(from Wikipedia, of course)
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Currently thinking about this with reference to my childhood. Had a positive but hard session with D today. Lots touched on and discussed, including the spectres I only glimpse faintly at the moment. We talked about whether I want to look more closely at these spectres, and if so how I would do that.
The denial I remember going through in great detail, and for a long time, with my psychologist. I think I got to the point of accepting that what happened wasn't ideal, could have been better. Anger is one I struggle with a lot. Just recognising it is difficult, but I can see how I have turned that anger on myself over the years, which led to (and reflected) my depression. Not sure about the bargaining - mainly because I know there is more I have not faced yet, so bargaining is impossible; I have to be honest with myself and accept things before I can move to that. At the moment I am at grief - shown strongly today. I need to get through that, experience it, and experience the anger turned outward (as I briefly did today). To do that I have to believe it is safe to allow myself to feel and express the anger. I came a step closer to that today, but it was frightening and painful.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Monday, 23 June 2008
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
Wobbly
Had a good day at work today - I'm much more resillient to what is thrown my way. All good. So I coped with attempts to make me feel guilty (by the technicians) and even managed to help someone else out, and earn their gratitude.
After work I saw D. that's why I'm a bit wobbly tonight. We did some good work but it went deep, touched some hard places and I got very dissociative - more so than I have been in a long time. I'm OK now, but I was all over the place for a while. We were working around anger, and lots of grief came out too, for some of the things that happened in the past. It needs looking at but it certainly isn't comfortable.
After work I saw D. that's why I'm a bit wobbly tonight. We did some good work but it went deep, touched some hard places and I got very dissociative - more so than I have been in a long time. I'm OK now, but I was all over the place for a while. We were working around anger, and lots of grief came out too, for some of the things that happened in the past. It needs looking at but it certainly isn't comfortable.
Friday, 4 April 2008
Flashbacks
I hate them.
But this time I WAS able to remind myself, "That was then, not now".
And it worked.
Which is big progress for me.
And I am getting better at identifying when what I am feeling is anger.
(It's just knowing what to do with it that is hard!)
But this time I WAS able to remind myself, "That was then, not now".
And it worked.
Which is big progress for me.
And I am getting better at identifying when what I am feeling is anger.
(It's just knowing what to do with it that is hard!)
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
Saying No
So, I'm working on anger at the moment. I got hold of a book which I am finding very helpful. It's called "Managing Anger" and is by Gael Lindenfield. Recently I've been looking at the chapter called "Deal with the Backlog of Unresolved Anger." I suspect it is quite pertinent.There were some statements about recognising past hurt which rang true:
"You may well have forgotten the pain, simply because you had to, in order to cope with the pain or even to survive."Well, in terms of my recent recollections, that rings true.
"You may not be giving yourself the "right" to feel wounded by hurtful experiences."That is also a very strong one for me. Something I have consistently found it difficult to do is to recognise the culture of abuse in my childhood.
There followed a list of "Uncovering Childhood Wounds", most of which I ticked Yes to. The book suggests "doing more exploratory work on your childhood." It asks me to look at a list (in the book) of assertive anger rights and recognise when those rights were abused, including the "small insignificant ones".
The first of these is
I have the right to feel angry when I am frustrated.
Examples:
When this was I asked for support when S was off work sick and was told I could not have it.
My words and actions were twisted.
People made promises and didn't keep them.
When I didn't know what to do as a child to keep Mum happy.
When I got shouted at when I was trying to help.
When I wasn't allowed to say no. There's a lot around saying no. I couldn't say no to the abuse. I couldn't say no to Mum when she complained to me about Dad. I couldn't say no to Mum and Dad's expectations that I would be the model student and achieve the highest grades so I felt I was a disappointment to them. I couldn't say no to Mum and Dad when they wanted me to take responsibility for my brother and his behaviour and moods.
Now I need to go and do something with this anger.
"You may well have forgotten the pain, simply because you had to, in order to cope with the pain or even to survive."Well, in terms of my recent recollections, that rings true.
"You may not be giving yourself the "right" to feel wounded by hurtful experiences."That is also a very strong one for me. Something I have consistently found it difficult to do is to recognise the culture of abuse in my childhood.
There followed a list of "Uncovering Childhood Wounds", most of which I ticked Yes to. The book suggests "doing more exploratory work on your childhood." It asks me to look at a list (in the book) of assertive anger rights and recognise when those rights were abused, including the "small insignificant ones".
The first of these is
I have the right to feel angry when I am frustrated.
Examples:
When this was I asked for support when S was off work sick and was told I could not have it.
My words and actions were twisted.
People made promises and didn't keep them.
When I didn't know what to do as a child to keep Mum happy.
When I got shouted at when I was trying to help.
When I wasn't allowed to say no. There's a lot around saying no. I couldn't say no to the abuse. I couldn't say no to Mum when she complained to me about Dad. I couldn't say no to Mum and Dad's expectations that I would be the model student and achieve the highest grades so I felt I was a disappointment to them. I couldn't say no to Mum and Dad when they wanted me to take responsibility for my brother and his behaviour and moods.
Now I need to go and do something with this anger.
Monday, 31 March 2008
therapy session
Tough but useful one today. May be making some progress on anger - I shouted (not at D!) today, in anger. Only once, but I did it - and for someone who does not do anger, that's a biggie. trouble is, am now aware (as D suggested might happen) of stored anger, and I don't like it. Plans to do some more "behavioural" stuff in coming weeks. Yikes.
Also talked about the ending of our sessions - still some way away, but needs to be kept in awareness for me, given how hard I find endings of any sort and therapy endings in particular.
Had details sent to me of a programme tonight on BBC 2 looking at mindfulness as an alternative therapy. Details of the programme can be found here. BBC2 9-10pm. Could be interesting.
Also talked about the ending of our sessions - still some way away, but needs to be kept in awareness for me, given how hard I find endings of any sort and therapy endings in particular.
