Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Saying No

So, I'm working on anger at the moment. I got hold of a book which I am finding very helpful. It's called "Managing Anger" and is by Gael Lindenfield. Recently I've been looking at the chapter called "Deal with the Backlog of Unresolved Anger." I suspect it is quite pertinent.There were some statements about recognising past hurt which rang true:
"You may well have forgotten the pain, simply because you had to, in order to cope with the pain or even to survive."Well, in terms of my recent recollections, that rings true.
"You may not be giving yourself the "right" to feel wounded by hurtful experiences."That is also a very strong one for me. Something I have consistently found it difficult to do is to recognise the culture of abuse in my childhood.

There followed a list of "Uncovering Childhood Wounds", most of which I ticked Yes to. The book suggests "doing more exploratory work on your childhood." It asks me to look at a list (in the book) of assertive anger rights and recognise when those rights were abused, including the "small insignificant ones".
The first of these is
I have the right to feel angry when I am frustrated.
When this was I asked for support when S was off work sick and was told I could not have it.
My words and actions were twisted.
People made promises and didn't keep them.

When I didn't know what to do as a child to keep Mum happy.
When I got shouted at when I was trying to help.
When I wasn't allowed to say no. There's a lot around saying no. I couldn't say no to the abuse. I couldn't say no to Mum when she complained to me about Dad. I couldn't say no to Mum and Dad's expectations that I would be the model student and achieve the highest grades so I felt I was a disappointment to them. I couldn't say no to Mum and Dad when they wanted me to take responsibility for my brother and his behaviour and moods.

Now I need to go and do something with this anger.


MMP said...

The "stored up" anger thing is something I've had to deal with twice.

Once, glorious people took up the slack and I cycled in hills, shouted at the kestrals and generally behaved in whatever manner I so wished to- for a week.....going home each night after cardio vascular work outs such that should be prescribed on the NHS!

The second tinme was the milk bottle episode....

It's tough to work out how to react., You have my utter admiration as you negotiate those 'times and places' neccesary for you in this journey...

Disillusioned said...

Thanks MMP.

I once got close to dealing with all this anger. Scared me so much I slammed the door on it and ran away. I so want to do the same now but know I can't.

I have a fortnightly slot with D where I hope I can start to let some of it out and find it is not the road to self-destruction that I fear.

I'm scared of my anger. Or at least, I'm scared I can't control it. It all ties in with feeling inadequate and liable to fail.