Action!

Have decided I must achieve something today (beyond taking the necessary R&R time!) Saturdays tend to slip by for me and I look back and see I have nothing to mark them with. So today I have decided to set myself some tasks. I'll reflect this evening on how many I achieve! The tasks are:
Sort the laundry (it's really mounting up!)
Vacuum at least some of the house.
Do some sewing (I want to finish some more postcards and possibly start some more)
Phone the library to renew library books.

I'm also going to attempt to do them mindfully. At times this week thoughts and ruminations have started to crowd in; minduflness is one way I know of managing this. So while doing each task I will make an effort to be thinking only about it.

This evening I am on taxi duties as E has a party to go to and W is out for the day.

Rest and exercise

Had a really relaxing morning - long lie in with a book. That was nice. This afternoon I raced through my lesson planning and then went out to the gym for my Sunday afternoon two hour marathon. First was "Body Vibe" - an aerobics type class. Now, aerobics and I don't have a good histoy, but I am starting to really enjoy this class. It WAS hard though, and I was pouring with sweat by the end of it! That was followed by the Yoga class. A different sort of pain this. However, I know how helpful that session is to me, particularly in line with all the mindfulness things I am trying to keep in place. Increasingly I use it as a focusing activity - I know the moves by now, so this provides me with a calm space.

It's also proving to be a useful excursion into being sociable. Having gone to the Bodyvibe class for the past 4 weeks now, I am starting to recognise people. I'm even starting to welcome new people. And today it ws great to see a friend of mine there, H. Haven't run into her for a while (busy lives we both lead!) so it was good to have a catchup.

Have done a little marking since returning home - English writing assessments take ages, and I think the evening isn't the best of times for me to tackle them. I need to be at the peak of my concentration and have the time and energy to do several, so that I can get into teh swing of the different criteria. But I have got another three out of the way, which is a step in the right direction.

Off to bed now. Think I will pick out another Jodi Picoult to reread.

therapy session

Tough but useful one today. May be making some progress on anger - I shouted (not at D!) today, in anger. Only once, but I did it - and for someone who does not do anger, that's a biggie. trouble is, am now aware (as D suggested might happen) of stored anger, and I don't like it. Plans to do some more "behavioural" stuff in coming weeks. Yikes.

Also talked about the ending of our sessions - still some way away, but needs to be kept in awareness for me, given how hard I find endings of any sort and therapy endings in particular.

Had details sent to me of a programme tonight on BBC 2 looking at mindfulness as an alternative therapy. Details of the programme can be found here. BBC2 9-10pm. Could be interesting.

Damn it

Just that.

It's been a tough old week and I am struggling to get my head round it all. So much of what has happened I can't post here, can't post in its entirity anyway. Lots of it I can't put into words. Too many contradictions uncertainties and downright scariness.

Am hoping a weekend of sleep and doing as little as possible will revive me.

In the meantime I need to remember that I can only do what I can.

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.
But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am. I think I am.
Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.
And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.
Who you are...
And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.
As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.

Gary Chapman

Thoughts and memories

I was reading here

It reminded me

in a rather scary way

of what was and what may yet be.



For when Mike says of his son, "Sam found it difficult to contribute anything relevant", I really remembered being there. No, I don't have schitzophrenia. But I do remember times when I have been similarly trapped inside, and, no matter how much I have wanted to, I have been able to contribute anything to meetings about my needs and my care. It's a very frightening place for me to be - and I suspect similarly disconcerting for those around me. Trapped inside myself, I know there are words to express how I am feeling but I am unable to articulate them. Sometimes those around me have been able to offer me a key to unlock, however briefly, the door. Sometimes not. Sometimes I must have seemed impossible to help. Sometimes I have felt it impossible that I can ever escape the internal prison. So far I have (eventually) managed it. I know, at some point, I am likely to be back in that prison again. This is a kind of life sentence I am under, with periodic episodes of time-limited release. As yet I can't see fully what the crimes are which will return me to prison. When that enlightenment comes, maybe I will be able to avoid those particular mistakes. Until I can find the way to avoid imprisonment, I am likely to need the help of those who can pass me the key to unlock myself.

And yes, all this is in a strange way part of mindfulness - for I have to learn to live with the possibility of a return of depression / anxiety. Otherwise worrying about it will drive me into it.

