tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12782308602037387992024-03-07T04:18:01.326+00:00The rollercoaster of lifeI'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.comBlogger705125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-28959160764305241032012-04-29T20:21:00.002+01:002012-04-29T20:21:31.923+01:00Is there an F in "Ofsted"...?Title stolen, but unapologetically so.
Yes, someone knew just what I need right now.
Ofsted are visiting our school on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have spent 12 hours (at least) planning 6 lessons (one will be delivered to three different classes). That works out at around 90 minutes planning for 60 minutes teaching.
The anxiety comes and goes in waves. If anyone else tells Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-3066643093776809652012-04-23T21:51:00.002+01:002012-04-23T22:02:17.765+01:00Crisis point?People won't give up on me. For all my trying. I manage for a while to distance myself from everyone. I managed it for most of today's work time - until the end of the day the most anyone said to me was "hello", apart from one person who broke me by asking how I was and giving me a hug. Then at the end of the day something similar happened with another person.Then I saw my GP. I intended to hide Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-42665739901036100362012-04-21T22:15:00.003+01:002012-04-21T22:18:49.751+01:00Steep slopesI can only say things are getting worse.Have made the decision to cut myself off as much as possible.Found myself looking at ropes in a sports shop recently. They were climbing ropes. I wasn't thinking about climbing. Didn't buy. The thoughts are there. They went away for a while but they are definitely there.Phoned J today to tell her I thought it best to stop seeing her. She didn't agree. I Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-8082589415021517432012-04-12T19:14:00.003+01:002012-04-12T19:24:23.393+01:00BlehSo I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.Some work, some don't.At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!Life is full of interesting conflits right now.The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-55862603074039042342012-01-15T21:08:00.001+00:002012-01-15T21:09:30.405+00:00Rollercoaster - I'm back on you.ShitHere I am again.Scars on the arms and aches in the soul.Not knowing what is going on but finding it all too familiar.And fearing that I know all too well the answer to that question, "So what happens now?"Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-41546862862866113582009-12-05T18:29:00.002+00:002009-12-05T18:31:53.223+00:00SaturdayI am so tired, and there is so much to do and so little space to do it in.Today was spent failing to do Christmas shopping.The run up to Christmas is so stressful. J being away seems to make it more so. Plus things are tough at work right now.I want to find ways to release the pressure. In the past I have used "negative" coping methods. I don't want to resort to those again, but I feel like IDisillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-31510378744628851852009-12-03T22:23:00.000+00:002009-12-03T22:25:03.008+00:00ThursdayDisillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-6704403125804162912009-12-02T21:55:00.002+00:002009-12-02T22:00:13.229+00:00Long gaps..... between my postings... I feel somewhat shy of posting here lately. no idea why.... between T sessions. J is away on holiday. She's entitled! But I am finding it hard. I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode. I recognise that I am irritable, tired, short-fused and tearful - and feel pathetic that I need someone so much. A large part of the problem is that I haven't had that one Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-2606211281032572812009-09-24T16:49:00.003+01:002009-09-24T16:54:54.424+01:00catchupTerm is well underway. I have gone into my overdrive mode and am trying (failing) to slow down. Saw J today. Muddled session; small parts were out and confused and upset. Which left me confused and upset.She was talking about the wise mind / true self. I'm to try to have compassion for my needy attachment and submit parts, and try to bring calm. The theory is that I can learn to say no, can Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-10080774602499957352009-09-01T20:15:00.002+01:002009-09-01T20:24:17.625+01:00School today...Well, it was OK in the end.Some difficult things. One that I have changed the year group I am attached to. In the year group I was with last year I felt safe. I knew the other members of staff well and trusted them. The current year group are nice but very young - don't have as much in common with them - and not the same sense of trust. But it was a difficult situation and I didn't really Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-65554530011365124432009-08-31T22:41:00.003+01:002009-08-31T22:42:57.890+01:00School tomorrowBleh.Part of me is looking forward to it - to the structure, to teaching, to seeing things change.But I know how busy it is going to be. Especially as I have just signed up to take 3 MA modules this year. (Yes, I know. I'm mad. A danger to myself. I know.) I am going to miss the space. Lots of demands over the next few weekends as well. So I have mixed feelings. To say the least.Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-50068721683742015512009-08-27T22:13:00.002+01:002009-08-27T22:22:54.033+01:00Session with JIt was messy. Trying to move from seeing everything as "my fault" to a place where I can see that things happened to me is really really uncomfortable. Trying to talk about things that tie in to my inner shame - things I know I need to talk about, things on one level I want to talk about - that was really difficult. Putting things into words which, deep down, I feel I must not talk about Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-58958112728603992582009-08-15T17:10:00.002+01:002009-08-15T17:14:01.676+01:00Holidays...I have just about two weeks left, and looking over things am satisfied with what i have done. Have managed to complete MA module essay and hand it in on time. Decorated hall and stairs. Sorted mortgage. Filled freezers with meals I have cooked. Cleared garage and got rid of massive amounts of stuff through Freecycle. Chosen and ordered flooring for hall and lounge. Got paint for lounge. Planned Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-36773747040510653822009-08-02T20:23:00.002+01:002009-08-02T20:25:41.664+01:00ProcessingFeeling a bit overwhelmed as I seek to move forward. Uncovering the hidden things of the past and putting them into words is scary and disorientating. I have so many ideas about how to uncover, and so want so much to move forward and out of this, but it is hard. I battle with self-destructive impulses and childlike terror. How far to push it, and when to take a breather?Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-66524501859239765752009-07-31T08:47:00.002+01:002009-07-31T08:57:04.766+01:00UpdatesWell, maybe.Counselling is continuing. J is great, and it is helping - but it is also very hard at times. Yesterday was an example of it being helpful and hard. After every session I seem to go a bit haywire internally as I process things; it makes Thursday evenings ahrd. However, yesterday I went into it with my focus on how to manage the hard feelings, and I did seem to manage them OK. NotDisillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-320859918114967112009-07-27T21:09:00.005+01:002009-07-27T21:14:42.517+01:00When is a Serious Untoward Incident not a SUI?Presumably when the organisation responsible decides it is not.See Mandy's recent posts about her dad, here.BLPT state in their own (recently approved)"POLICY AND PROCEDURE FOR REPORTING ADVERSE INCIDENTS (INCLUDING SERIOUS UNTOWARD INCIDENTS)" that a SUI is one which involves "· NHS Staff, patients, relatives, carers or visitors" which"· Causes death or serious injury or was lifeDisillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-56565844670596284852009-06-11T21:13:00.002+01:002009-06-11T21:14:41.916+01:00Thoughts and emailsDisillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-47627877956566057342009-05-25T20:56:00.002+01:002009-05-25T21:01:47.870+01:00The broken placeHere I amIn the broken place.Surrounded by fragments.Promises echo from the wallsOf those who can reform Humpty DumptyThe potter who makes all things newThe fixer, the great mysteries of Time.They all sound hollow.You are not in my brokenness.You come from a place of wholenessSafe in your still place.What do you know of the tornado which has ripped me into shreds?Look at me now.Look closely.Don'tDisillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-2332162147003106762009-05-25T20:51:00.002+01:002009-05-25T20:55:37.254+01:00OKOK so I admit it. Tis all impossible. merging the pieces of my life, the broken bits, with the me other people see - the me I let them see, the me I want them to see - that is impossible.Seems I have a choice. I have to choose. Am I the broken one or the 100% fine one? Am I the jigsaw or capable and coping?I've tried to be coping. Tried to ignore the cracks, the joins. Tried to pretend Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-56222247800899105732009-04-27T20:44:00.004+01:002009-04-27T20:51:43.711+01:00Scary SundayI spent most of yesterday at our local A&E.... All scary stuff.Went to bed on Saturday evening with pain in my back. Woke with same pain but more so, like someone pressing on my back. Through the morning it progressed to the front of my chest, and up into my jaw. About 12.30 I phoned NHS direct for advice - and before I knew it there was a paramedic at my home and I was all wired up. Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-85338258957937657412009-04-20T18:33:00.001+01:002009-04-20T18:34:13.881+01:00"Training day"Rubbish first day back.Now feeling isolated and inadequate.Bleh.Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-60229118007495373312009-04-08T20:48:00.004+01:002009-04-08T20:51:52.821+01:00PostcardsLots of postcard making going on, albeit in a different style to those I have made previously. Posted here for your consideration. Make of them what you will; there is meaning to each one.Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-4161128847620079922009-04-02T22:39:00.003+01:002009-04-02T22:42:27.474+01:00T sessionJ was, as ever, supportive, encouraging, challenging....It was another tough, dissociative session. Progress made - as far as I remember the session anyway. I wish that I could remember more clearly.Have booked an extra session next week - both to try to build on what I think happened today and because I feel so wobbly and anxious right now. Wish I had got another prescription for Valium Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-71814605842077701472009-04-01T18:48:00.002+01:002009-04-01T18:58:10.453+01:00Counting down......tomorrow is my consultancy day. Big sighs, small smiles. That I can cope with. Am looking forward to being on the receiving end of some training rather than giving it - I have a session booked with one of the regional trainers. If nothing else it will hopefully show me I am telling others how to do things "properly"! I expect to pick up some useful tips and tricks as well.Also tomorrow isDisillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-24373804886210594172009-03-27T21:09:00.002+00:002009-03-27T21:11:39.179+00:00UghI don't have any words left in me.J is away this weekend. It shouldn't matter but it does.One more week of term left. For me, that is 3 teaching days. (I don't teach on Thursdays as I do my consultancy work, and on Friday we have "activities").E is 17 tomorrow. 17! Every time I look at photos of my neice (now 18 months) I see E. The resemblance is uncanny. How can E be 17?I would like to Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com8