Friday, 29 February 2008


Tired of remembering and thinking

want to black out and forget instead

pass the pills

Or maybe the newspaper reports are all right and the pills are a waste of time and money....

i think maybe that me being dissociative is a sign i am angry inside - like mmp wrote about leaving situations where she feels angry. i think this is one way i have of leaving. but right now i don't know how to put into words what i am angry about.


mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi D

Hope you get some rest and recouperation over the weekend, with or without the pills.


Catherine said...

To pill or not to pill, that is the question.

Disillusioned said...

Thanks Mandy.

Not a very restful day today, but it hasn't left me with time to dwell.

Catherine, hugs to you...

MMP said...

Do we actually need to put into words what we're angry about?
I don't.
I just get angry

that sounds soo flippin shallow
it's not meant to be
but it is the utter truth

I sometimes totally can not put into words why I am boiling with seething rage.

And even were I to be able to verbalise this,
would it really be helpful to pour my caustic words into my household's ears?

i think not.

well that's my take on it.
My own pan of fury is best not stirred when its boiling.
Causes distruction.

My aim is lousey and those nearest and dearest get all caught up in the cross fire.

Hence the removal technique.

Ppl don't like it.
But they don't like the alternative even more.

Thank the Good Lord I never leanerd to drive - somedays I would have ended up in Scotland before I calmed down!

Maybe there IS an argument for talking- but IMHO it's best NEVER done when still cross- the fury flies and my aim, is so lousey.

Before you can say jack I've blamed DB for the war in Iraq, the govt failings with their CDs and the NHS. All without drawing breath!

I walk and walk
and I walk on open roads
with street lights.
Used to jog- miles.

Hey. I'm, gabbling.

Hope your day's been a good one.
And if not I hope the damage limitation was successful.

Disillusioned said...

Thank you mmp.

Trouble for me is, though I probably am angry, I don't see it in myself or acknowledge it to myself. Instead I punish myself.

I need to recognise where what i am feeling is anger and THEN I can find (hopefully) a way to deal with it. I really like the idea of walking away. I don't like my current techniques of self harm, etc.

I don't like quite a bit about myself, actually!