Fighting the self harm urges tonight. OK, honesty here - have given in. Trying to understand why. I think the overload currently is just too much and the self harm provides a way ofmaking things more manageable. I don't seem able to control how I am feeling, but I can control (to some extent) my self harm.
Have phoned the CRHT and they have encouraged me to take some valium. That's a way of numbing some of the feelings. Alcohol is providing a similar tool. I know, I know, it's not wise - but I don't relaly care at the moment - I jsut want all the feelings to stop. I want to sleep all the time. I want to avoid all the thoughts and feelings. I've only been able to tell two people about the thing that is troubling me most at the moment, and I can't talk in detail to either of them, especially not at the moment. I feel too ashamed and raw about it; and talking about it makes it real and I don't want it to be real. I don't want to be thinking / remembering these things.
And I feel pathetic that I am here again. even if only temporarily. Why am I posting this? I have no idea. Only that something tells me it is better to post it than to have it festering inside. Perhaps if I get it out of me it will have less power over me. everything I have read tells me that talking about it is the first step - but I still see it as a sign of my guilt, my failure, my wrongness, so I am scared to talk about it.