Had details sent to me of a programme tonight on BBC 2 looking at mindfulness as an alternative therapy. Details of the programme can be found here. BBC2 9-10pm. Could be interesting.
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Managing Anger
In my latest Amazon package was the Gael Lindenfield book on anger which I mentioned before. I got it out tonight to look at the next section and reflect on it.
The exercise for the chapter I read is this:
Note down the price you may be paying for not acknowledging or assertively managing your anger.
My body:
Physical tension, expecially in my shoulders.
Headaches.
Anxiety.
My mind:
Low self esteem. Self-criticism. Excessive worrying. Ruminative thinking.
My behaviour:
Unassertive. Offering to help where I should be looking out for myself.
My work:
Being taken for granted.
And then:
Make a list of positive atatements which you could use as assertions.
It is good for me to recognise when I feel angry.
I have a right to express my feelings responsibly.
Wow this is hard. Not doing too great a job on it. But it's a start, I suppose.
The exercise for the chapter I read is this:
Note down the price you may be paying for not acknowledging or assertively managing your anger.
My body:
Physical tension, expecially in my shoulders.
Headaches.
Anxiety.
My mind:
Low self esteem. Self-criticism. Excessive worrying. Ruminative thinking.
My behaviour:
Unassertive. Offering to help where I should be looking out for myself.
My work:
Being taken for granted.
And then:
Make a list of positive atatements which you could use as assertions.
It is good for me to recognise when I feel angry.
I have a right to express my feelings responsibly.
Wow this is hard. Not doing too great a job on it. But it's a start, I suppose.
Monday, 10 March 2008
Additional BLPT records received...
Thanks to the hard work of the BLPT Information Governance Department, I today received copies of the notes from the Professionals' meeting and the notes from the investigator into my complaint (the third time round!)
The professionals' meeting notes are helpful and generally positive - M provided the negative voice, justifying herself more than supporting me, but all the others at the meeting were very supportive.
The investigator's report includes some very negative statements.
Positively it does include apologies. But, in line with other communications, it criticises me for contacting the Trust repeatedly (ignoring the fact, for example, that my second series of contact was in an effort to get a transfer of care to a different CMHT. Indeed, the investigat0r states his desire to "apologise for the internal machinations and unprofessionalism at times which has caused you unnecessary extra strain and concern. ") Nonetheless, he cites the number of times I contacted the Trust as if this was a fault on my part and unreasonable. It's possible to see it that way, I suppose, if you ignore the reasons (something this Trust is good at doing).
It declares that the letters I received provided "factual answers to issues and concerns" - ignoring the effect on me of the way the answers were presented. It also ignores the fact that several of the "factual" responses were factually inaccurate.
It agrees (hooray!) that M should not ahve been the investigator. It also comments that, "All relevant and non-relevant information has been considered in relation to the issues and concerns at hand, unfortunately there does need to be an acceptance that initially this was not the case" (in the original responses). In other words, the initial responses were not based on a full consideration of the facts.
The most offensive comment, to me, in this report, was the following:
"The investigator does want it noted that on the 18/07/07 at 09:24, the complainant did send an inflammatory email to Maria Guest stating ‘you have previously refused to offer me the support I have sought.’ ‘It is your actions that have caused my mental health to deteriorate’ ‘Your inability to offer me emotional support,’ and ‘I do not wish to hear from you directly again, please. Please do not email me, phone me or write to me.’ These comments are deemed not at all helpful towards trying to resolve the situation of support and in terms of trying to alleviate the situation and find middle ground, completely inappropriate."
OK, so that was the email I sent to M after I had told her previously I did not believe she could offer support. I had told her manager I did not wish for support from her or her team and he had offered that as the only solution. My psychologist had told M's line manager he believed it was in my best intersted to be transferred to another team and the line manager ignored that too. At that point M sent me an email telling me she was able and "willing" to provide support. I was incredibly distressed at this point, having been accused by M of being defamatory and personal. I wasn't trying to resolve the situation, I was trying to escape it, and politely trying to state my wishes had achieved nothing. I don't agree it was inflammatory. I stand by all I said.
Of course, the declaration re discrimination remains that I was not discriminated against because there is no written evidence of such discrimination.
There's a very very interesting observation about CPA. You may remember I tried to get a copy of my CPA while my then care coordinator was absent. The investigator states,
"The Care Plan Approach (CPA) has been a source of tremendous procrastination and confusion, the cause of which appears to be the lack of communication between the Service Provider and the Service-User."
Now, is this meant to suggest that it was my fault I did not receive a Care plan? Or is this a more general statement? In other words, is the claim that I did not get my Care plan because I failed to communicate with BLPT and they with me, or that this is what generally happens? In either case, I had been asking for my CPA for several months. Apparently it was never completed before S went off sick. I don't think that is my case, or down to poor communication; it's down to someone else not doing the job they were supposed to and telling me they had. To try to imply I am to blame says a lot about the investigator.
There's a lot of covering up and deflecting of the real issues (and of real apportioning of blame) here.
How far is someone who is mentally unwell, asking for support and not getting it, to blame for problems perceived as being caused by asking repeatedly for support. Stuff for another post, I think. For now, I'm off for a massage.
Oh, and a breakthrough - I AM angry.
The professionals' meeting notes are helpful and generally positive - M provided the negative voice, justifying herself more than supporting me, but all the others at the meeting were very supportive.
The investigator's report includes some very negative statements.
Positively it does include apologies. But, in line with other communications, it criticises me for contacting the Trust repeatedly (ignoring the fact, for example, that my second series of contact was in an effort to get a transfer of care to a different CMHT. Indeed, the investigat0r states his desire to "apologise for the internal machinations and unprofessionalism at times which has caused you unnecessary extra strain and concern. ") Nonetheless, he cites the number of times I contacted the Trust as if this was a fault on my part and unreasonable. It's possible to see it that way, I suppose, if you ignore the reasons (something this Trust is good at doing).