Mindfulness: Five steps for practising throughout the day

The second excerpt I was sent today:

1. When possible, do just one thing at a time.


2. Pay full attention to what you are doing.


3. When the mind wanders from what you are doing, bring it back.


4. Repeat step number three several billion times.


5. Investigate your distractions.






[Larry Rosenberg, 1998 – Breath by Breath]

The Guest House

This is the first of two pieces on mindfulness I was sent today. I thought it might be interesting to others. Also posting it here will help me to remember its meaning.

The Guest~House



This being human is a guest-house
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.






[From Say I Am You, poems of Rumi translated by John Moyne & Coleman Barks, Maypop 1994]

Wondering...

A further step I could take with my mindfulness practice, according to The Mindful Way Through Depression (have I mentioned what a great book this is?) is to apply the technique of experiencing current emotions to old and troubling ones and past experiences.

Now, as it happens, a couple of relatively recent experiences have been near the forefront of my mind a lot of the time recently. I've been using the "worry time" technique and distracting myself, allowing myself specific times to think on them. However, these times tend to be last thing at night as I am settling myself for sleep. Not the best of techniques, I know. Dealing with them would seem to be a good aim. However...

I don't know if I am ready for this. The particular memories are times I am not comfortable with. They are times when I have dissociated very dramatically, becoming unable (fortunately temporarily) to cope with the realities going on around me. I'm definitely not comfortable with that loss of "control" (as I see it) in myself. Looking at my (very fragmented) memories of the episode scares me. With D's help, I've been able to put together some kind of picture of what happened. We've discussed it too, and that did help. However, I still feel a lot of anxiety about it. I think a lot of the anxiety is around the aspect of loss of control. I know that my episodes of major dissociation have thankfully been few (though minor "absences" have been more common) and that I dissociate when I feel under intense emotional pressure. It truly seems to be an escape mechanism when things are just too much to cope with. I think looking at the incident specifically and mindfully would probably be helpful - but part of me is scared of not being able to cope, even of dissociating as a result of thinking about the episode. Still, I am thinking about it! Maybe using the mindfulness technique initially on an experience which caused me distress, but not as extreme distress as this, would be a way to start. And today probably isn't the day as I have a dental appointment tomorrow. Always a source of great anxiety for me; I've made arrangements to get a lift there and back so I can dope myself up beforehand.

Mindfulness

Marcella, aroundanaround, MMP and others have all made posts recently which are tuning me in to the idea of mindfulness and the impact it is having on my life. Not (as A&A suggests) that I am in any way an expert - in fact, I am still hunting and hoping for a very basic level course to become available on mindfulness based stress reduction in my area. As posted before, I did receive details of one run by my local Day Resource Centre, which I would have willingly (and enthusiastically) signed up for - but it is on a weekday afternoon. So not possible.

But I am thinking about it and working on it, in my own very small ways. And I am starting to think small ways are the best. For example, my morning routines have changed. No longer do I try to multi task, attempting to make the tea while emptying the washing machine and refilling the dryer, remembering halfway through that I haven't refilled the coffee maker ready for W when he comes down. Instead I focus on one thing at a time. drinks first, then the washing up, then the washing. Within each area I focus on what I am doing. At the start I often had to remind myself, "No, I'm not doing the washing machine at the moment - I am emptying the dryer first." Now it seems to happen more automatically, and I seem to be becoming more efficient (and less stressed) in the mornings. (Mind you, I would still love our dishwasher to work again...)

I was discussing with a friend at work today how I am trying to carry this through into my feelings and reactions too. I've been trying to use body scanning to manage my anxiety levels. Specifically, I've been trying to identify, when I feel anxious, where in my body I sense that emotion. Gradually I am tuning in to my stomach churning, or my heart racing, or my breathing becoming faster and more shallow. Rather than consciously trying to change those feelings, I am focusing on them and observing them, trying to cultivate and interested detachment. As I do so, particularly with the breathing, the physical sensations often change. It's interesting, because changing the sensations is not the objective. It's all about observing, accepting, noticing. I'm starting to try to use this with the issues around anger too. But as I still don't identify my own feelings as anger, it's rather hard to observe bodily sensations associated with anger. Instead I am coming at it from the other end. D had me research the common experience of anger, and as part of that I listed the physical sensations. Now I am watching for those sensations, trying to tune into them to indicate to me when what I am feeling might actually be anger.

