Sunday 10 February 2008

Wondering...

A further step I could take with my mindfulness practice, according to The Mindful Way Through Depression (have I mentioned what a great book this is?) is to apply the technique of experiencing current emotions to old and troubling ones and past experiences.

Now, as it happens, a couple of relatively recent experiences have been near the forefront of my mind a lot of the time recently. I've been using the "worry time" technique and distracting myself, allowing myself specific times to think on them. However, these times tend to be last thing at night as I am settling myself for sleep. Not the best of techniques, I know. Dealing with them would seem to be a good aim. However...

I don't know if I am ready for this. The particular memories are times I am not comfortable with. They are times when I have dissociated very dramatically, becoming unable (fortunately temporarily) to cope with the realities going on around me. I'm definitely not comfortable with that loss of "control" (as I see it) in myself. Looking at my (very fragmented) memories of the episode scares me. With D's help, I've been able to put together some kind of picture of what happened. We've discussed it too, and that did help. However, I still feel a lot of anxiety about it. I think a lot of the anxiety is around the aspect of loss of control. I know that my episodes of major dissociation have thankfully been few (though minor "absences" have been more common) and that I dissociate when I feel under intense emotional pressure. It truly seems to be an escape mechanism when things are just too much to cope with. I think looking at the incident specifically and mindfully would probably be helpful - but part of me is scared of not being able to cope, even of dissociating as a result of thinking about the episode. Still, I am thinking about it! Maybe using the mindfulness technique initially on an experience which caused me distress, but not as extreme distress as this, would be a way to start. And today probably isn't the day as I have a dental appointment tomorrow. Always a source of great anxiety for me; I've made arrangements to get a lift there and back so I can dope myself up beforehand.

2 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

Am thinking of you with the dentist appointment - once it's over it'll be good... hope it's not for anythig too traumatic..
You are doing well be the sounds of it - small significant steps forwards... love and hugs
Katie
x

Disillusioned said...

Thanks again, Katie. The dentist trip is for a broken tooth, which I hope will be OK - but the whole experience of going to the dentist is a big thing for me. Fortunately I don't need to drive this time.