It declares that the letters I received provided "factual answers to issues and concerns" - ignoring the effect on me of the way the answers were presented. It also ignores the fact that several of the "factual" responses were factually inaccurate.
It agrees (hooray!) that M should not ahve been the investigator. It also comments that, "All relevant and non-relevant information has been considered in relation to the issues and concerns at hand, unfortunately there does need to be an acceptance that initially this was not the case" (in the original responses). In other words, the initial responses were not based on a full consideration of the facts.
The most offensive comment, to me, in this report, was the following:
"The investigator does want it noted that on the 18/07/07 at 09:24, the complainant did send an inflammatory email to Maria Guest stating ‘you have previously refused to offer me the support I have sought.’ ‘It is your actions that have caused my mental health to deteriorate’ ‘Your inability to offer me emotional support,’ and ‘I do not wish to hear from you directly again, please. Please do not email me, phone me or write to me.’ These comments are deemed not at all helpful towards trying to resolve the situation of support and in terms of trying to alleviate the situation and find middle ground, completely inappropriate."
OK, so that was the email I sent to M after I had told her previously I did not believe she could offer support. I had told her manager I did not wish for support from her or her team and he had offered that as the only solution. My psychologist had told M's line manager he believed it was in my best intersted to be transferred to another team and the line manager ignored that too. At that point M sent me an email telling me she was able and "willing" to provide support. I was incredibly distressed at this point, having been accused by M of being defamatory and personal. I wasn't trying to resolve the situation, I was trying to escape it, and politely trying to state my wishes had achieved nothing. I don't agree it was inflammatory. I stand by all I said.
Of course, the declaration re discrimination remains that I was not discriminated against because there is no written evidence of such discrimination.
There's a very very interesting observation about CPA. You may remember I tried to get a copy of my CPA while my then care coordinator was absent. The investigator states,
"The Care Plan Approach (CPA) has been a source of tremendous procrastination and confusion, the cause of which appears to be the lack of communication between the Service Provider and the Service-User."
Now, is this meant to suggest that it was my fault I did not receive a Care plan? Or is this a more general statement? In other words, is the claim that I did not get my Care plan because I failed to communicate with BLPT and they with me, or that this is what generally happens? In either case, I had been asking for my CPA for several months. Apparently it was never completed before S went off sick. I don't think that is my case, or down to poor communication; it's down to someone else not doing the job they were supposed to and telling me they had. To try to imply I am to blame says a lot about the investigator.
There's a lot of covering up and deflecting of the real issues (and of real apportioning of blame) here.
How far is someone who is mentally unwell, asking for support and not getting it, to blame for problems perceived as being caused by asking repeatedly for support. Stuff for another post, I think. For now, I'm off for a massage.
Oh, and a breakthrough - I AM angry.
Saturday, 8 March 2008
Rage
Had a moment of overwhelming rage yesterday. It surprised me, seemed to come out of nowhere and to be addressed at nothing I could figure out.
Of course, thinking about it, it wasn't addressed at anything that was actually happening there and then, but at things that happened in the past. There is feeling inside me about all of this and I need to face it, because I have to find ways of expressing how I feel rather than storing it up and having it explode like this.
I felt this was connected to The Little One – it was her rage, and she was unable to express it, either then or now. A challenge for me is to help her to do that and to accept it for myself, now. She couldn’t put it into words. I don’t know if that was because she didn’t have the words, or because she couldn’t emotionally accept or express that rage.
Of course, thinking about it, it wasn't addressed at anything that was actually happening there and then, but at things that happened in the past. There is feeling inside me about all of this and I need to face it, because I have to find ways of expressing how I feel rather than storing it up and having it explode like this.
I felt this was connected to The Little One – it was her rage, and she was unable to express it, either then or now. A challenge for me is to help her to do that and to accept it for myself, now. She couldn’t put it into words. I don’t know if that was because she didn’t have the words, or because she couldn’t emotionally accept or express that rage.
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Thinking about anger again
This is the current focus of my work with D. She suggested I watch some TV programmes to see how other people deal with anger, eg in soaps. Trouble is, I'm not a great "soap" fan! Waterloo Road is about the only one I enjoy (and it does provide plenty of examples of anger, especially recently!)
But I did wonder if any of you could help me. What makes you angry? And what do you do when you feel angry?
Waterloo road last week showed characters shouting and storming off, slamming doors etc. I'm not sure if this is "normal" or the only way of handling anger, or the best way of handling anger. Any insight readers here would be prepared to give would be very welcome.
But I did wonder if any of you could help me. What makes you angry? And what do you do when you feel angry?
Waterloo road last week showed characters shouting and storming off, slamming doors etc. I'm not sure if this is "normal" or the only way of handling anger, or the best way of handling anger. Any insight readers here would be prepared to give would be very welcome.
Saturday, 23 February 2008
Wanting to swear and curse but only managing to beat myself up.
Fighting the self harm urges tonight. OK, honesty here - have given in. Trying to understand why. I think the overload currently is just too much and the self harm provides a way ofmaking things more manageable. I don't seem able to control how I am feeling, but I can control (to some extent) my self harm.
Have phoned the CRHT and they have encouraged me to take some valium. That's a way of numbing some of the feelings. Alcohol is providing a similar tool. I know, I know, it's not wise - but I don't relaly care at the moment - I jsut want all the feelings to stop. I want to sleep all the time. I want to avoid all the thoughts and feelings. I've only been able to tell two people about the thing that is troubling me most at the moment, and I can't talk in detail to either of them, especially not at the moment. I feel too ashamed and raw about it; and talking about it makes it real and I don't want it to be real. I don't want to be thinking / remembering these things.
And I feel pathetic that I am here again. even if only temporarily. Why am I posting this? I have no idea. Only that something tells me it is better to post it than to have it festering inside. Perhaps if I get it out of me it will have less power over me. everything I have read tells me that talking about it is the first step - but I still see it as a sign of my guilt, my failure, my wrongness, so I am scared to talk about it.
