I saw Dr K today. I'd been really anxious about it. Not because of him (he is great) but because of the topics of discussion to be raised and my knowledge of how difficult it was going to be to talk about it - or even to know he knew.
However, as I say, he is great, and C (my CMHN) was really helpful too. I talked with her before my appt and it was really useful that I had told her what I felt and what I wanted to say, because when I got in there the anxiety hit full on and I couldn't actually communicate. She stepped in, thank goodness, and the fact that she said what I needed to say made it easier for me then to respond to Dr K's questions and suggestions.
The upshot (as far as I understand it) is that Dr K thinks that what needs addressing is PTSD. Not something I had considered. Not sure if I think that is it but I guess it is one label. He is going to contact the psychology services to see if there is any (female) provision. He did ask about the previous psychologist i had seen. D was fantastic and my sessions with him were so useful, but as I said to Dr K I just don't see how I can discuss this with a man at the moment. I think that would be a huge barrier.
The other possibility would be referral to an out of area treatment. Dr K mentioned the Maudsley which is apparently "the best" - but the prospect of trying to get to weekly appointments in London (and back from them) just seems impossible; I really cannot conceive how I could do it.
Anyway, back to waiting and seeing. I have crossed one bridge, and one that was very hard. I am so lucky to be seeing him - he is so gentle and respectful and concerned. He kept asking if I wanted a glass of water, didn't make me feel rushed, made sure there was nothing else I needed to ask. He had even read through my list of grounding strategies (which I sent to C and which she had clearly passed on), commented on how many I had found and used them when I dissociated. That helped so much.
He also reassured me that if I need tos ee him before my next appt (in 3 months) then C will arrange that with him. I need to remember that, especially if things start getting hard in the winter.