Two steps forward, one step back

So today I woke without a sense of dread. I was able to concentrate in the morning and get engrossed in my genealogy - and make some "breakthroughs" (while appreciating that they mean little to most other people). The breakthrough was in being able to think, however, and to feel relatively calm. I even considered missing out my valium - but was later glad I hadn't followed that course.

The step back came from what was, I suspect, an over-ambitious (though unavoidable) trip to town with my daughters. It started as a simple trip to buy birthday presents for my husband from them, but developed into buying supplies for a stall younger daughter is planning as part of a charity event, and into me needing to have it all in control, make it all sorted, make sure it ran smoothly. On top of that self-imposed pressure was the crowds, the noise, the people pressing in. I became overwhelmed, needing to escape, close to panic. I managed to survive, but driving home felt uncomfortable and the relief on being inside our house, safe, was huge. I retreated - to the afternoon dose of valium, a bath, and then hiding in my bedroom until I felt my head was more together.

I shouldn't be surprised, should I? But I take each little glimmer of improvement as proof that i am "better" and should be back to normal, back to work. It takes this to remind me that I need to give myself space and time.