Bleh

So I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.
Some work, some don't.
At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!

Life is full of interesting conflits right now.
The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation which arose from me trying to do another thing I was urged to - be assertive. In fact J and I celebrated the fact that I had been assertive and had expressed my feelings about the pressure being put on many members of staff by the management. I was feeling good about it. Feeling I was making progress.
Then the management responded.
And I switched right back into childhood and childish responses, and self blame, and self harm, and dark dark intentions and thoughts which left my GP wanting to refer me to the crisis team. And to me refusing that offer (which will be no surprise to anyone who read my blog during my previous contact with the mental health team.)

So new meds, revisiting old meds, increased contact with my GP (who IS wonderful) and with J (who is also wonderful). All occuring during the holiday - which is probably a good thing in some ways, but in others is crappy, because being away from work allows me to catastrophise and imagine and think everyone there must hate me... and because it's the holidays and I want to be enjoying and appreciating them.

Oh, and I have a broken tooth so imminent dental work (big trigger) and an "invitation" to make an appointment for a smear test (even bigger trigger) and money is tight and and and...

But there you go.

All kinds of things are conflating at the moment, and I am just working at staying upright and functioning. Compartmentalising to the nth degree. Feeling very uncertain that this will ever end in a good way, but trying to hang ont o the fact that J and my GP both assure me that it will end in a good way and that they will stick by me until it does.

Depression sucks. Just in case you didn't know it.

Friday

All very rough tonight. Hitting the depths. Safety net gone and not sure how to cope with that. I want an escape route but I have thrown the map away.

Phoned a helpline. They suggested I go to bed.

Fast Forward

My GP suggested this is what I need - a FF button to get me through this "lumpy time" (her very perceptive words) of changing meds.

In the meantime she has encouraged me, explained her thinking and tried to help me believe it will all get better soon.

I'm trying to believe her, and supplementing that belief with the new meds, and the old sleeping tablets and anti anxiety medication.

I feel like crying (but can't most of the time), am sleeping poorly, not wanting to eat, feeling like all is grey, and struggling with the old thoughts of self harm and self hatred. Feeling tired all the time doesn't leave much energy for motivation and action. That in turn leads to feeling bad about myself because i don't feel I am getting things done. See, I know it is all a horribly negative cycle - it's just at the moment I can't seem to get myself out of it.

The reality is that I am still at work and doing an OK job. things are getting done, for the most part. Maybe not to the highest standards, but I am planning and delivering lessons. I've even done some marking.

Filing is another matter.

Where I was and where I am

I'm aware that there are people whose blogs I read regularly who are really struggling right now.

I'm aware that 18 months ago I was very much in the place some of them seem to be. It's a horrible place. A frightening place. A desolate and desparate place. I very much remember the certainty I had then that things would never improve, could never improve, and that the future was hopeless for me. It was very very hard to carry on going at times. At times I nearly didn't.
I'm also aware that I have nearly completed a full year at work since that time, with virtually no days off due to mental health issues. (I did take one day off at the end of the Spring term, when things felt dangerously unsafe and I recognised that I needed that space.) I'm very aware of where I was compared to where I am now. It feels slightly odd to remember (quite vividly at times0 how hopeless and helpless I felt then, and to compare that to how I feel now. There are difficult times, but those seem to be times when I recognise that things are slipping, rather than feeling that things are out of control. I have been wondering what has brought about the change. The reality is that there are many many things which ahve helped changes in my life to happen. It would be impossible for me to identify one single thing. Rather it is a combination of small (and some larger) changes which have shifted the balance. I'm grateful for that shift, grateful for the sense of hope for a future where I can deal with my mental health and cope better with any problems which arise. I hope that others who come and read here might also read my blog posts from last year, to see that things can change drastically. Because I know that I would not ahve believed things could change for me, and maybe if others see that they have, it might perhaps give some of them hope that things can change for them.

For those of you walking in the darkness, please keep on walking, even if it is a tiny step at a time. And if you feel you cannot travel any further, then take a break from travelling and allow yourself to rest, but please don't lose hope.

Doing things to pass the time

That's what it feels like at the moment.

I know there are things I could do to make myself feel better (well, possibly; it's hard to believe that last bit right now) but I find it too difficult to do them.

I'm doing a lot of things which pass time - work, computer, TV. Not much that enriches. Can't remember the last time I did any sewing. Not good.

Hoping I have enough reserves to get through the next 2 weeks and then can recover and regroup.

Observer articles

Great articles in the Observer newspaper today concerning mental health. Online here , here, here and here.

All power to Dinesh Bhugra for his comments and for bringing the situation into public debate.

