Thursday, 28 February 2008

Thinking about anger again

This is the current focus of my work with D. She suggested I watch some TV programmes to see how other people deal with anger, eg in soaps. Trouble is, I'm not a great "soap" fan! Waterloo Road is about the only one I enjoy (and it does provide plenty of examples of anger, especially recently!)

But I did wonder if any of you could help me. What makes you angry? And what do you do when you feel angry?

Waterloo road last week showed characters shouting and storming off, slamming doors etc. I'm not sure if this is "normal" or the only way of handling anger, or the best way of handling anger. Any insight readers here would be prepared to give would be very welcome.


mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi D

It's sleepless hollow here. :>)

Maybe I should write a list of what doesn't make me angry. It would take up less space.

Actually, I think that is something to look at. Joking aside. If you wanna redress some balances. Look at the things that make you happy or have made you happy. Or if happy is too ambitious. Hows about, things (and not just in the object sense of the word) that made you more contented, comfortable, easier where you were at the time.

Oh no, I am in psycho analyst mode.

My happy list

Chocolate (various shapes and sizes)
Sunny days
People smiling
Morecambe and Wise
Frothy coffee
Postcards and unexpected nice mail
An unexpected nice male!

those are but a few.

So there you go. I had intended to do more normal high horse ranty stuff but something inside me decided to let out the warm and furry animal.

Shh! Don't tell anyone they will think I am a soft touch.

Night and hope you are sleeping soundly.

Disillusioned said...

Hi Mandy

Thanks for your list of positives. What I'm trying to deal with is that I don't recognise anger in myself (I'm too scared of it to allow myself to feel it) so I turn it on myself instantly.

I like the happy list though and may well do one myself!

MMP said...

How do we do angry?
I do up like a rocket, rant and threaten anhiliation of the entire human race.
DB is the voice of reason and sobriety.

What brings this on?
Driving is the only time I see my beloved angry!
Me? Anything that paints me into a corner and means I'll have to face the music. Way-back-when I discovered that there are two responses in my emotional repetoire: panic or letting it out. Tried panic and it scared me witless.

At one really, really, Really bad time in my life our milkman kindly gave me an amnesty for twelve months on returning his milkbottles. If needed, I would take them to the end of the (large)garden, into a paved area and smash them.

Containing my fury in this manner meant a number of things:
I had to let the neighbours know this would be happening for up to a year & given the circumstances they understood.
I had to learn to delay actioning the fury, it couldn't be with the kids around.
The children were not frightened any longer by my outpourings of anger and despair around the house.
And most importantly I had to clear up properly afterwards.

God Bless my milkman!

MMP said...

What do I do now when anger threatens to choke the life out of me Now?

If it's with the perennial problem of homework-not-completed I confess I've not stitched this yet.

Work hassles ( and one area is very ongoing-ly awful with other peoples hassles erruopting over our heads 24/7....) work is resolved by me quietly LEAVING the situation, taking my mobile phone and saying "I'm just popping out for some fresh air". Other people have ciggie breaks, I have a walk round the block.
Teaching? I say in a half strangled manner, "...just popping to fetch a spare reading book..." and sit and stare at the spines of the books in the reading scheme til I feel better.
On occasion I walk over to the door and fling it open and stare at the beauty of the trees and the sky, listen to the birds and remind myself they are young and did not mean to be revolting.....

Home? I exit at speed and in silence through the front door and walk till my lungs are just short of exploding. Then I turn round and come back.

And "Why didn't you take the dog?" is not a helpful question when I get back! Like I would have time to find the lead and be reasonable. If I could do that- I wouldn't need to leave in the first place!!!

One of my parents was all Out-There with their anger, the other one was all In-Here.
The In-Here one worried me when I was a child. I knew it was coming out somewhere and that unsettled me,
OK the noise and fruy was "intersting" but at least I knew what we were dealing with.

hope this helps and isn't just waffle

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi D

Forgive my frivolity. Sometimes I need to let loose. Letting loose has its uses.

Anger okay. For years I never knew what it was. I knew it in others but not myself. It manifested in tears. I cried alot. People thought I was a wooss. And I was but I was an angry wooss.

Now, my anger is more evident to me. But that doesn't mean I deal with it better.

It manifests much quicker and tends to veer me off into ranty, paranoid or self destructive mode.

Venting, as MMP, wrote is best way to deal with it but how is always a bit of mare. Getting some balance into that.

I remember being angry as hell in an acute unit and ripping this soft toy seal (I had made in OT) to bits. I do not promote seal fact I am anti but the fact it was actually an inaminate object meant I could destroy it and not actually do any damage to a living organism. It certainly helped at the time.

As for how to recognise anger when you don't. That is a toughy. My nearest and dearest would let me know when they knew I was angry. Which was good because often I didn't. So maybe a person you know and trust could help with that but not sure.

Or possibly thinking about those things you know make you angry and looking back at times when they have happened and trying to remember how you were and what you did. But I dunno. Anger can be a very personal thing (like what triggers it and reactions)

Hope this helps a bit and doesn't give you a migraine.


Disillusioned said...

Helps massively, hugely, enormously, thank you MMP. Thank you for your honesty - and for the useful ideas which I have gained from your own ways of dealing with anger.

I'm a turning in person - I don't express anger outwardly. Heck, most of the time (till recently) I haven't even allowed myself to recognise that I might be feeling anger. I turn it into "my fault" faster than the speed of light. Interrupting that transference is a major challenge.

Disillusioned said...

Thank you Mandy. Sounds like we have a number of similarities around anger.

The idea of destroying inanimate objects is a good one and one I will discuss with D when I see her next. I do venting but on paper (or on computer) - sometimes f2f in a school context (especially re pupils!)

Thanks for the ideas - it really helps.