failure and one with an appointment. So instead of having the time I anticipated having to print off worksheets and transfer files for my morning lessons, I was taking a registration. Oh well!

Morning lessons were going well - till the end of my second lesson when the power went off. I was teaching ICT at the time, and was just glad the power filed at the end of the lesson rather than in the middle of it. Assumed all systems would be up and running soon, especially since on teaching in another area of the school lesson 3 I found power was still on in most of the building. Not to be! The network was down (of course!) so I had to rapidly plan an alternative ICT lesson which did not need computers. Not an unfamiliar situation, as regular readers will know - but stressful all the same.

No power by the end of the day either in various parts of the school (notably, it seemed, those where computers were situated!) My mind turned to thoughts of lessons tomorrow and how I would deal with computerless ICT lessons for half of my day. Not easily, was the immediate thought, and my anxiety began to rise. I couldn't settle to any work during my non-contact.

By the end of the day things were somewhat clearer (I think) though the cause of the failure is still not certain. But school is closed to pupils tomorrow. Much delight there. Unfortunately staff are expected to attend. Oh joy! A hiatus of thinking what were the best arrangements for my daughter (who attends our school) - now solved in that she is going to a friend's house for the day. Another hiatus - "Please update the school website to reflect the closure.," requested the head. Well, I tried - but although the server was by this time up and running, it was not communicating with any other devices (something to do with switches I am told??) and that included the Internet. More joy. Website has been updated now that I have returned home.

Tomorrow staff will be in a building where a third of it has no light or heat. If a new fuse is the only repair needed, then all systems will presumably rapidly be returned to normal. If a new fuse box is required that will have to be arranged, all power will then be turned off and we will all be sent home. And it is unclear whether that can happen tomorrow at all.

Well, it's been a bit of a day!