Memories

I went to a concert last night - the music from Larkrise to Candleford. (Not the TV series, but the stage show from many years ago, featuring The Albion Band). It was fantastic - great music, banter, such fun. At one point the band started playing and I instantly recognised the tune. However, I knew that the reason I recognised it was not that it was part of the show, or that it was on the CD (it isn't!) I puzzled until the chorus came and I recognised it as a playground song: "In and Out the Windows." With that recognition came a flood of memories - positive ones of playing in the playground. Lots of songs, rhymes and games. So here, perhaps to awaken similar positive memories for others, are some of the things I remember singing:

The big ship sails on the Ally, Ally Oh. We joined hands for this and then the leader led the line through each of the pairs of arms in turn, ending with us all twisted round.

In and out the dusky bluebells. This was a circle game, where one person chose another by tapping on their shoulders, then the increasing line went between the other children in the circle.

The Farmer's in the den. Of course. No description needed.

Bubble Car, Bubble Car.. A skipping game. Alone with Cinderella dressed in yeller went to the ball to kiss a feller. How many kisses did she get.... And When is your birthday? Please jump in.

What's the Time Mr Wolf? Another I guess most of us (or those of us of "a certain age") remember.

Does anyone else remember playing "7s" and "Two balls" with tennis balls up against any convenient wall?

Or French elastic?

Or clapping games? Sadly the rhymes for many of those have deserted me. Good things to remember.

Creative space

We've finished our current room reorganising here. The dining room has now become the music room, while the spare bedroom is now my sewing room. I've dragged boxes from the loft, gone through all my fabric and organised it, and am now inspired. I've sorted out all my partially completed projects, and have begun completing one of them. I've also found some fabric for the border for the quilt top I was working on just before Christmas, so I can tackle the next stage of that as well. It's wonderful to have the space to set things out and leave them out, as well as space to work freely. It's also good to feel like being creative again - I haven't for a while. I've restarted a crazy patchwork piece, which I hope will make a pretty stunning quilt eventually. I bought, some time back, a collection of curtain and upholtery scraps, many of which turned out to be in whites and creams. I played with some of these in crazy patchwork fashion, and used the embroidery stitches on my machine to sew over the seams with metallic gold thread. The result looked good, but I didn't go any further with it, till yesterday. I spent a couple of hours playing with pieces, putting them together and ending up with something I am quite pleased with. I can do about half a dozen blocks at the same time - that way I end up with a cohesive theme. I think I will join them together with sashing when I get enough blocks. In the meantime they make a fun project. When I get tired with that I can pick up another of my incomplete projects.

I think I might make a couple of fabric postcards with the scraps of this project as well. Hmmm!

Good day

Another helpful session with J this morning - we didn't use the Lifespan Integration technique this time, just did lots of other stuff.

Then on for a consultancy meeting, where I was asked to show how I am using the learning platform. Very positive.

On for lunch with L - lovely to talk with her. She is trying to encourage me to be more assertive - not an easy thing (for her or for me!) Good to discuss though, and to recognise how I have moved on.

Back home for a spell of work, then I was able to pick the girls up from school.

I should be going to yoga tonight but am about to cry off. I am so tired that I recognise it would take very little to tip me over the edge. I think discretion is the better part of valour; I will take the time to write Christmas card and maybe even do some sewing as well. I'd like to make some Christmas postcards for J and L at least.

I sent many cards as e-cards this year, using Jacqui Lawson's wonderful site. Ecologically much more friendly, and particularly good for colleagues at work, I feel.

Trying to buy (rather last minute!) some last minute presents online. well, it's last minute in my mind. Struggling for ideas - something garden-ish or a plant needed for an aunt and uncle. Hmm - time to browse!

Light in winter

Things are definitely getting brighter. Which is just as well really!

A standardly manic day at work - teaching, marking, planning, teaching, solving ICT problems... All the normal stuff. Lots of little things which lightened the day. Such as the fact that every child in my English class handed in their homework on time. Having four different people say to me that I had lost weight / was looking very slim. Having some of the ICT in English tools I have introduced to staff and pupils praised at a staff meeting. All good.

It's December 1st so time to allow Christmas carols! (I, only half-jokingly, "ban" them until December starts in our house). Today I put our St Agnes Fountain CDs in the car and thoroughly enjoyed listening to them on my travels.

This evening I am once again shattered, and the black mood threatens to descend. However, I'm grateful to have had some pockets of light today, and hope for more tomorrow.

