Evita

We went (the girls and I) to see this last night - and it was fab! Such a dramatic show. Really enjoyed it.

Chill out day

Am having a chill out day today, and enjoying it muchly. Younger daughter had a friend staying over last night; it's lovely to see her happy and secure in the friendship. they went swimming this morning while elder daughter and I dashed into town. This afternoon I have done a (very little) housework, played a computer game, and listened to the new Chris While and Julie Matthews CD, "Together Alone". Very much enjoying it, and doubly looking forward to their upcoming gig near us.
Tomorrow will be a working day; I have lessons to plan and marking to do. I need to limit it and settle for good enough - not always easy for me! I'd also love to do some more work on the learning platform, but that may not happen. I do want to set up some more resources for my next Maths topic.

I slept really well last night - without sleeping tablets, which is a big positive. I've added in the Escitalopram to my medication mix this week, having recognised that racing thoughts were becoming a problem again. It seems to have had the desired effect. I will (of course!) discuss it when I see my wonderful GP on Thursday, but am confident she won't have any objections.

OK, back to some housework. W has his first gig (as partof a duo) tonight in a local pub, so he is out rehearsing at the moment. It's a last minute stand in - they were only booked yesterday, due to the engaged act dropping out. He's very nervous.

Better

Good day today. Lots of positive feedback from the consultancy work I am doing. Then this evening we went to E's presentation evening at her school, where she was given two "Outstanding Achievement" awards - one for Maths and one for Psychology. Lots of very positive comments from staff there about both her and H. All good stuff.
Still a bit "wobbly around the edges" - think the lack of daylight is starting to have an impact. I need to take time to go outside at lunch times again.

Weekend

It's been busy, but lots of little achievements.
Went into town with the girls on Saturday. We shopped at Lidl, which was useful (and cheaper than a lot of places!). We picked up various things we had run out of at other shops too - and a couple of books for the girls as well.
Dyed my hair at home yesterday. It's now a lot darker than it was. I also no longer have grey roots... Wondering how many comments (and what type!) I will get tomorrow.
Did quite a bit of housework too. I really want to stay on top of that. So I cleaned the kitchen floor, cleaned the bathrooms - the kind of things most people do daily, I suspect. Also sorted the laundry, did loads of washing.
Today has been mostly devoted to working - preparing lessons, and doing technical things to enable the students to use our learning platform. They are all uploaded now (the source of some conflict and stress last week) and I have the first lesson planned (which takes care of this week) in great detail. I'm sure they are going to be really enthusiastic about this, and I am really looking forward to seeing in which directions they go.
Lesson planning is done -mostly. I am earmarking a lesson this week to preparing the rest of my Maths lessons. It's really hard to plan these at home without the resources. Last year I tried to do my lesson planning during a non contact lesson I had on Fridays. This year I don't have any non-contacts on Fridays, and I am not in school on Thursdays (it's my consultancy day). Wednesday feels a bit early to plan lessons, but I think I may have to do just that, as far as I can. Otherwise I am going to need to bring lots of resources home. It's a real pain that the curriculum has changed for our Y7 pupils this year (thank you SO much for that, National Curriculum Authority). It means so much replanning in many of the subjects I teach, particularly Maths - which is the subject I find most difficult to plan in any case.
I've also managed to do some genealogy. That has been good.
Am now debating with myself - shall I go to bed and read some more of the new Jodie Picoult book I bought yesterday, or play some computer games. Hmmm.

Shopping and treating

Went in to town today with the girls, to get the last of the pre-school shopping done (mostly for H) and for all of us to go to the hairdresser's. I saw a new stylist today - largely because of the practicalities of fitting all three of us in at once. She's the owner of the salon and it was a good experience. Not just because of the standard of her haircutting, but also because she was easy to talk to. It made it an enjoyable experience.

The rest of the day has been a bit stressful to be honest, and again I have a headache. I really could do with a good, solid night's sleep and am debating increasing the trazodone to see if that will help.

GCSE results

To add to her A level Psychology last week, and her A* in Statistics GCSE last year, E today picked up her main GCSE results - 4 A grades and 6 A* grades.

A happy family!

Thursday

I've been busy all day, but feel I haven't achieved as much as I wanted to.

Went to pick up E, and to get her A level result. She got a B in her Psychology - which I think is amazing, given that she has taken it 2 years early. She is a bit disappointed - really wanted an A. I think the disappointment is more that she felt she didn't perform as well in her final paper as she would have liked to. We're proud of her though, and reinforcing to her that she has achieved amazingly well. GCSE results are next week.

