Fast Forward

My GP suggested this is what I need - a FF button to get me through this "lumpy time" (her very perceptive words) of changing meds.

In the meantime she has encouraged me, explained her thinking and tried to help me believe it will all get better soon.

I'm trying to believe her, and supplementing that belief with the new meds, and the old sleeping tablets and anti anxiety medication.

I feel like crying (but can't most of the time), am sleeping poorly, not wanting to eat, feeling like all is grey, and struggling with the old thoughts of self harm and self hatred. Feeling tired all the time doesn't leave much energy for motivation and action. That in turn leads to feeling bad about myself because i don't feel I am getting things done. See, I know it is all a horribly negative cycle - it's just at the moment I can't seem to get myself out of it.

The reality is that I am still at work and doing an OK job. things are getting done, for the most part. Maybe not to the highest standards, but I am planning and delivering lessons. I've even done some marking.

Filing is another matter.

GP visit

I saw my GP today. I was really worried about it, but (of course) I needn't have been - none of my worries were borne out in the event.

She was really supportive and had good suggestions. I have stopped my meds again - and ended up telling her that. She asked me why, and listened to my reasons, but had good reasons of her own for me to restart not the escitalopram but the trazadone, and at a reasonable (not massive) dose, to help with the sleep. So I have agreed to that. She also said how important it is for me to have counselling right now, with sessions with D finishing, and had some good suggestions (including practical help) with that. Her suggestions tied in with those of others, and that helped, though financially I have no idea how it can be arranged. However, she is going to help with the practicalities of making contact, and that too is really helpful.

I need sleep so badly. And I need a break from the flashbacks and the new information. Last night was particularly bad in both respects. I felt so scared, and couldn't get the images and emotions out of my head. I have found an old supply of Temazepam and, since I haven't managed to collect the prescription she gave me today, will try that tonight. Just to be knocked out would be a relief.

Meds

Thanks to those who voted on my poll re taking my meds again. You were as divided as I was! However, I decided to start the escitalopram again. To be honest, I'm not sure if it makes any difference, but I have decided, which means at least I can fool myself I am controlling it (and taking control was one of the reasons for stopping). the only side effect i have so far noticed is an immense desire to eat - which is a bit of a bummer, as the other aspect of my life where I was trying to feel in control was eating - and now that is not as clear as it was. At least this way I know I am doing everything I can to look after myself / follow instructions etc. (Although nobody would give me the instruction to take my medications again!)

We go on holiday on Tuesday for a week - I have left some dated posts but don't expect to have internet access while on holiday.

Where I am

Am off all the meds. Sleep is lousy. Anxiety is higher than it has been; feeling queasy most of the time. However, these could be down to lack of sleep as much as being off the tablets. Not sleeping is a bummer, especially asit is accompanied by flashbacks. Sleeping tablets are helping me to (eventually) get off to sleep but I am waying around 4am most mornings.

Still no idea what to do about further therapy. Had an email from D today to say she will phone today or tomorrow to discuss what is going on. Just feel hopeless about it all. All the work I have done has got me to the stage of remembering all this - and it makes sense of so much - but I don't know how to work through what I now remember so that I can put it in the past where it belongs. I feel like I have opened a box of snakes and I have no idea how to catch them and shut the lid on them so I can put them where they belong.

The abuse I have remembered I believe happened - but it is as if it happened to another person. I'm finding it impossible to connect that memory with myself. It's like the child then was someone else entirely - which is how I feel about a lot of my childhood.

I have to find a way of accepting that this happened to me, feeling that it happened to me, and then processing and dealing with that knowledge. I don't feel I can do that without f2f support - and I don't know where to find the specialised f2f support that D feels I need. I feel hopeless, to be frank.