Counselling session

Taking gentle steps... J is so gentle - we get where we need to be, but she helps me to feel as safe as I can given where I am right now.

Yesterday we looked at needing others ... and at allowing ourselves to feel strong and that being OK and right ... and at a new technique she wants to try in our next session ... and did some guided imagery. All challenging things for me, but I felt OK about them.

Some great pieces of writing to take away with me - some I may post here.

CMHT support? Why even bother wondering? Nothing, of course. Why should there be? I don't deserve it. Clearly. The only question is whether I attend my appointment with the psychiatrist next week to tell him I am discharging myself or whether I just phone and cancel. For a long time I have felt as if I have to ask to be discharged - slowly I am starting to recognise that I can just do it. I'd like BLPT to understand why I am doing so, but they never will, or at least, will never accept my experience of events, so why bother?

Shades of grey

I feel a slight shift today from black to grey.
It's welcome.

Evita

We went (the girls and I) to see this last night - and it was fab! Such a dramatic show. Really enjoyed it.

Another good one

In fact, I had the best night's sleep last night that I have had in ages. That helped!

Three teaching lessons, two non teaching today. All the lessons went well - I enjoyed them and the pupils seemed to as well. I even managed to sit down (very briefly!) at one point. Technology was more of my friend today than yesterday - though I seemed to spend quite a lot of time sorting out other people's technical issues! (Funny - I thought that was what the technicians were supposed to do....)

More positive feedback from colleagues - particularly about the ICT lessons I have prepared. They were very appreciative that everything is provided for them in terms of lesson plans and resources.

The one fly in the ointment is semi-technical; I am involved in a project in school (and, in a consultancy role, across the county) which needs pupils to be entered onto a system. There's a quick way to do this (would take me about a couple of hours max) and a slow way. The slow way is more efficient, since data would be automatically updated as pupils enter or leave the school, but it will (it seems) take a month or more to set up. I was promised the pupils would all be entered onto the system in the first two weeks of term. Now they won't be. I'm tearing my hair out because it has huge implications for me, both in terms of lessons I have planned (using this project as a tool) and in terms of my role in the project. It's VERY frustrating.

Good day

Manic, but good.

Spent the morning (while tutors were meeting their new classes) sorting out ICT problems, setting up accounts and doing other useful and necessary stuff. Had a good talk with a close colleague about new schemes etc - she did tell me to slow down at one point and I have to admit my brain WAS buzzing!

This afternoon I taught two lessons. Both highly interactive and (on the whole) enjoyable. For my first lesson (Maths) I intended to use the voting pads we have in school, but time ran away with me. However, am all ready to use them in tomorrow's lesson so was not wasted.

My second lesson was English, with a challenging class. However, they really seemed to enjoy the lesson I had planned for them. Just had one lad who wouldn't engage; I can see I am going to need to work really hard with him to establish positives. Food for thought.

Then on to my counselling session. Trying not to analyse too much; it's a different sort of counselling and I am having to adjust to not being able to see the route (though the end point is clear). It was very helpful, very nurturing, and very hard in places. Links all over the place; lots of ground covered, some important securing done.

This evening i managed to get to the gym for a body balance class. Hard work but I managed OK and it did feel good to get back. Waiting for E to text to summon me for taxi duties!

H had a good first day at school. Some real positives there - especially in terms of friendship, where her new friend refused to be bullied into rejecting her and instead rejected the bullies!

Like I say, a good day.

finished

I met up with D for our last session. Parts of it were very sad, parts were scary (especially at first), parts were positive and good.
I'm going to miss her so much.

Am going out for a massage soon and when I return need to plan my lessons for tomorrow. That will keep me busy.

Better day

Thank goodness.

Saw J for the first time today - potential new counsellor recommended by my GP. It was a really good session. All went well, all looks promising, and I feel so much safer knowing there is a "space" and a support in place after Monday when I see D for the last time. That last session actually feels manageable now - very reassuring. It will still be hard to end it all, but at least I know I can work on the things I still need to work on. What is more, there is no limit to the number of sessions I can have with J, and I can pay what I can afford to.

I feel safe.

Productive day

I woke up this morning determined that today I was going to paint the kitchen. I bought the paint 6 months ago, have intended to do it for ages, but never got round to it.

