Sunday, 6 July 2008

Where I was and where I am

I'm aware that there are people whose blogs I read regularly who are really struggling right now.

I'm aware that 18 months ago I was very much in the place some of them seem to be. It's a horrible place. A frightening place. A desolate and desparate place. I very much remember the certainty I had then that things would never improve, could never improve, and that the future was hopeless for me. It was very very hard to carry on going at times. At times I nearly didn't.
I'm also aware that I have nearly completed a full year at work since that time, with virtually no days off due to mental health issues. (I did take one day off at the end of the Spring term, when things felt dangerously unsafe and I recognised that I needed that space.) I'm very aware of where I was compared to where I am now. It feels slightly odd to remember (quite vividly at times0 how hopeless and helpless I felt then, and to compare that to how I feel now. There are difficult times, but those seem to be times when I recognise that things are slipping, rather than feeling that things are out of control. I have been wondering what has brought about the change. The reality is that there are many many things which ahve helped changes in my life to happen. It would be impossible for me to identify one single thing. Rather it is a combination of small (and some larger) changes which have shifted the balance. I'm grateful for that shift, grateful for the sense of hope for a future where I can deal with my mental health and cope better with any problems which arise. I hope that others who come and read here might also read my blog posts from last year, to see that things can change drastically. Because I know that I would not ahve believed things could change for me, and maybe if others see that they have, it might perhaps give some of them hope that things can change for them.

For those of you walking in the darkness, please keep on walking, even if it is a tiny step at a time. And if you feel you cannot travel any further, then take a break from travelling and allow yourself to rest, but please don't lose hope.

5 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

What a wonderful encouraging post...am so pleased you are in a better place than you were a year ago...
hope is everything, much love, Katie, x

marcella said...

I agree - a very encouraging and hopeful post. Congratulations on all your hard work on getting to where you are.

Disillusioned said...

Thank you both.

It is still up and down, but the downs are not so low and the ups are higher.
It's good.

Catherine said...

It's amazing how we can change, isn't it? I know that the summertimes are usually when I am most depressed, yet this summer I have only had the odd moment here and there - more melancholy than depressed, in fact.

It's good that you posted this.

(btw, what does the school countdown clock say?)

Disillusioned said...

The countdown clock says 9 days!
Summertimes are usually best for me - though the end of any term is a strain.