Have phoned the CRHT and they have encouraged me to take some valium. That's a way of numbing some of the feelings. Alcohol is providing a similar tool. I know, I know, it's not wise - but I don't relaly care at the moment - I jsut want all the feelings to stop. I want to sleep all the time. I want to avoid all the thoughts and feelings. I've only been able to tell two people about the thing that is troubling me most at the moment, and I can't talk in detail to either of them, especially not at the moment. I feel too ashamed and raw about it; and talking about it makes it real and I don't want it to be real. I don't want to be thinking / remembering these things.
And I feel pathetic that I am here again. even if only temporarily. Why am I posting this? I have no idea. Only that something tells me it is better to post it than to have it festering inside. Perhaps if I get it out of me it will have less power over me. everything I have read tells me that talking about it is the first step - but I still see it as a sign of my guilt, my failure, my wrongness, so I am scared to talk about it.
Thursday, 21 February 2008
Consequences
The ex-pupil who sent me yesterday's email came into his old school today to apologise to me. We met with the deputy head teacher and his mother.
He began with an apology, but also with an attempt to evade his responsibility for his actions. He claimed it "just happened", that he "didn't know" why he did it. I pointed out that he had made a choice to log on to his old school email account, made the choice of sending me an email, said that he had chosen to type the words he had, said that he had made the decision to sign the email with another pupil's name. I pointed out that he had chosen a subject line which made it more likely that I would read his email.
I told him that his saying sorry didn't make it OK. that I wouldn't tell him it was OK, because it wasn't. I told him something of what it is like to have depression. I told him how at times I have not wanted to live any more, and I told him that I have carried on working while I was really ill.
I explained to him how I felt doubly hurt by his actions because I believed we had a relationship based on mutual respect. I reminded him that I had encouraged his interest in ICT and had helped him to develop his skills (often in my own time).
His Mum was fantastic - very down the line with him. She told him that she was ashamed of him. She apologised to me, saying that she felt it was her fault - and I told her it was her son's decision to do what he did. She said he has lost the use of his computer, lost internet access at home, as a result of what he did. I suggested he should do some reading around depression and what it was like and his mum said he would do this.
The deputy head then contacted the school this pupil now attends, with which we have close lins. They have been fantastic. He has apparently been causing concern recently anyway, and had been internally excluded yesterday for other actions. He has now been excluded from school for 5 days. When he returns he will have a mentor and extra guidance. The school are also going to give him some materials on depression (which I will supply) and he will have to write a personal response to them. The school have also removed his Internet privileges for the foreseeable future.
Then I fell apart a bit, needed time to recover. Other staff were fantastic - and have been throughout the day. I have had nothing but validation, support and sympathy. That (and the comments here, and the response from the boy's mother, my school management and his school's management, have all helped me to believe I didn't deserve to be treated like this. I still don't feel angry about this - maybe that will come - but mostly I feel confused and hurt and guilty. That needs unpacking still.
It's been hard at times today to stay grounded. Fortunately I had a gym session booked tonight; I got there early and did some cardio and weights on my own, then spent the booked time doing some Yoga. That really helped.
He began with an apology, but also with an attempt to evade his responsibility for his actions. He claimed it "just happened", that he "didn't know" why he did it. I pointed out that he had made a choice to log on to his old school email account, made the choice of sending me an email, said that he had chosen to type the words he had, said that he had made the decision to sign the email with another pupil's name. I pointed out that he had chosen a subject line which made it more likely that I would read his email.
I told him that his saying sorry didn't make it OK. that I wouldn't tell him it was OK, because it wasn't. I told him something of what it is like to have depression. I told him how at times I have not wanted to live any more, and I told him that I have carried on working while I was really ill.
I explained to him how I felt doubly hurt by his actions because I believed we had a relationship based on mutual respect. I reminded him that I had encouraged his interest in ICT and had helped him to develop his skills (often in my own time).
His Mum was fantastic - very down the line with him. She told him that she was ashamed of him. She apologised to me, saying that she felt it was her fault - and I told her it was her son's decision to do what he did. She said he has lost the use of his computer, lost internet access at home, as a result of what he did. I suggested he should do some reading around depression and what it was like and his mum said he would do this.
The deputy head then contacted the school this pupil now attends, with which we have close lins. They have been fantastic. He has apparently been causing concern recently anyway, and had been internally excluded yesterday for other actions. He has now been excluded from school for 5 days. When he returns he will have a mentor and extra guidance. The school are also going to give him some materials on depression (which I will supply) and he will have to write a personal response to them. The school have also removed his Internet privileges for the foreseeable future.
Then I fell apart a bit, needed time to recover. Other staff were fantastic - and have been throughout the day. I have had nothing but validation, support and sympathy. That (and the comments here, and the response from the boy's mother, my school management and his school's management, have all helped me to believe I didn't deserve to be treated like this. I still don't feel angry about this - maybe that will come - but mostly I feel confused and hurt and guilty. That needs unpacking still.
It's been hard at times today to stay grounded. Fortunately I had a gym session booked tonight; I got there early and did some cardio and weights on my own, then spent the booked time doing some Yoga. That really helped.
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Saturday
A real mixture today.
Had a good sewing day - made a bag which I am pleased with.
Got really angry yesterday and it threw me - out of proportion, I suppose, and unable to express how I was feeling. It tied in to all the childhood stuff, I later realised - because I was angry with someone I cared about and that made me feel even more ambivalent. Plus I didn't know what to do with the emotion I was feeling, how to express it safely (so maybe that is something I need to loook at). Plus I was already tired from struggling with the computer & viruses most of the day (and I often end up feeling stressed when there are computer problems because it feels like my responsiblity to fix them, even though this problem was NOT of my making). And lots of other stuff. Really struggled not to punish myself, but managed it.
This afternoon I just feel really tired. Not surprising I suppose. But frustrating all the same.
Had a good sewing day - made a bag which I am pleased with.
