Bleh

So I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.
Some work, some don't.
At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!

Life is full of interesting conflits right now.
The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation which arose from me trying to do another thing I was urged to - be assertive. In fact J and I celebrated the fact that I had been assertive and had expressed my feelings about the pressure being put on many members of staff by the management. I was feeling good about it. Feeling I was making progress.
Then the management responded.
And I switched right back into childhood and childish responses, and self blame, and self harm, and dark dark intentions and thoughts which left my GP wanting to refer me to the crisis team. And to me refusing that offer (which will be no surprise to anyone who read my blog during my previous contact with the mental health team.)

So new meds, revisiting old meds, increased contact with my GP (who IS wonderful) and with J (who is also wonderful). All occuring during the holiday - which is probably a good thing in some ways, but in others is crappy, because being away from work allows me to catastrophise and imagine and think everyone there must hate me... and because it's the holidays and I want to be enjoying and appreciating them.

Oh, and I have a broken tooth so imminent dental work (big trigger) and an "invitation" to make an appointment for a smear test (even bigger trigger) and money is tight and and and...

But there you go.

All kinds of things are conflating at the moment, and I am just working at staying upright and functioning. Compartmentalising to the nth degree. Feeling very uncertain that this will ever end in a good way, but trying to hang ont o the fact that J and my GP both assure me that it will end in a good way and that they will stick by me until it does.

Depression sucks. Just in case you didn't know it.

Friday

All very rough tonight. Hitting the depths. Safety net gone and not sure how to cope with that. I want an escape route but I have thrown the map away.

Phoned a helpline. They suggested I go to bed.

Sometimes...

...I think I am "getting over" (whatever that means) the way I have been treated by my old CMHT, the complaints department, the Trust Board members of BLPT.

Then I realise I am not.

My mind scours in circles, looking for reason where there is none, seeking clarity in cess-pools of obstructiveness, dreaming of explanations and apologies from people who have no compassion.

They force me back into childhood guilt, into insecurity and fear. Then they drag the rug away and I fall, toppling, crying, beating my head against the wall of their indifference. They see my need and despise it. They ignore the expert voices speaking against theirs. Childhood revisited in so many aspects.

My arms show my chaos, while my words remain controlled and articulate. They label and categorise me, refusing to accept that I am not one, I am many, and that my many is fragmented and failing.

Monday

It's not OK.
It's very not OK.

Anger part 2

Despite all the wise words of my last post, tonight I feel very unable to cope with the emotions I am feeling again. I don't want all this - the complaint taking so long, D leaving, being in a spiral, feeling overwhelmed, feeling worse than overwhelmed. I'm trying to control it, working on the breathing, but I want to be little and not to have to take decisions or responsiblity. And I want not to be here.

I can't remember how much I have said about my dissociation, but Alice, Elsie and Shula all feel more real than I do tonight.

broken

Broken mind
Thoughts tumbling in the silent gale
Words which cannot be recalled
Whirl round in spiralling black
Disorientating and defeating.

Broken heart
Trust given and deserved
Crushed now by the heavy foot of time.
Spilling messily on the floor
Pulsating.

Broken body
Marked with hatred and anger
Innocence scarred
The criss-crossed lines a hopscotch game
Hidden in shame.

Cleaning up...

Have hidden some posts from public view. They are still there for me to see - and hopefully that will provide me with the recognition of how it hurts without allowing others to accuse me of attention seeking.

The comments are still there too - and much valued and appreciated.

I still feel much the same - but have managed not to do any more damage tonight.

can't

ducking out
too much
i know it is all tied up with old stuff for me, but old patterns are repeated as my requests for help are ignored and i receive only silence.
i was told i could change the patterns by changing myself.
but i can't.

Don't know what to do

I know what I want to do - but I can't do it.

I know what I should do - but I can't do that either.

I know what I would like others to do - but they are not even acknowledging that I have asked for their help.

So I'm sitting here, implement in hand, and I don't know what to do.

Needing your support

Self harm urges are overwhelming just now. Your presence, knowing you are listening to and believing in me, are so very important right now. thankm you.

where am i?

i'm here
but not here

real
but unreal

present
but absent

the difference between my body
and my soul.

i'm safe
but dangerous

secure
but at risk

hiding
yet declaring myself for all to see.

this is where i am.

where are you?

Bad

Bad day here. Big row. Not coping at all with it. All the old impulses and thoughts have returned with a strong desire to do something about them. I promised not to but that promise is very hard to keep right now.

I can't post about it here. But it's the accusations, the fact that when I try to say something he throws it all back as my fault. He accused me and I said I was sorry it had felt that way but that wasn't how I intended it, or that I was sorry I had not expressed myself helpfully. He brought up accusations from 10 - 20 years ago, accusations I dispute anyway, about me not doing anything around the house then, him doing it all.

I don't want to be here. I want to run. I want...
I can't, but I want...

And I don't know what to do. I have tried my phone support but none are available.

Control

I've been thinking (yes, thinking!) about this over the last couple of days.

I suspect that, feeling as out of control as I do in my "normal" life, I have been trying to take back control in the areas it feels I can control. For example, I have been "controlling" my eating (ie not eating) and trying (though failing) to control my weight. I'd like to control my body so that I could become very thin (I'm overweight at the moment) and that has become a major focus. I've been trying to control my thoughts by distracting myself from them as much as possible - through alcohol, through self harm, through valium. I've been trying to control routines - my daily life is planned out hour to hour, and I rehearse constantly what is going on, where I need to be etc. I've been trying (failing!) to control the house in terms of tidying, organising etc. I'm trying to bring some pretence of order and safety to a life which feels chaotic and dangerous. And I'm not sure I am anywhere near ready to stop my efforts to control things. Even though I am now eating something, it's not what most people would consider a normal healthy diet (one meal a day). I'm not ready to face up to my emotions so my attempts to control them continue. I need to structure life and my time. Change is just another threat, and not being able to bring closure and resolution to aspects of school life means that I still have that lack of control surrounding me.

Taking it to its simplest....

I have a long list of things I need to change. I can't change my thinking at the moment because that part of my brain seems to have shut down. So I am instructed to change my behaviours. Specifically I should:
Eat properly
Avoid alcohol
Stop scratching at my arms
Take time to nurture myself by doing things I enjoy
Exercise to minimise the anxiety

But at times I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions that I am purely a reactive being.

Suggestions welcomed (but please be as gentle as you can).