Saturday, 26 July 2008

Control, food & other stuff

I know that when things in my life feel out of control, particularly emotions, I look for something else I can control. Those tend to be self harm, food and meds. Hence all three are known "warning signs".

In summer, the self harm seems to be less of an issue, if only because of the difficulty of hiding the results. Particularly with our holiday coming up next week, even hiding things on my upper legs won't be possible. So that's not a strategy I feel I can use at the moment.

Med struggles I have posted about here. Won't repeat myself. But food is the one I am conscious of at the moment.

When things are really hard I restrict what I eat. As in I restrict how many meals I eat. I've been doing this for the last couple of weeks or so; down to two meals a day. It's OK; it's safe enough, manageable. What doesn't feel manageable was yesterday.
Yesterday I ate. I couldn't control my desire for food. So I had three meals. Not enormous meals, just normal ones. I also ate a chocolate bar (after my evening meal) and some stuffed olives and peppers before my evening meal.
I feel like a pig. I don't understand my lack of control. I hate having lost control. I also hate the fact taht I weighed myself and gained 5 pounds overnight. I mean, 5 pounds! How the hell did that happen?

Now i have to get back some control.


Calum said...

I feel for you. What you write chimes with some of Mrs Carr's views on control.

Hang in there.

mandy lifeboats appeal said...


I think without lorazepam I would be completely out of control right now.

Is very false control but when things are so bad need to work with what works.

I am comfort eating so the other extreme to you, C.

I don't self harm by cutting but I guess smoking is self harm. There are different ways to punish ourselves. I don't know why we do that..punish ourselves but we do.

Try and go gently there, my friend, I am trying to do the same here


marcella said...

Hugs from here - anything I say is going to come out wrong at the moment - I just sense it - so just be aware that I'm thinking of you.

Disillusioned said...

Thanks all.
When things are chaotic, as you say M, you have to use what you have and what works.

when things become less chaotic there's room for a gentle hold on the other stuff.