Friday, 28 November 2008

Counselling session

Taking gentle steps... J is so gentle - we get where we need to be, but she helps me to feel as safe as I can given where I am right now.

Yesterday we looked at needing others ... and at allowing ourselves to feel strong and that being OK and right ... and at a new technique she wants to try in our next session ... and did some guided imagery. All challenging things for me, but I felt OK about them.
Some great pieces of writing to take away with me - some I may post here.
CMHT support? Why even bother wondering? Nothing, of course. Why should there be? I don't deserve it. Clearly. The only question is whether I attend my appointment with the psychiatrist next week to tell him I am discharging myself or whether I just phone and cancel. For a long time I have felt as if I have to ask to be discharged - slowly I am starting to recognise that I can just do it. I'd like BLPT to understand why I am doing so, but they never will, or at least, will never accept my experience of events, so why bother?


marcella said...

Of course you DESERVE support - but it doesn't look as if you are going to get it out of that lot. If you CAN, please at least drop your psychiatrist OR YOUR GP a line outlining the reasons for your decision to give up on them as a lost cause. The Trust are being paid by the Primary Care Trust to provide a service and they are obviously not meeting the spec. If the only way they can even look as if they are meeting their targets at the same time as balancing their books is to let down the very people they are supposed to be working with.

marcella said...

sorry - forgot to finish that

as I said, if the only way they can even look as if they are meeting their targets at the same time as balancing their books is to let down the very people they are supposed to be working with, then the PCT who are purchasing the care (can you tell I've just been on a course about purchasing and providing within the NHS?) need to know that they are paying for a crap service

Disillusioned said...

Thanks Marcella.
Hve done as you suggest - knowing that all they will do is write me off as a "difficult customer". Copies sent to PCT, CEO, PALS, and my GP. I know my GP will care, but suspect she will feel equally powerless.

La-reve said...


I am apalled really at the way you have been treated. Despite your concerns, despite them knowing you need support and your GP chasing them up, still it is lacking.

I really don;t like to think of you having discharged yourself and having no safety net to fall back on- but I understand that that net may already have been removed and I understand your reasons for discharge as at least giving you back some control.

I can't really offer any productive suggestions just my sympathy and empathy.

Lareve x

Disillusioned said...

Thanks La-Reve

I understand your reservations (and share them to some extent) but the fact is that the support is not there from BLPT. Fortunately I do have it through my GP and counsellor.

I was assured the support would always be there if I needed it, and I believed that assurance. That was why, when I was doing "OK" back in September, I didn't make pointless appointments with my then CC. I now suspect that not seeing her regularly has contributed to my current situation. I was assured that Dr X would make sure I received support when it was needed. He told me it was needed and he would make sure I got it - but it hasn't materialised.

When someone is in need of support, suicidal, that support is needed there and then - not five or more weeks down the line. I can't keep chasing for support, asking for support - or coping with what feels like repeated rejections of me. For me, it is best to stop hoping in BLPT - that hope causes me harm.