Got really angry yesterday and it threw me - out of proportion, I suppose, and unable to express how I was feeling. It tied in to all the childhood stuff, I later realised - because I was angry with someone I cared about and that made me feel even more ambivalent. Plus I didn't know what to do with the emotion I was feeling, how to express it safely (so maybe that is something I need to loook at). Plus I was already tired from struggling with the computer & viruses most of the day (and I often end up feeling stressed when there are computer problems because it feels like my responsiblity to fix them, even though this problem was NOT of my making). And lots of other stuff. Really struggled not to punish myself, but managed it.
This afternoon I just feel really tired. Not surprising I suppose. But frustrating all the same.
Friday, 15 February 2008
Anger work
Have got a new book from the library: Managing Anger by Gail Lindenfield.
Here's what she writes about problems caused by burying anger, and the reasons for this:
Anthony Storr: "They hate those whom they love since they cannot get from them what they really need, and since they dare not show this hate for fear of losing even that which they have, they turn it inwards against themselves."
Anthony Storr explained how and why depressives first start turning thein anger inwards. The very first feelings of anger and frustration which they felt were usually in response to physical or emotional abuse or neglect from parents or parent figures. In these original, pattern-setting relationships, they were actually powerless and very unsafe.
Unfortunately, the depressive's originally useful way of coping with anger can become a habit which they then use inappropriately and indiscriminately whenever they perceive a loss or frustration - even when they have no real cause to feel powerless or frightened. So that by the time they reach adulthood you can hear them blaming themselves for all sorts of unjust hurts.
I read this and felt shivers up and down my spine. Because that is so like me. So are her examples of how people like this behave. I've done them all, frequently do most of them. And then, a little later, she writes:
They have probably lost sight of the hurts and frustrations which originally gave rise to the depression. Ask them what is wrong and they will usually reply, "I don't know" or "Nothing"; ask them if anyone or anything has upset them and they will insist, "No, it's just me." And ask them if you can help and they will usually say, "No, just leave me alone."
But we mustn't forget that, unlike the manipulative aggressor, the person who is in a state of depression is not "trying it on" - they actually have forgotten the hurt, they can no longer feel the anger, they do think they are powerless, and do honestly believe that no one can help them.
Then Gill Lindenfield suggests "reprogramming your mind to think more positively about anger". So this is where I am beginning to work.
My Assertive Anger Rights
1. I have a right to feel angry when I am frustrated.
2. I have a right to feel angry when I am disheartened.
3. I have a right to feel angry when I am hurt.
4. I have a right to feel angry when I am attacked.
5. I have a right to feel angry when I am oppressed.
6. I have a right to feel angry when I am exploited.
7. I have a right to feel angry when I am manipulated.
8. I have a right to feel angry when I am cheated.
9. I have a right to feel angry when my needs are ignored.
10. I have a right to feel angry when I am let down.
11. I have a right to feel angry when I am rejected.
12. I have a right to feel angry when my health, welfare, happiness or peace is threatened.
13. I have a right to feel angry when my survival is threatened.
14. I have a right to feel angry when I see other people's rights being abused or threatened.
15. I have a right to feel angry when I see anything which I value being abused or threatened.
16. I have a right to feel angry when I lose someone or something which I value.
17. I have the right to expres my anger safely and assertively.
18. I have the right to choose not to express my anger and to accept responsiblity for any consequences of my choice.
19. I have the right to encourage others to express their anger safely and assertively.
20. I have the right to protect myself from the passive or aggressive anger of others.
My task now is to read and reread this list, making notes as I do. I can cross out or add to parts of the list.
Then I need to make a list of people whom I observe owning these rights and using their anger in a safe constructive way.
Then I can mark the rights I consider most relevant to me and my life, noting down specific examples.
Finally in this section I am to select one of these rights to focus on for the next week. Note down examples of it being upheld and abused by others and myself.
That should keep me going, then!
Here's what she writes about problems caused by burying anger, and the reasons for this:
Anthony Storr: "They hate those whom they love since they cannot get from them what they really need, and since they dare not show this hate for fear of losing even that which they have, they turn it inwards against themselves."
Anthony Storr explained how and why depressives first start turning thein anger inwards. The very first feelings of anger and frustration which they felt were usually in response to physical or emotional abuse or neglect from parents or parent figures. In these original, pattern-setting relationships, they were actually powerless and very unsafe.
Unfortunately, the depressive's originally useful way of coping with anger can become a habit which they then use inappropriately and indiscriminately whenever they perceive a loss or frustration - even when they have no real cause to feel powerless or frightened. So that by the time they reach adulthood you can hear them blaming themselves for all sorts of unjust hurts.
I read this and felt shivers up and down my spine. Because that is so like me. So are her examples of how people like this behave. I've done them all, frequently do most of them. And then, a little later, she writes:
They have probably lost sight of the hurts and frustrations which originally gave rise to the depression. Ask them what is wrong and they will usually reply, "I don't know" or "Nothing"; ask them if anyone or anything has upset them and they will insist, "No, it's just me." And ask them if you can help and they will usually say, "No, just leave me alone."
But we mustn't forget that, unlike the manipulative aggressor, the person who is in a state of depression is not "trying it on" - they actually have forgotten the hurt, they can no longer feel the anger, they do think they are powerless, and do honestly believe that no one can help them.
Then Gill Lindenfield suggests "reprogramming your mind to think more positively about anger". So this is where I am beginning to work.
My Assertive Anger Rights
1. I have a right to feel angry when I am frustrated.
2. I have a right to feel angry when I am disheartened.
3. I have a right to feel angry when I am hurt.
4. I have a right to feel angry when I am attacked.
5. I have a right to feel angry when I am oppressed.
6. I have a right to feel angry when I am exploited.
7. I have a right to feel angry when I am manipulated.
8. I have a right to feel angry when I am cheated.
9. I have a right to feel angry when my needs are ignored.
10. I have a right to feel angry when I am let down.
11. I have a right to feel angry when I am rejected.
12. I have a right to feel angry when my health, welfare, happiness or peace is threatened.
13. I have a right to feel angry when my survival is threatened.
14. I have a right to feel angry when I see other people's rights being abused or threatened.
15. I have a right to feel angry when I see anything which I value being abused or threatened.
16. I have a right to feel angry when I lose someone or something which I value.
17. I have the right to expres my anger safely and assertively.
18. I have the right to choose not to express my anger and to accept responsiblity for any consequences of my choice.
19. I have the right to encourage others to express their anger safely and assertively.
20. I have the right to protect myself from the passive or aggressive anger of others.
My task now is to read and reread this list, making notes as I do. I can cross out or add to parts of the list.
