Shhhhh...

From Silvawing's blog
"I know that if you talk and tell secrets bad things will happen"

I was talking with D about this this week. Not going in to the background. But what struck me is that she doesn't see the mess as my fault - and i do. I know if I had listened and thought and remembered not to tell, remembered that even after all this time it was the wrong thing to do, to tell, things would have been different. I wouldn't be facing D's disappearance. D and C and others would not be mad at me. I should have remembered not to tell. It doesn't matter how long ago. "Shhh... don't tell."

So I will try to remember - but the thing is, what do you do when the secret is out of the box? You can't get it back.

Knowledge

I've now had sight of many of the emails which have circulated round BLPT concerning me. I know there are very many which the search of the system did not (could not) throw up. I've decided not to pursue that - I have the information I need and on the whole it confirms my previous beliefs. It has made me a bit sad to see some of the comments written about me, particularly when those comments contradict things said to my face. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though.

Their line continues to be that my complaint and all that ensued was a result of my mental health complicated by a few mistakes they made.
Mine continues to be that my complaint and all that ensued was a result of their actions, resulting in a deterioration of my mental health.

Semantically, there seems little difference. Emotionally and experientially the difference is massive.

They will never accept, I am sure, that their actions were the catalyst for what happened to me. I'm still not convinced that the HCC will be able to put aside all BLPT's words and "professional advice" and declarations that my mental health was at the root of all this. What I have read has convinced me that they will never be able to see my point of view. Can I see theirs? To a certain extent I can. I did make a lot of contact with them. I did constantly seek answers and clarification. But they didn't provide the answers. They didn't provide the clarification. They witheld information. And, most of all, they covered their own backs and didn't apologise for things they patently did wrong. It's interesting, isn't it, that I didn't pursue the failure to provide me with information. Why? Because the relevant department within BLPT provided the information, apologised for the fact that they got it wrong.

In many ways it is behind me now. I'm moving on. But I will not stop calling them to account for what they are doing to so many people in the "system". People like Mandy who have had to fight far beyond their strength to get the help they need.

I do want to register, too, that in my case some of the clinical advice was wrong. For many people it may be correct to have advised that pursuing the complaint was unhelpful. For some people it might have been right that silence was the appropriate response to my enquiries. But not for me. For me, knowledge, information, answers are what I needed. Each piece of knowledge I have eventually obtained (clinical notes, complaint notes, emails) has helped me to piece together this messy jigsaw and see what was going on, what was being covered up and some of the behind-the-scenes conflicts which fed into the problems I experienced. The information has, on the whole, not changed my opinion, but it has helped me to come to terms with what happened to me.

Right to post?

Not sure I have anything worth saying at the moment. It means so much to me to think people are interested in coming here, but I feel what I am saying is entirely worthless at the moment.

Is there anything I can say that you would like to read?

I feel my words are vacuous. Sometimes I have felt I have had things to say which people might be interested in hearing - but not at the moment. So if I go silent, that's why.

Things are not always as you see them

Like a swan gliding along on the water, there is often much frantic paddling going on beneath the surface. The swan works hard to achieve the illusion of serenity and power.



We see through our own filters. We need to remove our glasses from time to time to see the richness and contrast - not just see it in terms of our own preferred colours.



Looking through the wrong end of binoculars gives us a perception which suggests depth - but without the bigger picture it is meaningless.



And the picture changes over time. People who appeared supportive and understanding, even friendly, can choose to withdraw that connection. They can change the opinion of others - or choose to support the status quo. It's important to compare the present with the past in order to fully understand the current situation.

Another stone

This stone is taking some moving. I'm still very ambivalent about whether it was justifiable for anyone to make the decision for BLPT not to respond to me regarding my complaint, even in the supposed interests of my mental health.

So many past messages have been triggered by this. There's considerable vulnerability for me around the issue of being ignored. There were rules I learnt very thoroughly in childhood, and did not question for many years. Only in therapy sessions did I unpack that box of rules - and only then could I look at whether it was "right" or "helpful" for certain of those rules to have been taught. The conclusions I came to were that no, it was not helpful that I was not allowed to express my views if they disagreed with those of adults around me. The messages I was given around not expressing my emotions were not healthy ones either. Silence - being ignored - not being responded to - these were all sanctions which taught me these particular rules, and it was agreed in therapy that silence used as a weapon was not helpful in my experience.

So how, then, do I reconcile those messages of therapy with what has happened recently? How do I reconcile my understanding that refusing to allow a child to express their emotions and opinions is not a healthy state, with the actions of an organisation which exists to provide care and yet refuses to acknowledge my opinions and emotions? How do I reconcile the use of silence as a tool being unhealthy in one situation and healthy in another?

Equally, the person who helped me to see that these childhood rules were ones which were not helpful and which could be discarded now was the same person who gave clinical advice to ignore me. I don't know how to reconcile that either. I'm grappling with my fragile belief that I have a right to be heard, while at the same time recognising that others are deciding on my behalf that I should not be acknowledged.

Who decides what is right for someone else? When does someone with a mental illness (or any illness) become incapable of making decisions? When is it right for someone who has clinical expertise to contradict the wishes of a patient? I'm sure there are laws and rules about this. I'm equally sure they won't help me to put this stone into place in my wall. For what this comes down to, ultimately, is that I have a right to believe that the decision to ignore me was wrong. However, all I can do is try to explain my point of view. Others have made their decisions and I can't change that. I can put on record that I don't believe ignoring someone is right (especially since nobody informed me of this clinical decision until I asked for an explanation of why BLPT were ignoring my emails.) I can't change what has happened. I'm not sure I can understand it either. Some things are incomprehensible, and I might have to accept that this is one of those things. Accepting that this stone is heavy is an important step to moving it into place in the wall.