Came home and tried to sort out her computer - ropy internet connection. Checked the details and found she was only on 256K RAM. Took her (and H) out to buy some more RAM and a new wireless transmitter and came back with a new laptop for her. She has paid half the cost (from her savings) and it should see her through UNi. The rest of the day has been taken up with setting it up really.

About to have tea, then hoping to cut out the fabric for these bags. Then (I hope) some game playing this evening,w ith my new update for Sims". I love that game!

Weekend

Went to a festival in towy yesterday. It was good to get out as a family. While out we made plans for a family trip to Paris in the autumn - just for a weekend probably.
The festival was very busy and I found the crowds difficult to cope with at times. We went on in to town and I got an addition to my latest computer game. It was a lot of walking though, and my back is really playing up today. I decided not to go to the gym today - partly because of my back but also because the car park by the gym was completely full yesterday with festival visitors, so I knew my chances of finding osmewhere to park were very remote.

Have phoned a helpline tonight. It was useful; the person I spoke to was very kind and had some good ideas. Unfortunately my phone died mid way through the conversation - and I can't get through again. (It took me half an hour to get through in the first place). Still finding all this stuff really hard and have no idea what to do.

Two teaching days left. It's very loosely planned.

Mission accomplished!

Took the girls into town and had a very successful trip. Got H her dress for her "valedictory ball"(!) plus some new sandals to match. Also topped up her phone for her. E ended up with some new jeans, a bag and necklace for her Prom, and a new phone. The phone is because I was entitled to an upgrade on mine but do not really want a new phone at the moment, whereas E really does need one, hers being three years old and a bit of a brick. I found a new dress for work for myself. I managed to book a hairdresser appointment for E on the day of her prom, and one for me in a couple of weeks - I really need a haircut! We also put in a trip to the library and had lunch out - oh, and got some materials for the end of year exhibition which H is participating in at the end of the term. Hopefully it will all work out well. I do feel a sense of relief at the achievement. Now I just need to buy a present for a friend's birthday - she has told me what she would like and I believe I can order them online, so that is what I plan to do today or tomorrow.

Have just watered the garden and fed the fish; am now going to chill out with some genealogy.

A bit of a wobble

Had a bit of a wobble over the last couple of days. Nothing major, and I have done my best to tackle it by looking at the causes and taking the action I could. But for a couple of days I have felt quite low, a return of the grey cloud.

There's a huge amount going on at work, just from the end of term approaching fast (yippee!) That means reports, trips out, trying to catch up on marking and assessments and all that stuff. Add to that the fact that I am determined to have the learning platform ready for pupils to use. That adds a lot to my work; there are four of us who are administrators but only two of us actually seem to be doing anything, and the other one is completely snowed under with other responsiblities at the moment. So a lot is down to me and I am trying to push things through (like getting pupil users added before September).
Then there is the fact that I have been asked whether I would be prepared to take a secondment for one day a week next year, working to support other schools, and to apply for this post. I'd love it; my head has agreed I can, and I now need to go through the process.
A side issue to this is how my timetable will change to accommodate it; the deputy head has discussed one solution with me which I am really not happy with, so am hoping he can come up with a change (I suggested a couple). His suggestion would involve me dropping the subject I am most qualified in, enjoy the most and have created tons of resources for this year.
H is changing schools this year and E moving in to 6th form - that brings its own challenges. Socially both girls have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks too, which brings added pressures.
I have physical issues going on at the moment. Saw the GP (not able to see either of my usual ones) yesterday and she was good, but it was very difficult to talk about. Hopefully she has given me something to knock it on the head.
Still waiting for a response from the Healthcare Commission.
I'm being kept very well informed by BLPT about the investigation into the poor state of my clinical records; those have been looked at by the Chief Operating Officer who has sent them back to the CMHT to be sorted out properly. However, that too is still in hand.
And, of course, the computer stuff hasn't helped. It took me the whole afternoon to find and copy our emails from the old hard drive and put them onto our new machine. Because we are using Vista the transfer was more complicated (of course!) and I couldn't just export the messages (tried to but it didn't work). So in the end I had to copy them all onto an external drive, folder by folder, and then drag them into our new Windows Mail set ups. Finding them was a nightmare; transferring them even worse! Thank goodness that is now done. The good news is that the hard drives seem fine, though I couldn't boot up Windows on E's machine from the old drive. That may be down to the different motherboard and CPU set up, though. I suspect the CPU/ motherboard on the old machine has died. Not sure whether we will try to rebuild it though.

