Monday, 21 July 2008

Where I am

Am off all the meds. Sleep is lousy. Anxiety is higher than it has been; feeling queasy most of the time. However, these could be down to lack of sleep as much as being off the tablets. Not sleeping is a bummer, especially asit is accompanied by flashbacks. Sleeping tablets are helping me to (eventually) get off to sleep but I am waying around 4am most mornings.

Still no idea what to do about further therapy. Had an email from D today to say she will phone today or tomorrow to discuss what is going on. Just feel hopeless about it all. All the work I have done has got me to the stage of remembering all this - and it makes sense of so much - but I don't know how to work through what I now remember so that I can put it in the past where it belongs. I feel like I have opened a box of snakes and I have no idea how to catch them and shut the lid on them so I can put them where they belong.

The abuse I have remembered I believe happened - but it is as if it happened to another person. I'm finding it impossible to connect that memory with myself. It's like the child then was someone else entirely - which is how I feel about a lot of my childhood.

I have to find a way of accepting that this happened to me, feeling that it happened to me, and then processing and dealing with that knowledge. I don't feel I can do that without f2f support - and I don't know where to find the specialised f2f support that D feels I need. I feel hopeless, to be frank.

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