Another good day. I lost my non contact because of a whole school activity - oh well. The drama lesson "exceeded expectations" - mine, at any rate!
Have been thinking about the "tea and cake" type meetings The Shrink mentions here. I can see that, now I am in recovery (I hope!) my meetings with the various health professionals I meet with (currently psychiatrist 3 monthly, CMHN monthly, therapist fortnightly, and GP monthly) could degenerate into that type of approach. However, at the moment I feel this contact is really important to me. It's starting to develop into fortnightly appointments (having been weekly for quite some time) and I'm feeling comfortable about the change. I'm hoping to develop it further so that the meetings become monthly, but I don't feel I am "quite there" yet.
Part of this feeling is due to historical issues around abandonment. After the disastrous experiences last time I felt able to reduce contacts (when I ended up with no contacts at all and rapidly deteriorated into crisis) I have been very wary of suggesting my contacts could start to be spaced out. It's a measure of the trust I have form my new CMHT that I am even able to consider this.
It's also a safety net. I discussed this with C tonight and again with my GP today. Having the appointments in place makes me feel safer, and that in turn acts as a barrier against deterioration. Strictly speaking I might not "need" fortnightly appointments at the moment, but knowing they are in place makes me feel able to take risks and feel OK about doing so. It means I know if things do go wrong, I don't have the additional stress of trying to get an appointment to talk about it. (When things are difficult it is even more difficult for me to ask for help, and so I don't do so. If the help is already in place I know I can talk about my needs). So the fortnightly appointments mean that I am less likely to become unwell and need even more support (and probably end up off work).
I struggle with feeling guilty at the help I am getting. However, weighing up the costs, an hour a fortnight is enabling me to be at work full time and not to need as many medications. Surely that has to be a good deal?