Well, today I did. I cleaned everything, did the skirting board and door frame, and then the walls. Lots of pulling out fridge/freezer, washing machine etc. Lots of standing on the kitchen table (!) A bit of panic when I realised that I had bought 2 tins of different colours (!) and wasn't sure I had enough of the colour I had painted most of the kitchen in - and that particular paint has been discontinued! But I did have enough. Slightly disconcerted to find that the second tine was blue when I intended to paint the kitchen green - and yes, I used the blue instead. Ah well. It's all done and is a massive improvement - lifts my spirits to stand in it. Am determined to repaint more of the house, probably the hall and stairs next because they look the most dingy, but the bathroom is another candidate (it also needs a new floor covering due to the amount of water the girls have splashed around!)

I have to say I am both physically and mentally exhausted now.

GCSE results

To add to her A level Psychology last week, and her A* in Statistics GCSE last year, E today picked up her main GCSE results - 4 A grades and 6 A* grades.

A happy family!

Psychiatrist viist

I saw Dr K today. I'd been really anxious about it. Not because of him (he is great) but because of the topics of discussion to be raised and my knowledge of how difficult it was going to be to talk about it - or even to know he knew.

However, as I say, he is great, and C (my CMHN) was really helpful too. I talked with her before my appt and it was really useful that I had told her what I felt and what I wanted to say, because when I got in there the anxiety hit full on and I couldn't actually communicate. She stepped in, thank goodness, and the fact that she said what I needed to say made it easier for me then to respond to Dr K's questions and suggestions.

The upshot (as far as I understand it) is that Dr K thinks that what needs addressing is PTSD. Not something I had considered. Not sure if I think that is it but I guess it is one label. He is going to contact the psychology services to see if there is any (female) provision. He did ask about the previous psychologist i had seen. D was fantastic and my sessions with him were so useful, but as I said to Dr K I just don't see how I can discuss this with a man at the moment. I think that would be a huge barrier.
The other possibility would be referral to an out of area treatment. Dr K mentioned the Maudsley which is apparently "the best" - but the prospect of trying to get to weekly appointments in London (and back from them) just seems impossible; I really cannot conceive how I could do it.

Anyway, back to waiting and seeing. I have crossed one bridge, and one that was very hard. I am so lucky to be seeing him - he is so gentle and respectful and concerned. He kept asking if I wanted a glass of water, didn't make me feel rushed, made sure there was nothing else I needed to ask. He had even read through my list of grounding strategies (which I sent to C and which she had clearly passed on), commented on how many I had found and used them when I dissociated. That helped so much.

He also reassured me that if I need tos ee him before my next appt (in 3 months) then C will arrange that with him. I need to remember that, especially if things start getting hard in the winter.

Thursday

I've been busy all day, but feel I haven't achieved as much as I wanted to.

Went to pick up E, and to get her A level result. She got a B in her Psychology - which I think is amazing, given that she has taken it 2 years early. She is a bit disappointed - really wanted an A. I think the disappointment is more that she felt she didn't perform as well in her final paper as she would have liked to. We're proud of her though, and reinforcing to her that she has achieved amazingly well. GCSE results are next week.

Came home and tried to sort out her computer - ropy internet connection. Checked the details and found she was only on 256K RAM. Took her (and H) out to buy some more RAM and a new wireless transmitter and came back with a new laptop for her. She has paid half the cost (from her savings) and it should see her through UNi. The rest of the day has been taken up with setting it up really.

About to have tea, then hoping to cut out the fabric for these bags. Then (I hope) some game playing this evening,w ith my new update for Sims". I love that game!

GP visit

I saw my GP today. I was really worried about it, but (of course) I needn't have been - none of my worries were borne out in the event.

She was really supportive and had good suggestions. I have stopped my meds again - and ended up telling her that. She asked me why, and listened to my reasons, but had good reasons of her own for me to restart not the escitalopram but the trazadone, and at a reasonable (not massive) dose, to help with the sleep. So I have agreed to that. She also said how important it is for me to have counselling right now, with sessions with D finishing, and had some good suggestions (including practical help) with that. Her suggestions tied in with those of others, and that helped, though financially I have no idea how it can be arranged. However, she is going to help with the practicalities of making contact, and that too is really helpful.

I need sleep so badly. And I need a break from the flashbacks and the new information. Last night was particularly bad in both respects. I felt so scared, and couldn't get the images and emotions out of my head. I have found an old supply of Temazepam and, since I haven't managed to collect the prescription she gave me today, will try that tonight. Just to be knocked out would be a relief.

Crete

Returned home very late last night (even later accounting for the time difference between UK and Crete!) Great holiday - here are some initial photos to give a flavour:

First, the sea. Our hotel was right on the beach, and the girls and I had many happy hours there. Sadly it was too rough to swim (though we did paddle and surf some waves in). We built some monster sandcastles!The flowers and plants were stunning - and the fruits too.

