Monday, 21 July 2008

and now?

feels like i am living two parallel worlds.

just got off the phone with D. Told her about the meds. She asked what i am doing to look after myself. probably not enough. eating ok - but drinking too much alcohol. the props of masseage and gym remain in place. she asked about seeing my gp - was intending to try for an appt for wednesday but tried today instead - to find that Dr M is away for 2 more weeks, and that there are no appts with female gps available today - i can only have a chance of getting an appt if i call the surgery at 8. the second female gp i trust is not in till thurs - will try to get an appt with her by calling on weds am.
bit of self harm starting. nothing major.
trying to keep busy - have done some schoool work over the last couple of days and some housework today. will do more house work this pm.

D said she couldn't make any suggestions re further support and help with the abuse issues as she is not with the clinical team any more. she is going to contact my team tomorrow and get back to me then and talk to dr K my psychiatrist. i told her i had tried all the numbers C gave me but there is nothing local. i told her i felt scared because there was noone i can talk to after our sessions end on thursday. she said i could talk to c but i can't - and i told her that - not about the abuse, and not about many other things. she asked if i wanted a change of cc but i don't really i think it is me and it looks bad if i change again. she suggested i could meet with her and D (psychologist i saw) jointly but that isn't really an option either - i have found the joint sessions incredibly hard and in any case i am nowhere near being able to talk to a male about the abuse. she asked if things were as bad as before and i said they are not - but i know they are going down. she asked about getting the crisis team involved but i really really don't want that - i don't want to start again with another set of temporary people, new people.
i feel like every suggestion she made i rejected and i wasn't trying to be difficult just don't know what to do. if i could know where i can get support after i finish with d i think i could cope.


werehorse said...

This is when I realise how lucky I am - I'm not only having a year of counselling with a specialist organisation but there's a self help and support group in my area.

I don't have much useful advice but I hope there will be some suggestions for you and take care.

Disillusioned said...

Thank you werehorse.

Have taken a huge plunge and found a counsellor in a directory - am seeing her tomorrow afternoon. Am terrified - what if it all goes wrong?

Catherine said...

Let us know how it goes . . .

Disillusioned said...

She was nice, but not right for me in all sorts of ways. It's me that is the problem, I know.
Foolishly I had let myself believe it would work out oK. but it can't.