Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Thoughts and memories

I was reading here

It reminded me

in a rather scary way

of what was and what may yet be.

For when Mike says of his son, "Sam found it difficult to contribute anything relevant", I really remembered being there. No, I don't have schitzophrenia. But I do remember times when I have been similarly trapped inside, and, no matter how much I have wanted to, I have been able to contribute anything to meetings about my needs and my care. It's a very frightening place for me to be - and I suspect similarly disconcerting for those around me. Trapped inside myself, I know there are words to express how I am feeling but I am unable to articulate them. Sometimes those around me have been able to offer me a key to unlock, however briefly, the door. Sometimes not. Sometimes I must have seemed impossible to help. Sometimes I have felt it impossible that I can ever escape the internal prison. So far I have (eventually) managed it. I know, at some point, I am likely to be back in that prison again. This is a kind of life sentence I am under, with periodic episodes of time-limited release. As yet I can't see fully what the crimes are which will return me to prison. When that enlightenment comes, maybe I will be able to avoid those particular mistakes. Until I can find the way to avoid imprisonment, I am likely to need the help of those who can pass me the key to unlock myself.

And yes, all this is in a strange way part of mindfulness - for I have to learn to live with the possibility of a return of depression / anxiety. Otherwise worrying about it will drive me into it.

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