Medication and self expression

A post by Rufus May has sparked off thoughts in me, together with today's appointment with my psychiatrist. Rufus May writes about a project he is involved in, helping people to come off medications.
Today with Dr K I discussed my recent reduction in Trazodone, one of my two antidepressants. I had previously agreed with Dr K that this would be a good idea when things got more stable, particularly as we have also agreed to increase my medications in the autumn, when I often dip. I have begun this process, and he was happy about this (though he wants me to take the reduction at a much slower pace than I had envisaged, waiting another 5 weeks to reduce again...)
What was interesting in Rufus May's article was that he wrote about supporting this reduction by providing opportunities to express emotions. His belief (and I don't necessarily agree with this) is that "illness is a way of releasing toxins from the body". I am not fully in agreement because I do believe that illness is often chemical and physical. However, I do agree that mental illness may be linked to suppression of feelings, emotions and past experiences.

However, what I am in agreement with is his statement that, "We need to offer people a broad range of ways of dealing with their thoughts and moods, that includes more active coping strategies and initiatives. " He cites as examples Tai Chi and Boxercise. This got me thinking about things I can do to keep in touch with my moods and emotions - things I am already doing and maybe things I can add. I am already going to the gym twice weekly for classes. One is a Yoga class which I find very grounding. The other good thing about this particular class is that it is on a Sunday afternoon. Sundays are when I do my lesson planning, and the Yoga class provides a point at which work has to stop. On Tuesdays I go to a Body Balance class which is a mix of Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates. That is also very grounding. I'm toying with the idea of adding in a class which is more aerobics based. I can see that might be good for expressing more angry emotions - but I am struggling a bit with it; it is way outside my comfort zone. At the moment I am working to learn the moves before trying out a class.

I got to thinking about other things I do to express and ground myself. Creativity has a big part to play for me. Not so much that I express emotions in things I make, more that to do so is grounding and provides positive reinforcement for me. It gives me a sense of worth - and since one of my issues is feeling useless, anything that counteracts that has to be good. Writing helps too. Creating teaching resources (and work itself) can also be very grounding - as long as I remain honest and don't just take on capable teacher mode. The singing workshop day was brilliant for grounding - lots of physical stuff, but also using the words of songs. Maybe I should think about joining some kind of choir or music group. (One worry about that would be that my voice can be unreliable - at the moment it is disappearing with the cold I am suffering, and teaching already places major strains on it).

Still, it's all interesting. Maybe I can find ways to enable myself to balance the chemical reductions with increased self care in other ways. If nothing else, it reminds me of the importance of self care.

Thinking about medication

With all the recent stuff in the news, and given my frequent struggles with taking antidepressants etc, I suppose it is no surprise that this subject is on my mind just now.

At times I go along totally with the view that psychiatric meds are no different to (say) the asthma medications I take daily. Seretide stops me from having an asthma attack. Escitolopram and Trazadone stop me from becoming depressed.

Except that it isn't that simple, is it?

I suppose I can discount the "stigma" element to some extent. After all, there are few people who have a "need to know" that I am on antidepressants, and even then few people would probably see it as an issue. I don't see asthma meds as carrying stigma. Of course, it isn't the medication which is the problem, in truth; it's having the mental "weakness" which leads me to suffer from depression / anxiety at irregular intervals. (Not that I feel that other people with mental illnesses are weak, you understand - I reserve that "judgement" for myself alone).

However, there are other issues with the antidepressants I take. I'm sure Seretide has some side effects, but I haven't found them (fortunately!) In contrast, I do have experience of a variety of side effects from the variety of antidepressants I have been prescribed over the years.
My experience of asthma medications is that, while one may be more convenient than another, they have all been more or less equally effective. In contrast, finding the "right" antidepressant seems to be a hit and miss affair.
Add to that the recent suggestions that antidepressants are ineffective (even though I have also read numerous comments describing how the research may have been flawed) and that they are no more effective than a placebo, and my decision to stay on the medications I am taking becomes questionable, dubious. Am I fooling myself and using up precious resources which could be better spent on others? I don't know.
I do know that when I have tried to reduce antidepressants, I get to a certain point and start deteriorating mentally. That deterioration could, however, be explained by other pressures. Who can tell with mental illness.

I suppose a lot of it comes back to the subjectiveness of mental health, to the fact that it cannot be observed and quantified as (for example) a broken leg or asthma can be. But I am left struggling again with my use of medication.