But also, mindfulness is about living in the now. So I'm trying (it's hard!) to focus on what I am feeling and experiencing now, and not dwelling on what has happened or what will happen. I'm using another strategy I was given. of allowing myself worry time - time to obsess or think about things, to go over them and hopefully process them. But outside of those times, I am trying (it's hard, as I said!) not to dwell on them. I'm trying, instead (yes, it's very hard, and I'm not very good at it!) to redirect my thoughts to what is happening now.

Is it working? Well, this week I have had three people, completely independently, tell me how well I seem, how well I seem to be coping. Given that this time of the year has been, for the past three years particularly, my very worst, and that I have at this time for the past three years ended up taking time off work, that is something I am pleased about. Despite the ridiculous pressures at work, despite my exhaustion, despite everything else, I am enjoying my job, and I am coping. It isn't all down to the mindfulness (I'm not doing enough of it for that!) but the mindfulness is definitely helping.

More on mindfulness

The challenge I am setting myself at the moment is to focus on whatever situation I am actually in. I have a tendency to flit, in thoughts and actions. Sometimes it is called multitasking, and sometimes (especially in teaching and as a Mum) it is beneficial and essential. But I can see it comes at a cost; it's a bit like running 5 lights off one battery - the battery drains more quickly and needs recharging.
So I am trying, where practical, to do one thing at a time.
At school, the list of tasks is ridiculous and ever-growing. Last week I felt totally overwhelmed by this. I spoke to a colleague, who helped me to see that the priority was the Y8 reports I have to write, and the assessments I have to complete in order to write them. She told me to "focus on those, do only those, and leave everything else."
So I have tried to do that. I didn't really believe it was possible. Didn't believe I could put on one side all the other marking / assessing / materials developing. But I have really tried - and it is working. I have got one set of reports finished. I have marked half of the assessments. I can see I have made progress. The other jobs are still there, but they will have to wait and I have decided they will wait. And the world hasn't fallen apart.

When I have been worried this week, I have allowed myself to focus on that worrying. I have linked it in to a technique D taught me, of allowing myself worry time - and then shutting out the worry at other times, until my next worry time comes around. It's working.

When I have felt anxious, I have focused in on where in my body I feel that anxiety. What are the physical sensations? I have let myself acknowledge the physical symptoms, acknowledge the worry - and then moved on to the next thing when I have spent enough time on that or when other demands arrive.

When I am teaching, I teach. If I am working with a pupil and another wants my attention, I am getting better at pointing out to them that I am talking to someone else and they will have to wait. (I'm not sure they are getting much better at waiting, though!)

I feel calmer. I feel more productive. I feel less stressed (most of the time!)

So now I need to move back to looking at the tough issues D and I have decided to work on, principally that of anger. Maybe I can apply some of this to that sensation. It still terrifies me, but I feel slightly more grounded and hopefully more able to at least look at this emotion, why it terrifies me so much that I block it out, and what I can do about it.

Mindfulness

Semi-random comments, sparked off by various conversations I have had recently and by another interesting post at Lake Cocytus.

The Mindful Way Through Depression is one of the most helpful books I have read. I read it when anxiety, rather than depression, was uppermost in my own mental (ill) health, and keep returning to it. I wish I did so more often than I am doing.

DBT (which seems to incorporate a lot which is based on mindfulness) may be (don't quote me!) largely aimed at people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but has a lot in it for "the rest of us" too.

I'm working (slowly!) on being more mindful in everyday things, to try to incorporate it into what I am already doing rather than tacking it on as an afterthought or addition. That's helping me to be more grounded. That in turn helps me to look at (and cope better with) what is currently happening rather than what has happened in the past or might happen in the future.

I'm a work in progress and the above statement may become temporarily inaccurate at various points.

Accepting where I am now (in whatever state I am in) and what is going on now helps me to be more accepting of myself as a person.