So that is a summary of where things are for me at the moment. Courtesy of sleeping tablets I had my first decent night's sleep in a long while last night and that has made me feel better. Today I am going in to town with the girls; H needs a dress for her end of term dance and E still needs to get a necklace and bag for her prom. My treat is a trip to the library, though I may look at getting myself another summer dress too.

Kubler-Ross stages of grief

(from Wikipedia, of course)
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Currently thinking about this with reference to my childhood. Had a positive but hard session with D today. Lots touched on and discussed, including the spectres I only glimpse faintly at the moment. We talked about whether I want to look more closely at these spectres, and if so how I would do that.

The denial I remember going through in great detail, and for a long time, with my psychologist. I think I got to the point of accepting that what happened wasn't ideal, could have been better. Anger is one I struggle with a lot. Just recognising it is difficult, but I can see how I have turned that anger on myself over the years, which led to (and reflected) my depression. Not sure about the bargaining - mainly because I know there is more I have not faced yet, so bargaining is impossible; I have to be honest with myself and accept things before I can move to that. At the moment I am at grief - shown strongly today. I need to get through that, experience it, and experience the anger turned outward (as I briefly did today). To do that I have to believe it is safe to allow myself to feel and express the anger. I came a step closer to that today, but it was frightening and painful.

Family and home updates

Am feeling completely shattered tonight, though I am not sure why. Probably down to having had last week off and needing to readjust. Marking till 10pm last night probably didn't help much either!

H was given details of her new class today, for when she transfers schools in September. mercifully, she is really happy with the people she is with. E tells us H's new form tutor is "lovely" - E has had her for Music this year. So H is feeling that things are going her way. Great relief all round. This weekend she is on an outdoor activities trip with school.
The end of E's GCSEs is in sight. She has coped really well with them. Today she got another 3 out of the way - two Chemistry and her final English paper - and thinks they went well - which is unusual for her in that she generally thinks she has done really badly (and proves to have done really well when the results appear!) She has another shopping trip to MK planned for this weekend, so lots of taxi duties ahead for us.
W is getting through his exam marking. No news on further gigs yet, but watch this space.

So all is going smoothly in our household. I've had a bit of a gap between therapy sessions but spoke to C today which was helpful, and am seeing D on Monday. I feel I have made a lot of progress recently and am looking forward to discussing this and finding ways to build on it. Certainly the issue of endings seems much less frightening at the moment - even manageable. Which has to be good!

More shopping!

This time with H. We managed to get her some clothes ready for her outdoor activities course next weekend, plus new trainers, a couple of tops and a book. I got myself some red spotty shoes (!) from Primark. Also took in a trip to the library where I found some books with photos / pictures of flowers, ready for some more fabric postcards. So, all in all, a good trip. Of course, I am now totally shopped out - two days on the run!
Now I'm off to write more reports.

Shopping!

Just back from a mega shopping trip with E. We have the prom dress.

Phew!

It looks gorgeous - E is pleased and happy with it, which is great (and the most important thing). Still have shoes and bag etc to get, but those are relatively minor details.

We also got some books (of course! - if you know us!) I found the new Jodi Picoult and bought it - rather an extravagence as it is only available in hardback, but it was reduced by £6, which is my excuse.

And, at last, we went to Build a Bear and both got bears! This is mine:

It was a fun thing to do. When H and I get to MK I will make one with her too. She had said she didn't want one, but seeing ours has changed her mind.

Now home, both shattered! But mission accomplished - for two people who really aren't that keen on clothes shopping, today was quite an achievement!

A mixed up day!

I thought, this morning, that I had a good handle on what was happening today. Well, I did - but as the day went on everything seemed subject to change, including the weather! The day began bright and sunny - it's now wet and gloomy.

I had to take my elder daughter to her friend's house (15 miles away) for a shopping trip to MK. Then I originally had a gym class planned, but changed that plan in the morning when my husband told me he had a meeting - leaving H on her own for 2 hours plus felt a bit unfair, even though I knew she would be fine. However, when I returned home with H (after buying her a new rug for her room, to celebrate its new tidy state and to cover the stain on the carpet!), W was home - the meeting was postponed till the afternoon. So off I went to the gym.

In the afternoon I had an appointment with D, my therapist. Except that I had a phone call to say it had to be postponed as D had gone home ill. Actually, what was really positive about this was that I didn't go into a flat spin and feel scared and abandoned. That was a big step forward for me, especially as we were due to look at some stuff on endings. Hope D is better soon though.