Then I need to make a list of people whom I observe owning these rights and using their anger in a safe constructive way.
Then I can mark the rights I consider most relevant to me and my life, noting down specific examples.
Finally in this section I am to select one of these rights to focus on for the next week. Note down examples of it being upheld and abused by others and myself.
That should keep me going, then!
Friday, 8 February 2008
Mindfulness
Marcella, aroundanaround, MMP and others have all made posts recently which are tuning me in to the idea of mindfulness and the impact it is having on my life. Not (as A&A suggests) that I am in any way an expert - in fact, I am still hunting and hoping for a very basic level course to become available on mindfulness based stress reduction in my area. As posted before, I did receive details of one run by my local Day Resource Centre, which I would have willingly (and enthusiastically) signed up for - but it is on a weekday afternoon. So not possible.
But I am thinking about it and working on it, in my own very small ways. And I am starting to think small ways are the best. For example, my morning routines have changed. No longer do I try to multi task, attempting to make the tea while emptying the washing machine and refilling the dryer, remembering halfway through that I haven't refilled the coffee maker ready for W when he comes down. Instead I focus on one thing at a time. drinks first, then the washing up, then the washing. Within each area I focus on what I am doing. At the start I often had to remind myself, "No, I'm not doing the washing machine at the moment - I am emptying the dryer first." Now it seems to happen more automatically, and I seem to be becoming more efficient (and less stressed) in the mornings. (Mind you, I would still love our dishwasher to work again...)
I was discussing with a friend at work today how I am trying to carry this through into my feelings and reactions too. I've been trying to use body scanning to manage my anxiety levels. Specifically, I've been trying to identify, when I feel anxious, where in my body I sense that emotion. Gradually I am tuning in to my stomach churning, or my heart racing, or my breathing becoming faster and more shallow. Rather than consciously trying to change those feelings, I am focusing on them and observing them, trying to cultivate and interested detachment. As I do so, particularly with the breathing, the physical sensations often change. It's interesting, because changing the sensations is not the objective. It's all about observing, accepting, noticing. I'm starting to try to use this with the issues around anger too. But as I still don't identify my own feelings as anger, it's rather hard to observe bodily sensations associated with anger. Instead I am coming at it from the other end. D had me research the common experience of anger, and as part of that I listed the physical sensations. Now I am watching for those sensations, trying to tune into them to indicate to me when what I am feeling might actually be anger.
But also, mindfulness is about living in the now. So I'm trying (it's hard!) to focus on what I am feeling and experiencing now, and not dwelling on what has happened or what will happen. I'm using another strategy I was given. of allowing myself worry time - time to obsess or think about things, to go over them and hopefully process them. But outside of those times, I am trying (it's hard, as I said!) not to dwell on them. I'm trying, instead (yes, it's very hard, and I'm not very good at it!) to redirect my thoughts to what is happening now.
Is it working? Well, this week I have had three people, completely independently, tell me how well I seem, how well I seem to be coping. Given that this time of the year has been, for the past three years particularly, my very worst, and that I have at this time for the past three years ended up taking time off work, that is something I am pleased about. Despite the ridiculous pressures at work, despite my exhaustion, despite everything else, I am enjoying my job, and I am coping. It isn't all down to the mindfulness (I'm not doing enough of it for that!) but the mindfulness is definitely helping.
But I am thinking about it and working on it, in my own very small ways. And I am starting to think small ways are the best. For example, my morning routines have changed. No longer do I try to multi task, attempting to make the tea while emptying the washing machine and refilling the dryer, remembering halfway through that I haven't refilled the coffee maker ready for W when he comes down. Instead I focus on one thing at a time. drinks first, then the washing up, then the washing. Within each area I focus on what I am doing. At the start I often had to remind myself, "No, I'm not doing the washing machine at the moment - I am emptying the dryer first." Now it seems to happen more automatically, and I seem to be becoming more efficient (and less stressed) in the mornings. (Mind you, I would still love our dishwasher to work again...)
I was discussing with a friend at work today how I am trying to carry this through into my feelings and reactions too. I've been trying to use body scanning to manage my anxiety levels. Specifically, I've been trying to identify, when I feel anxious, where in my body I sense that emotion. Gradually I am tuning in to my stomach churning, or my heart racing, or my breathing becoming faster and more shallow. Rather than consciously trying to change those feelings, I am focusing on them and observing them, trying to cultivate and interested detachment. As I do so, particularly with the breathing, the physical sensations often change. It's interesting, because changing the sensations is not the objective. It's all about observing, accepting, noticing. I'm starting to try to use this with the issues around anger too. But as I still don't identify my own feelings as anger, it's rather hard to observe bodily sensations associated with anger. Instead I am coming at it from the other end. D had me research the common experience of anger, and as part of that I listed the physical sensations. Now I am watching for those sensations, trying to tune into them to indicate to me when what I am feeling might actually be anger.
But also, mindfulness is about living in the now. So I'm trying (it's hard!) to focus on what I am feeling and experiencing now, and not dwelling on what has happened or what will happen. I'm using another strategy I was given. of allowing myself worry time - time to obsess or think about things, to go over them and hopefully process them. But outside of those times, I am trying (it's hard, as I said!) not to dwell on them. I'm trying, instead (yes, it's very hard, and I'm not very good at it!) to redirect my thoughts to what is happening now.
