Plans and control

Saw C today - it was useful.
She will come to my next outpatients' appt with Dr K with me. D has spoken to him about ongoing help with the abuse issues. Next Tuesday (when I have my appt) we will talk about the possibilities, apparently. That feels scary but C has said she will talk to him before then to fill in some detail and I won't need to go in to any detail with him.
We talked about my lack of energy and lack of motivation. She thinks it might be connected to my controlling my eating (ie trying not to, skipping meals) and also to the cold I have had.
We talked about control and how I can feel more in control at the moment. We discussed the lack of structure during holidays. I am going to identify 5 tasks for each day. So tomorrow my tasks are:
Take E to sleepover
Take H to have her ears pierced and to buy some new jeans
Shopping
Cook some meals for the freezer
Cut out the fabric for the bags I want to make (to store school supplies in so I can transport them more easily between lessons)
We also talked about the need for further help with the abuse issues - I said how insistent Dr M had been that I need specialised help and support. We agreed that this could be the last piece in the jigsaw and talked about how working through this could enable me to understand myself and cope better. I said how I felt that if I can look at things in a supportive environment I will be able to understand more why I am as I am, and that will help me to cope. Just like learning about schemas and how my schemas are triggered has made it much easier for me to cope with them. But I need to find a way of integrating things and I can't do that on my own.

This afternoon E and I did some cooking (H was with a friend). That was good. We made some potato dishes and some quiches - had quiche for tea and also have some to put in the freezer. Tomorrow I plan to make a variety of mince dishes, also for the freezer. Should all make it easier when term starts, and also lessen my guilt about W doing most of the day to day cooking.

Meds

Thanks to those who voted on my poll re taking my meds again. You were as divided as I was! However, I decided to start the escitalopram again. To be honest, I'm not sure if it makes any difference, but I have decided, which means at least I can fool myself I am controlling it (and taking control was one of the reasons for stopping). the only side effect i have so far noticed is an immense desire to eat - which is a bit of a bummer, as the other aspect of my life where I was trying to feel in control was eating - and now that is not as clear as it was. At least this way I know I am doing everything I can to look after myself / follow instructions etc. (Although nobody would give me the instruction to take my medications again!)

We go on holiday on Tuesday for a week - I have left some dated posts but don't expect to have internet access while on holiday.

Control, food & other stuff

I know that when things in my life feel out of control, particularly emotions, I look for something else I can control. Those tend to be self harm, food and meds. Hence all three are known "warning signs".

In summer, the self harm seems to be less of an issue, if only because of the difficulty of hiding the results. Particularly with our holiday coming up next week, even hiding things on my upper legs won't be possible. So that's not a strategy I feel I can use at the moment.

Med struggles I have posted about here. Won't repeat myself. But food is the one I am conscious of at the moment.

When things are really hard I restrict what I eat. As in I restrict how many meals I eat. I've been doing this for the last couple of weeks or so; down to two meals a day. It's OK; it's safe enough, manageable. What doesn't feel manageable was yesterday.
Yesterday I ate. I couldn't control my desire for food. So I had three meals. Not enormous meals, just normal ones. I also ate a chocolate bar (after my evening meal) and some stuffed olives and peppers before my evening meal.
I feel like a pig. I don't understand my lack of control. I hate having lost control. I also hate the fact taht I weighed myself and gained 5 pounds overnight. I mean, 5 pounds! How the hell did that happen?

Now i have to get back some control.