W is playing his first "gig" tonight (he and a mate, W has written ths songs, both are singing and playing guitar, folk / blues type stuff). His brother arrived unexpectedly early, with two of his children. H was very pleased to see the cousin nearest in age to herself. W arrived home soon afterwards, and then I had to do the return trip to collect E from her shopping trip. However, a phone call while I ws en route informed me that she would be late. She was - half an hour late. Which made tea a bit of a rush. However, W, his brother and oldest nephew have now left to set up the gig; I will follow on in about an hour with the three girls. Hopefully all will go smoothly.

I managed to get a few reports written. Tomorrow is set aside for E and I to take a shopping trip to find her prom dress. If there is time after that I must make a more determined onslaught on the reports - and the marking - and the planning! Saturday I need to take a trip into town with H to buy her some new clothes for her residential school trip in a couple of weeks - adn more reports. Somewhere in that I want to find time to enjoy my latest Amazon purchases - a book about making fabric postcards, and the DVD of the Osmonds 50th anniversary concert!

It's been a day of changes. I don't "do" changes well - but I am quite pleased that I have coped OK with the changes today.

Holiday!

It's half term. Thank goodness! Although, as a colleague commented today, this half term has shot by, partly because so much has been crammed into it. We've had the dreaded SATs for our Y6 pupils, plus assessments for all other pupils. There have been sports fixtures aplenty, a "Fun Run" (misnomer!), visitors galore and lesson observations. We've taken pupils on trips to local places and had theatre groups in to perform to them. Transfer arrangements (both to and from us) are in hand. Reports are underway (I even managed to start writing mine today!) It's been busy!

Half term - for me at least - looks much the same way, The girls have social commitments throughout the week. I am taking a group of pupils to The Globe, to see A Midsummer Night's Dream, on Tuesday. I have appointments, and I need to arrange for the car to have a new exhaust fitted. Plus have just had a recall letter telling me that there is a danger the car might spontaneously ignite so it needs servicing as a matter of priority. Since I doubt a courtesy car will be provided, I need to factor that in. And there is the major shopping expedition to buy a prom dress for E. In between all that i want to do some relaxation and recuperation and I ahve to do some planning, marking and report writing - ugh!

Ho hum - all carries on as chaotically as ever, then!

Genealogy

Trawling around Ancestry.com tonight, I caught myself wondering why this hobby has such a fascination for me. Not only have I traced numerous of my own (and my husband's) family lines, I have also, over the years, "collected" incidences of my maiden (and relatively uncommon) name.

It's not really, for me, about finding some meaning in my own ancestry. At least, I don't think it is. Given my family history, I'm not really too interested in the members of my mother's line (who all seem to have been quite happy to forget all about her when her own parents disowned her after her marriage to my father and rapid pregnancy with me).

My Grandma's line - well, I can see how there could be some emotional wish to link in with that, given that Grandma was such a strong, positive influence for me. But with the surname Smith and frequent geographical movement (from Gloucestershire via London to Kent in two generations) it doesn't hold out great promise, if truth be faced.

Tracing back the line of my own maiden name (I won't post it here - it's far too identifiable!) has been interesting as an exercise, but really hasn't revealed much of note. They all seem to have been that stalwart of Victorian employment, Agricultural Labourers; have never moved very far (which has the benefit of making the easy to trace), had huge families and recurrent naming patterns. All sadly predictable. As they were Ag Labs it is harder to find and trace details to make the individuals real, although finding the Army Attestation Papers for two Great great uncles (complete with physical descriptions, details of services and wounds incurred in the Boer Campaign, and their signatures) was strangely emotional. My grandpa's generation yielded some social history from the school log books. This ranged from the salutory example of his eldest sister winning scholarships and academic prizes through to revealing details of various of the younger siblings (there were 11 surviving of a total of 13) being repeatedly "sent home" due to infestations of ringworm and head lice.

However, much of the appeal for me is in the detective work. I early on decided that the easiest way to trace my own maiden line was simply (ha!) to collect all instances of it. This led to what is known in genealogy circles as a "One Name Study". I now have a database of about 7000 names, dating from 1300 to 1920, all sharing the same surname or variants (oh, the variants - I must be up to a hundred or so by now!) of it. I know I have not found all of the English individuals yet, obviously, but I am aided by the very limited amount of travel undertaken by this family. Are they all related? Possibly; there is a very strong geographical link to a specific area of Kent, where there are 5 places within 10 miles or so which bear the same name. Will I ever find the link? Almost certainly not! But it is an enjoyable jigsaw puzzle.