Is it working? Well, this week I have had three people, completely independently, tell me how well I seem, how well I seem to be coping. Given that this time of the year has been, for the past three years particularly, my very worst, and that I have at this time for the past three years ended up taking time off work, that is something I am pleased about. Despite the ridiculous pressures at work, despite my exhaustion, despite everything else, I am enjoying my job, and I am coping. It isn't all down to the mindfulness (I'm not doing enough of it for that!) but the mindfulness is definitely helping.
Tuesday, 5 February 2008
More on mindfulness
The challenge I am setting myself at the moment is to focus on whatever situation I am actually in. I have a tendency to flit, in thoughts and actions. Sometimes it is called multitasking, and sometimes (especially in teaching and as a Mum) it is beneficial and essential. But I can see it comes at a cost; it's a bit like running 5 lights off one battery - the battery drains more quickly and needs recharging.
So I am trying, where practical, to do one thing at a time.
At school, the list of tasks is ridiculous and ever-growing. Last week I felt totally overwhelmed by this. I spoke to a colleague, who helped me to see that the priority was the Y8 reports I have to write, and the assessments I have to complete in order to write them. She told me to "focus on those, do only those, and leave everything else."
So I have tried to do that. I didn't really believe it was possible. Didn't believe I could put on one side all the other marking / assessing / materials developing. But I have really tried - and it is working. I have got one set of reports finished. I have marked half of the assessments. I can see I have made progress. The other jobs are still there, but they will have to wait and I have decided they will wait. And the world hasn't fallen apart.
When I have been worried this week, I have allowed myself to focus on that worrying. I have linked it in to a technique D taught me, of allowing myself worry time - and then shutting out the worry at other times, until my next worry time comes around. It's working.
When I have felt anxious, I have focused in on where in my body I feel that anxiety. What are the physical sensations? I have let myself acknowledge the physical symptoms, acknowledge the worry - and then moved on to the next thing when I have spent enough time on that or when other demands arrive.
When I am teaching, I teach. If I am working with a pupil and another wants my attention, I am getting better at pointing out to them that I am talking to someone else and they will have to wait. (I'm not sure they are getting much better at waiting, though!)
I feel calmer. I feel more productive. I feel less stressed (most of the time!)
So now I need to move back to looking at the tough issues D and I have decided to work on, principally that of anger. Maybe I can apply some of this to that sensation. It still terrifies me, but I feel slightly more grounded and hopefully more able to at least look at this emotion, why it terrifies me so much that I block it out, and what I can do about it.
So I am trying, where practical, to do one thing at a time.
At school, the list of tasks is ridiculous and ever-growing. Last week I felt totally overwhelmed by this. I spoke to a colleague, who helped me to see that the priority was the Y8 reports I have to write, and the assessments I have to complete in order to write them. She told me to "focus on those, do only those, and leave everything else."
So I have tried to do that. I didn't really believe it was possible. Didn't believe I could put on one side all the other marking / assessing / materials developing. But I have really tried - and it is working. I have got one set of reports finished. I have marked half of the assessments. I can see I have made progress. The other jobs are still there, but they will have to wait and I have decided they will wait. And the world hasn't fallen apart.
When I have been worried this week, I have allowed myself to focus on that worrying. I have linked it in to a technique D taught me, of allowing myself worry time - and then shutting out the worry at other times, until my next worry time comes around. It's working.
When I have felt anxious, I have focused in on where in my body I feel that anxiety. What are the physical sensations? I have let myself acknowledge the physical symptoms, acknowledge the worry - and then moved on to the next thing when I have spent enough time on that or when other demands arrive.
When I am teaching, I teach. If I am working with a pupil and another wants my attention, I am getting better at pointing out to them that I am talking to someone else and they will have to wait. (I'm not sure they are getting much better at waiting, though!)
I feel calmer. I feel more productive. I feel less stressed (most of the time!)
So now I need to move back to looking at the tough issues D and I have decided to work on, principally that of anger. Maybe I can apply some of this to that sensation. It still terrifies me, but I feel slightly more grounded and hopefully more able to at least look at this emotion, why it terrifies me so much that I block it out, and what I can do about it.
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Postal services
I've been expecting a recorded delivery letter. On Thursday I got home to find a note through the door saying an attempt had been made to deliver it but nobody had been at home.
No problem, I thought, I'll arrange for it to be delivered on Friday when W was due to be in all morning, and I phoned our local office.
No way - nobody was answering the phone.
OK, I thought, I'll use the online service.
No way - their was no option to request delivery on Friday.
OK, I thought, I'll arrange delivery for Saturday. W agreed to stay in while I was at my sewing course. I filled in all required fields and got an email confirming the package would be delivered on Saturday.
Only it wasn't. So now I have to make a dash to the post office after work one day (not easy, next week!) to pick it up.
What really disturbed me was my reaction. I got really angry. I knew I was angry. Both features are very unusual for me. I didn't know what to do with my anger and i felt very disturbed by it. It was out of proportion. I didn't feel in control. A big part of me feels I would rather carry on turning my anger on myself than experience these horrible feelings in future.
No problem, I thought, I'll arrange for it to be delivered on Friday when W was due to be in all morning, and I phoned our local office.
No way - nobody was answering the phone.
OK, I thought, I'll use the online service.
No way - their was no option to request delivery on Friday.
OK, I thought, I'll arrange delivery for Saturday. W agreed to stay in while I was at my sewing course. I filled in all required fields and got an email confirming the package would be delivered on Saturday.
Only it wasn't. So now I have to make a dash to the post office after work one day (not easy, next week!) to pick it up.
What really disturbed me was my reaction. I got really angry. I knew I was angry. Both features are very unusual for me. I didn't know what to do with my anger and i felt very disturbed by it. It was out of proportion. I didn't feel in control. A big part of me feels I would rather carry on turning my anger on myself than experience these horrible feelings in future.
Friday, 11 January 2008
Anger again
A post here has me thinking again on this.