Kubler-Ross stages of grief

(from Wikipedia, of course)
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Currently thinking about this with reference to my childhood. Had a positive but hard session with D today. Lots touched on and discussed, including the spectres I only glimpse faintly at the moment. We talked about whether I want to look more closely at these spectres, and if so how I would do that.

The denial I remember going through in great detail, and for a long time, with my psychologist. I think I got to the point of accepting that what happened wasn't ideal, could have been better. Anger is one I struggle with a lot. Just recognising it is difficult, but I can see how I have turned that anger on myself over the years, which led to (and reflected) my depression. Not sure about the bargaining - mainly because I know there is more I have not faced yet, so bargaining is impossible; I have to be honest with myself and accept things before I can move to that. At the moment I am at grief - shown strongly today. I need to get through that, experience it, and experience the anger turned outward (as I briefly did today). To do that I have to believe it is safe to allow myself to feel and express the anger. I came a step closer to that today, but it was frightening and painful.

Thinking about medication

With all the recent stuff in the news, and given my frequent struggles with taking antidepressants etc, I suppose it is no surprise that this subject is on my mind just now.

At times I go along totally with the view that psychiatric meds are no different to (say) the asthma medications I take daily. Seretide stops me from having an asthma attack. Escitolopram and Trazadone stop me from becoming depressed.

Except that it isn't that simple, is it?

I suppose I can discount the "stigma" element to some extent. After all, there are few people who have a "need to know" that I am on antidepressants, and even then few people would probably see it as an issue. I don't see asthma meds as carrying stigma. Of course, it isn't the medication which is the problem, in truth; it's having the mental "weakness" which leads me to suffer from depression / anxiety at irregular intervals. (Not that I feel that other people with mental illnesses are weak, you understand - I reserve that "judgement" for myself alone).

However, there are other issues with the antidepressants I take. I'm sure Seretide has some side effects, but I haven't found them (fortunately!) In contrast, I do have experience of a variety of side effects from the variety of antidepressants I have been prescribed over the years.
My experience of asthma medications is that, while one may be more convenient than another, they have all been more or less equally effective. In contrast, finding the "right" antidepressant seems to be a hit and miss affair.
Add to that the recent suggestions that antidepressants are ineffective (even though I have also read numerous comments describing how the research may have been flawed) and that they are no more effective than a placebo, and my decision to stay on the medications I am taking becomes questionable, dubious. Am I fooling myself and using up precious resources which could be better spent on others? I don't know.
I do know that when I have tried to reduce antidepressants, I get to a certain point and start deteriorating mentally. That deterioration could, however, be explained by other pressures. Who can tell with mental illness.

I suppose a lot of it comes back to the subjectiveness of mental health, to the fact that it cannot be observed and quantified as (for example) a broken leg or asthma can be. But I am left struggling again with my use of medication.

What's it like?

A comment on Lake Cocytus' blog by Medically Brunette has me thinking about how to convey to those who have never experienced depression what it is like. She wrote of her frustration with a friend who suffers from depression; Shrink wrote of the issues he faces with people who come to him wanting to be made to feel happy again, and of his inability to treat "unhappiness" as opposed to depression.

Depression has, in my opinion, become an overused word. For myself, I am very aware of when I feel low or sad or unhappy, and of how different it is to feeling depressed. I've written more than enough in this blog of my experiences of depression; I'll endeavour not to repeat that here. As it happens, yesterday I was putting together some information for the pupil who sent me the email I wrote about yesterday. He is going to read this information; his school are requiring that he writes a personal response to it. So I was searching yesterday for information to give him. Alongside the statistics and the factual information about what depression is, what causes it, how it can be treated etc, I really wanted to provide him with some insights into what it is like to experience depression. I know it is different for everyone, and so I have tried to provide several accounts. Here are some which stood out for me.

The excellent DIPEx site has personal accounts from those who have experienced a variety of medical conditions. A newish addition is accounts of depression.

One contributor made, for me, very powerful comparisons between his experience of depression and his encounter with cancer:
Four or five years ago I was diagnosed as having cancer, and I made comparisons between having cancer and having depression. And cancer is [pause] there is so much help and people are so kind, particularly the professionals because they are geared up. They know the emotional problems people have. And there's a lot of backup. And I've received kindnesses beyond words [pause]. But with depression that's a different ball game really. And [pause] its…The two are so different. One is at one end of the scale, and one at the other. It's the loneliness and the feeling of being utterly down and out with depression. With cancer you can say, "Oh, I've got to have a treatment, lets see if that does any good.” And there is a sort of progression. But being involved inside the depression, you can't see the wood for the trees, and you depend on people close to you to point the things out that you are unaware of. So you are sort of running in blinkers with depression, which isn't the case with cancer. And I've found that people, not everybody, but lots of people involved in helping people with depression can say quite hurtful things. And that you're in a pretty low ebb when you've got it anyway, so I've found that much more difficult.

