Saw one of the female GP's today, about an infection which I saw her about 4 weeks ago which has still not cleared up.
It was difficult.
She is lovely, very kind, but all the abuse things were triggered almost from the start. She wanted to do an exam - had forgotten about the abuse issues - once I reminded her she was good and appropriate and kind and all the rest, but she wanted me to go into details I am not ready to put into words for many people. She wants me to see a different GP about the infection - that ain't gonna happen, not least because I have to wait a week to see her, by which time she is on holiday. Instead I have managed to make an appointment with one of the two GP's I see and trust as "my" GPs.
I asked for stronger sleeping tablets but she refused to prescribe them. I just want some respite from the flashbacks and nightmares.
I did tell her about my situation with the anti-depressants.
I also told her about not knowing where to go next. She told me that D can refer me direct to the psychology services for help with the abuse issues. That the referral is best from her, or from the CMHT. This after knowing I have had psychology input. She said that the psychology people are the ones to help me. She said to ask D to refer me, and to ask her to get in touch with her if D wants to discuss it. She also said the waiting list for psychology is currently down to aobut 3 months, she knew from a meeting she was at recently.
So now I don't know why this has not been suggested already. It may be that D cannot refer me - because she no longer works directly within a CMHT. But then if she is working as a therapist and seeing me as such and has said that she feels I need specialist input, surely all that should have some impact?
So is it the CMHT who have refused to refer me, decided this is not an option for me? Has it been discussed and refused?
D said she wants to contact D and Dr K to discuss next steps, but of course they are on leave. This might be connected. I see her this afternoon and C (my CMHT) tomorrow. I need to find a way of bringing this into the open. But I am so scared to, because if I am told I can't access any more support within the Trust, there is no more psychotherapy option open to me, then I don't know what I will do. I can't fight yet again. I just can't do it. I'm not even sure I can deal with the implications if they present me with this, in terms of my own lack of worth.
So if I am refused, I need to find a way of walking away. D, as my current clinician, has identified a need, which my GP concurs with. If BLPT tell me I have no right to have that need met, then that's the end of it all.