I find it almost impossible to recognise anger in myself (though I am hyper-alert for any signs of it in others). My first hint of anger towards others seems to be immediately redirected at myself. It is translated into guilt, self-punishment, self-hatred.
Where did I miss out on the lesson of recognising this emotion in myself? Actually, I think it is not so much that I missed this lesson but that I learnt other lessons too well. It's rather like the way we were taught that Pluto is a planet. Even though cosmologists now tell us it is not, some of us still rattle off "My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas" when asked the names of the planets. If the pizzas are not there any more, what do we put in its place? How do we make a new statement of our understanding? If I am to learn that suppressing and denying my anger is not the best way to proceed, what do I put in place of this previous understanding? Indeed, how do I make sense of a new "universe" where the previous rules ("anger is dangerous") are apparently wrong?
I find it almost impossible to recognise anger in myself (though I am hyper-alert for any signs of it in others). My first hint of anger towards others seems to be immediately redirected at myself. It is translated into guilt, self-punishment, self-hatred.
Where did I miss out on the lesson of recognising this emotion in myself? Actually, I think it is not so much that I missed this lesson but that I learnt other lessons too well. It's rather like the way we were taught that Pluto is a planet. Even though cosmologists now tell us it is not, some of us still rattle off "My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas" when asked the names of the planets. If the pizzas are not there any more, what do we put in its place? How do we make a new statement of our understanding? If I am to learn that suppressing and denying my anger is not the best way to proceed, what do I put in place of this previous understanding? Indeed, how do I make sense of a new "universe" where the previous rules ("anger is dangerous") are apparently wrong?
Thursday, 10 January 2008
Anger
I'm working on this with D.
I'm finding it hard. Very hard. Very unsettling.
I don't want to think about it any more. I don't want to look at anger any more. I have never wanted to see it - in myself or in others, and I find expressing it (except against myself) really difficult. It's much easier to agree it must all be my fault.
I'm finding it hard. Very hard. Very unsettling.
I don't want to think about it any more. I don't want to look at anger any more. I have never wanted to see it - in myself or in others, and I find expressing it (except against myself) really difficult. It's much easier to agree it must all be my fault.
Sunday, 2 December 2007
Anger part 2
Despite all the wise words of my last post, tonight I feel very unable to cope with the emotions I am feeling again. I don't want all this - the complaint taking so long, D leaving, being in a spiral, feeling overwhelmed, feeling worse than overwhelmed. I'm trying to control it, working on the breathing, but I want to be little and not to have to take decisions or responsiblity. And I want not to be here.
I can't remember how much I have said about my dissociation, but Alice, Elsie and Shula all feel more real than I do tonight.
I can't remember how much I have said about my dissociation, but Alice, Elsie and Shula all feel more real than I do tonight.
Anger
Looking again at how unable I am to even recognise anger in myself, let alone express it externally. When a situation comes along which leads to (or could lead to) me feeling angry, I seem to instantly turn it on myself. Yesterday I got a book from the library called "the Anger Management Sourcebook". I'm hoping that working through some of the activities in it will help me (a) to recognise anger in myself (I'm pretty adept at recognising it in others) and (b) find a way to express it more healthily than the self harm which has been a very prevalent and damaging (in more ways than just the physical) experience recently.
So, one of the first exercises was to:
List all the advantages of anger, then list all the disadvantages. Before you start, try to visualise the short and long-term effects of anger on yourself. Then imagine the consequences of your anger to others. Imagine their feelings when exposed to your anger.
Advantages of anger:
Letting it out appropriately would be healthier than holding it in or turning it on myself
Anger expressed properly can change situations
Disadvantages of anger:
People will be upset by my anger
When I am angry I hurt myself or others
Anger means rejection
Feel out of control
Feel inadequate
Advantages of anger:
Letting it out appropriately would be healthier than holding it in or turning it on myself
Anger expressed properly can change situations
Disadvantages of anger:
People will be upset by my anger
When I am angry I hurt myself or others
Anger means rejection
Feel out of control
Feel inadequate
What was revealing for me, especially when I compared my answers to those in the book, was that anger is overwhelmingly associated with disadvantages for me. I can see some of where that comes from. In a way I think the book is aimed at a different set of situations - it seems to be working on helping people to control their anger, whereas I think I need to learn to let mine go healthily.
The second activity was to identify possible hooks from a list - what do I get most angry about? This was very hard for me, but I looked at it more as what triggers can make me turn anger on myself. These were the ones I came up with:
Being abandoned
Being lied to or misled
Being wronged; unfairness
Being wrongly blamed
Being lied to or misled
Being wronged; unfairness
Being wrongly blamed
Broken promises
Change, uncertainty
Cherished belief being challenged or disparaged
Delays, being late, running late
Feeling anxious, depressed or guilty
Getting lost
Getting the silent treatment
Humiliation, embarrassment, others know my weaknesses, made to look foolish
Imposition
Incompetence – mine or others
Change, uncertainty
Cherished belief being challenged or disparaged
Delays, being late, running late
Feeling anxious, depressed or guilty
Getting lost
Getting the silent treatment
Humiliation, embarrassment, others know my weaknesses, made to look foolish
Imposition
Incompetence – mine or others
Letting myself down
Losing control
Losing something
Loss of love
Loud noise, noisy people, other distractions
Memories
Overload, pressure
Overwhelmed, over my head, out of control, powerlessness
People don’t tell me what they are upset about
Performing below my capacity or expectations
Rejection
Spouse walks away when I try to talk to him
Wasting time at meetings
Losing control
Losing something
Loss of love
Loud noise, noisy people, other distractions
Memories
Overload, pressure
Overwhelmed, over my head, out of control, powerlessness
People don’t tell me what they are upset about
Performing below my capacity or expectations
Rejection
Spouse walks away when I try to talk to him
Wasting time at meetings
What did I learn from that? The main thing I am taking away at the moment is how many of those triggers have happened recently for me - which helps me to make sense of the huge anxiety I am feeling.
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