Saturday, 23 February 2008

Wanting to swear and curse but only managing to beat myself up.

Fighting the self harm urges tonight. OK, honesty here - have given in. Trying to understand why. I think the overload currently is just too much and the self harm provides a way ofmaking things more manageable. I don't seem able to control how I am feeling, but I can control (to some extent) my self harm.

Have phoned the CRHT and they have encouraged me to take some valium. That's a way of numbing some of the feelings. Alcohol is providing a similar tool. I know, I know, it's not wise - but I don't relaly care at the moment - I jsut want all the feelings to stop. I want to sleep all the time. I want to avoid all the thoughts and feelings. I've only been able to tell two people about the thing that is troubling me most at the moment, and I can't talk in detail to either of them, especially not at the moment. I feel too ashamed and raw about it; and talking about it makes it real and I don't want it to be real. I don't want to be thinking / remembering these things.

And I feel pathetic that I am here again. even if only temporarily. Why am I posting this? I have no idea. Only that something tells me it is better to post it than to have it festering inside. Perhaps if I get it out of me it will have less power over me. everything I have read tells me that talking about it is the first step - but I still see it as a sign of my guilt, my failure, my wrongness, so I am scared to talk about it.

7 comments:

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi D

Sorry that you are feeling so bad.

You asked why you are writing what you are writing. I don't really know but will share why I write. Because it gets it out. Even if nobody reads...the important thing is getting stuff out. People do it in different ways and that is fair enough. We are all individuals and should get things out in our way. But getting it out is like a release valve. It might not seem like it or it may only get it out for a while before it all wells up but so what...better than letting it all fester and churn and mutate into something bigger or harder to identify.

This may be utter rot I am writing herebut it is the reason I write what I write on my blog. And also in your space, which this is. You can write what you want and when you want.

As for things that have happened to you, they are nobodies automatic right to know and how much of any of it you let out is your business. I had a traumatic experience as a child and it is only recently I have been able to share that. Even then I sort of went back into the shell or put the memory back in it's box, straight after. Maybe not healthy but that is the only way I have really been ablet to deal with it...and I certainly would not share it on my blog.
But if people do let out highly personal/painfull stuff, they have the right to do that too. Is really up to individuals and how safe they feel when they express themselves or not as the case maybe.

I am rambling now but am only an e:mail away. You can write as little or as much as you want and if you don't wanna write anything that is fine. I just want you to feel as safe and protected as you can at this time.

Sending a hug...a non intrusive one

:>)

Caroline said...

hug from here
xC

Kathryn said...

email me if you want, sweetie...and I'll pray as I head for bed too.
I'm sorry it's heavy for you tonight

Disillusioned said...

Thanks.

As my grandma used to say when we were physically sick - "better out than in".

Hmm....

Have done another more detailed post which is hidden - Mandy, you are right that it helps.

thanks for the hugs, M and C - that helps too, more than you possibly know.

And the chemical numbing helps too.

Hoping for an ability to bury the past tomorrow.

Disillusioned said...

thank you Kathryn. Have emailed.

MMP said...

Sad times. I am so sorry.

Stuff ....just is....and sometimes it all goes toxic.

I guess
as we learn to accept ourselves,
it get easier

Disillusioned said...

Thanks, MMP.
That's what I'm battling with - because, yet again, I have turned this into my fault.
And it isn't, whatever way you look at it, is it?

If what I experienced was a memory based flashback, then it clearly wasn't my fault.
If it wasn't a flashback at all, then as I didn't seek it out, didn't (don't!) want it, it can't be my fault either, can it?

So getting over that hurdle, convincing myself I'm not to blame, is the thing to do. Wondering why or how isn't going to get me anywhere. Accepting myself just might.

Might take a while though...

Thanks.