I wish there were more mindfulness stress reduction courses available, particularly for those of us with mental health issues. My local Day Resource Centre is running one soon - but unfortunately it is in the day, while I am at work. Much as I wish he would, I think it highly improbable that my boss will give me time off to attend it - and as a teacher I can't just ask for it as holiday!

Thoughts and feelings and CBT

Working, with D, on identifying and reframing these. I have an ambivalent attitude to CBT at times and there's a deep core of cynicism about the usefulness of such work for me. At the same time, it does sometimes work. Like the endeavours I put in to dealing with the latest (?last?) letter from BLPT. Although I remain totally dissatisfied with the response, and in fact with nearly all the responses I have had from this misnamed Trust, writing down how I was feeling and what I was thinking, then recognising the distortions in my thinking, was actually very helpful.

One of the many good things about D is that she is ready to step outside the frameworks, though, and respond to where I am. So when I began talking about Christmas and how overwhelming and impossible it feels, she recorded the things I was saying in a way that used CBT but not in a rigid sense, and which also made sense of how the different themes in my thinking were related. More work to do there - my next steps are to make a "To Do" list and to start recognising the things I am achieving. We spoke about childhood developmental stages and how part of me is stuck still in the pre-school era, needing recognition, attention, praise and reassurance. A further step is to identify how I can meet those needs. Perhaps space there for some journalling to recognise when those needs are being met.

Over at Lake Cocytus is an interesting discussion on the different provisions and services within a single Trust. I'd certainly endorse that from my perspective.

Keeping safe

These are the things I need to do for the next week or so:
Reread the Mindfulness book
Take 4mg Valium in the evenings
Phone my CPN if I am not sure I am coping
Read my list of grounding techniques daily and decide if I need to do any of them
Try to cut down on the amount of alcohol I am drinking - but don't use this as a stick to beat myself with
Try to do one thing mindfully each day (making a cup of tea in the morning)
Keep going to body balance classes
Use the sleeping tablets to help me sleep
Try to do some of my quilting each week

D, my CPN, is being great. She's offered to call me tomorrow afternoon to check I am OK.

Remembering to breathe

Saw my CPN yesterday. She was really helpful, very supportive, very gentle and affirming and compassionate. I was very much a wreck.
She let me cry. She helped me hold us all together. We talked about the session with D - what we discussed, how it went, how I felt, and how he might have felt. We talked about endings. We talked about my fragmented parts and how I can hold them together and keep it safe. We agreed what I am going to do to try to keep safe.
I'm working on holding the pieces together. And remembering to breathe properly.

Mindfulness

I took the first of the recommended steps today and, using the CD from the wonderful book lent to me by the wonderful R, did a 30 minute "body scan".
Not sure I managed the objective of staying in the moment for all of it - there were moments when I definitely think I might have drifted off if not fallen asleep - but it was very good, very positive and (I think) has the potential to be really useful. We shall see (particularly whether I am able to keep it up on a daily basis for at least the next two weeks...)

Also managed to clear out and clean a second kitchen cupboard today, as well as watching younger daughter's drama performance at the end of her course. The latter brought its own challenges, having as its central themes bullying and suicidal feelings. Not what I was expecting from a group of 11-18 year olds and certainly unsettling, uncomfortable at times (which I am sure it was intended to be) and had me with a strong desire for escape at certain points (a desire which was totally unachievable). Still, I got through it, and H (and the other students) did very well and clearly have gained hugely from the course. Which is what it is about, really.

Mindfulness

I have mostly been managing to complete one task each day "one-mindfully". I've tried (where possible) to attach the idea of making a cup of tea to this concept, so that whenever I make a cup of tea I focus just on that. It's getting easier; I'm finding that my attention wanders less each time and that I am no longer tempted to race around emptying the dishwasher etc. In a sense it has become a space - or several - in the day, just for me. I've noticed I'm drinking more tea, which suggests that I feel benefits from doing it this way.

I've also been trying to do a breathing activity, focusing on the breath. That often doesn't happen till I am in bed, but it has happened every day so far at some point. I'm finding this much harder; focusing just on my breathing and not on the other thoughts which constantly pop into my mind is difficult.

Interestingly I have found myself challenging my ruminating on the past and the future with the instruction to "focus on now". I've been reminding myself that, no matter how unsafe I have felt at times, how triggered, how abandoned, I am safe here and now.