The first step is putting together the family lines (made possible through the census entries and earlier the parish registers). Then come the leaps in understanding of realising that THIS Theophilus must surely be the same individual as THIS Theophilus, and that surely between two sisters of one generation names Jemima and Kezia and the matching sisters of a previous generation, who all come from the same town, there must surely be a link - and where is that link?

It's all a cerebral, fascinating exercise. it takes me on trips to different parts of the country to look at parish registers and other records. It enables me to make contact with others, exchanging information with them and sometimes finding strange coincidences. And, of course, there are the occasional bizarre, spectacular distant relatives - such as the mother who murdered two of her daughters (aged 4 and 2) by drowning them in the bath, before setting fire to the house. Or the equally sad occurrence of the man who is described in the parish register as having, "Miserably cutt his one throt & is buried in the waste ground". There's a boy who fell down a well at the age of 6 (and survived). There's a man fined (several times) for insulting the mayor of his town. I don't make claim to each of these historical figures!

Then there are the individuals, lives only hinted at in the census records and parish registers. There's a sweetmaker, a hairdresser (male), plasterer, "clicker" (what did he do?) and a bell hanger. Individuals emigrated to Jersey, Australia, USA, Canada, Hong Kong and Bermuda. As for the names - there are rich pickings to be had. Choose from Demetrius (brother of the aforementioned Theophilus), Ebeneezer (from the same town as the above mentioned brothers) Percival, Ephraim, Fabianus, Gustavus, Hezekiah, Jabez, Marsh, Obadiah, Osmer, Seamer, Ticknor and Vowe. Among the ladies I find Elvina, Exechia, Hephzibah, Jubilee, Kezia, Philadelphia, Theodosia and Laetitia and Serena (twins).

I suppose I am left with the knowledge that, as "pointless" hobbies go (for there is no real benefit in terms of contributing to a better world) this is at least an interesting one. Interesting to me, at any rate. It highlights similarities and differences, hints at other lives and other stories, and gives me plenty to ponder on and puzzle over.

More notes

At the meeting last week I received the copy of my psychotherapy notes that I had asked for. Since then I have been rereading them. I wish I had asked for them a long time ago - they are so helpful and so useful to me, showing me the journey I have made and how far I have come. I don't know that they would have been appropriate while I was going through the therapy, but certainly after completion they have really helped and given me a boost.

Having said that, I did have a dip yesterday evening and felt very low. It's always so scary when that happens - visions of decending into the abyss flash up so quickly. I have to remind myself (as C and I discussed last week) that these dips are becoming shorter and that I am putting into place the activities needed to ensure they don't overwhelm me. It appears, in this case, to have been a simple tiredness reaction - I didn't wake until 10am this morning, which is very unusual for me. Feeling much more positive this morning. Thinking back over the last week, I haven't yet readjusted my bedtime to reflect the fact that it was a working week not a holiday week - I must make sure I do that next week.

Plans for this weekend include some serious housework this afternoon. W is taking E for a party / sleepover this afternoon, then going to see if he can get her cello bow repaired (hope so, as she has an important exam on Wednesday!) Tomorrow will involve (lots of) marking and the week's planning; I have enjoyed my first week's work on The Tempest and am quite looking forward to planning the next week.

Good things

Had a very positive meeting yesterday. Identified many issues in my clinical notes (the ones from the previous CMHT, not the current one) in terms of inaccuracies, missing items, inappropriate comments etc. Have not asked for anything to be removed, but have asked for notes to be attached to a number of items to say I disagree with the content. That is, I believe, my right. When I feel able to do so, will formulate the specific comments for the specific items. It was a good meeting though - professional, courteous, respectful.

Had another positive meeting with my CC tonight as well. Good progress to report, which made a nice change. I am so enjoying the increased light / sunshine. Am getting out of school at lunch times for a 20 minute walk and am sure that is doing me good too. Planning strategies to avoid future winter dips must be remembered closer to the time. We discussed that too.

Teaching went well - thoroughly enjoyed a Year 8 English lesson lookng at characters in The Tempest. Had pupils making collages to represent these characters - identifying personalities who had similar characteristics as well as images and words which connected with them. There were some really high quality discussions going on, and some great work produced - and lots of enjoyment too!

Finally, have just read some writing by my 13 yr old daughter. That was great - she has such a talent with words. Made me smile.

Book crossing

H and I dropped off several books in Bedford (for the purpose of others finding them) yesterday. Today we found out one of them had been "captured". It was found by an Italian exchaqnge student and her host, and will be on its way to Italy on Monday. H was thrilled - I'm pleased too. Will continue to release books for others to enjoy; am toying with the idea of seeing if a Book Crossing Zone can be set up in school.