Gread architecture, wonderful history.

More to follow.

High Low Dolly Pepper *

(* An internet search will probaby reveal the origin of this.)

Carrying on from a previous post, this is about how to help, I suppose. Or at least, what I am finding helps me at the moment, and what others have suggested helps them in similarly difficult situations.

Yes, there has been an upturn in my mood over the last few days. Hooray! I've been trying to work out why:
1. Medication? After I started to deteriorate, I stopped my antidepressants. This is something of a pattern for me - wanting to stop meds when others might argue I need them most. However, it is very closely linked for me with taking control. At times of mental health crisis I feel out of control and often unable to take control. Meds are one thing I can control, and, I think, doing so helped me to feel less powerless. When I started them again it was my decision.
I started back on my meds two days ago. My mood has improved since then - probably more rapidly than can be accounted for by chemical results from taking the seratonin. I think it is as much accounted for by feeling more in control generally.
2. Sunlight. With the holidays starting I have been able to spend more time outside. I know that sunlight has a massive effect on my mood.
3. Decrease in flashbacks. I think partly this is because the immediate flooding of memories has been gone through to some extent. It was overwhelming at the time. I am still struggling to sleep through the night (even with sleeping tablets) though. The huge impact of remembering some of the things I have remembered for the first time can't be underestimated.
4. Less uncertainty about the future. As last year, it felt like I was facing the absence of a lot of support all at the same time. I did feel fine about stopping sessions with D - then came the flashbacks, and the realisation that other sources of support were (again) absent. Having delayed the final session (no date set as yet) I now know that my GP will be back from holiday, and my pastor and his wife are also home. I've also had a f2f meeting with my CMHN, which was helpful.
5. Bridges - the holiday tomorrow is one of these. Even though at the moment I am jittery, I know I will be fine when we get going.
6. Support, support, support. From internet friends, from professionals, from helplines. Oh yes.
So, lots of factors - here's hoping. More on this to follow.

Where I was and where I am

I'm aware that there are people whose blogs I read regularly who are really struggling right now.

I'm aware that 18 months ago I was very much in the place some of them seem to be. It's a horrible place. A frightening place. A desolate and desparate place. I very much remember the certainty I had then that things would never improve, could never improve, and that the future was hopeless for me. It was very very hard to carry on going at times. At times I nearly didn't.
I'm also aware that I have nearly completed a full year at work since that time, with virtually no days off due to mental health issues. (I did take one day off at the end of the Spring term, when things felt dangerously unsafe and I recognised that I needed that space.) I'm very aware of where I was compared to where I am now. It feels slightly odd to remember (quite vividly at times0 how hopeless and helpless I felt then, and to compare that to how I feel now. There are difficult times, but those seem to be times when I recognise that things are slipping, rather than feeling that things are out of control. I have been wondering what has brought about the change. The reality is that there are many many things which ahve helped changes in my life to happen. It would be impossible for me to identify one single thing. Rather it is a combination of small (and some larger) changes which have shifted the balance. I'm grateful for that shift, grateful for the sense of hope for a future where I can deal with my mental health and cope better with any problems which arise. I hope that others who come and read here might also read my blog posts from last year, to see that things can change drastically. Because I know that I would not ahve believed things could change for me, and maybe if others see that they have, it might perhaps give some of them hope that things can change for them.

For those of you walking in the darkness, please keep on walking, even if it is a tiny step at a time. And if you feel you cannot travel any further, then take a break from travelling and allow yourself to rest, but please don't lose hope.

Kubler-Ross stages of grief

(from Wikipedia, of course)
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Currently thinking about this with reference to my childhood. Had a positive but hard session with D today. Lots touched on and discussed, including the spectres I only glimpse faintly at the moment. We talked about whether I want to look more closely at these spectres, and if so how I would do that.

The denial I remember going through in great detail, and for a long time, with my psychologist. I think I got to the point of accepting that what happened wasn't ideal, could have been better. Anger is one I struggle with a lot. Just recognising it is difficult, but I can see how I have turned that anger on myself over the years, which led to (and reflected) my depression. Not sure about the bargaining - mainly because I know there is more I have not faced yet, so bargaining is impossible; I have to be honest with myself and accept things before I can move to that. At the moment I am at grief - shown strongly today. I need to get through that, experience it, and experience the anger turned outward (as I briefly did today). To do that I have to believe it is safe to allow myself to feel and express the anger. I came a step closer to that today, but it was frightening and painful.