Control

I've been thinking (yes, thinking!) about this over the last couple of days.

I suspect that, feeling as out of control as I do in my "normal" life, I have been trying to take back control in the areas it feels I can control. For example, I have been "controlling" my eating (ie not eating) and trying (though failing) to control my weight. I'd like to control my body so that I could become very thin (I'm overweight at the moment) and that has become a major focus. I've been trying to control my thoughts by distracting myself from them as much as possible - through alcohol, through self harm, through valium. I've been trying to control routines - my daily life is planned out hour to hour, and I rehearse constantly what is going on, where I need to be etc. I've been trying (failing!) to control the house in terms of tidying, organising etc. I'm trying to bring some pretence of order and safety to a life which feels chaotic and dangerous. And I'm not sure I am anywhere near ready to stop my efforts to control things. Even though I am now eating something, it's not what most people would consider a normal healthy diet (one meal a day). I'm not ready to face up to my emotions so my attempts to control them continue. I need to structure life and my time. Change is just another threat, and not being able to bring closure and resolution to aspects of school life means that I still have that lack of control surrounding me.