The depths of depression, being unable to think and reason, were among my own blackest times:
The deep depression, I feel physiologically different, I have this sort of pressure around my brain, you know I feel that someone's got their hands inside there. I feel confused, I don't function properly.


This account resonated for me with my own reasons for not killing myself:
Because I just thought I can't bear another day of feeling the way I feel, and thinking there is no end to it. And I think what stopped me was that I couldn't figure out....I mean I'd worked out how I could kill myself. You know, I knew I'd got enough tablets of various sorts in the house for me to easily overdose. And if I did it just after the kids had gone to school, I would certainly been gone by the time they came. But I didn't want them to find me, and I couldn't work out how to do it without them being the ones that would find me. That I didn't want to happen.

Finally (for now), a well written account of a struggle with depression in the aftermath of Katrina is found here.

Why post this? Well, maybe someone stumbling here might find something which gives them a glimpse into what it is like to struggle with depression.

Consequences

The ex-pupil who sent me yesterday's email came into his old school today to apologise to me. We met with the deputy head teacher and his mother.

He began with an apology, but also with an attempt to evade his responsibility for his actions. He claimed it "just happened", that he "didn't know" why he did it. I pointed out that he had made a choice to log on to his old school email account, made the choice of sending me an email, said that he had chosen to type the words he had, said that he had made the decision to sign the email with another pupil's name. I pointed out that he had chosen a subject line which made it more likely that I would read his email.

I told him that his saying sorry didn't make it OK. that I wouldn't tell him it was OK, because it wasn't. I told him something of what it is like to have depression. I told him how at times I have not wanted to live any more, and I told him that I have carried on working while I was really ill.

I explained to him how I felt doubly hurt by his actions because I believed we had a relationship based on mutual respect. I reminded him that I had encouraged his interest in ICT and had helped him to develop his skills (often in my own time).

His Mum was fantastic - very down the line with him. She told him that she was ashamed of him. She apologised to me, saying that she felt it was her fault - and I told her it was her son's decision to do what he did. She said he has lost the use of his computer, lost internet access at home, as a result of what he did. I suggested he should do some reading around depression and what it was like and his mum said he would do this.

The deputy head then contacted the school this pupil now attends, with which we have close lins. They have been fantastic. He has apparently been causing concern recently anyway, and had been internally excluded yesterday for other actions. He has now been excluded from school for 5 days. When he returns he will have a mentor and extra guidance. The school are also going to give him some materials on depression (which I will supply) and he will have to write a personal response to them. The school have also removed his Internet privileges for the foreseeable future.

Then I fell apart a bit, needed time to recover. Other staff were fantastic - and have been throughout the day. I have had nothing but validation, support and sympathy. That (and the comments here, and the response from the boy's mother, my school management and his school's management, have all helped me to believe I didn't deserve to be treated like this. I still don't feel angry about this - maybe that will come - but mostly I feel confused and hurt and guilty. That needs unpacking still.

It's been hard at times today to stay grounded. Fortunately I had a gym session booked tonight; I got there early and did some cardio and weights on my own, then spent the booked time doing some Yoga. That really helped.

Hard stuff

It feels like there has been a lot of that today and i have to say I feel quite overwhelmed and inadequate tonight. Valium in use; Zopiclone planned.

I received an email from an ex-pupil today, on my work email. Its title was calculated to get me to read it: "Please read". Have to say I have my email on the school website and make it available to pupils; am always happy to respond to pupils, whether "chatty" or teaching and learning orientated. It's part, for me, of making myself available. But today this was one consequence:

are you stil going mad????have you been in rehab recently???hope you are feeling better

It was signed - but not in the name of the (now ex) pupil who was issued with this "school" email account.
Turns out it was from a pupil who was in my tutor group 2 years ago.
As part of PSHE lessons we looked at mental health. I was "upfront" in stating I had personal (past) experience of depression. This in the context of "mental illness has similarities to other illnesses". This in the hope that I could enable the "one in four" who would at some point encounter mental health issues to be aware they are not alone. In some idealistic hope of letting pupils know that "normal" people can also need help with mental health.

So then this email. Calculated. Hurtful. From a very "techically savvy" pupil who I encouraged and spent a lot of time supporting.
The ex-pupil's parents have been contacted by the deputy head.
The pupil wishes to see me and apologise to me tomorrow morning.
He has told the deputy that "It just happened". He "didn't think". He's "really sorry and wants to apologise."

My response (not sure how much I will manage to say).

- I don't accept that it "just happened." The title of the email, and the fact that you signed it with the name of another pupil, suggest otherwise. They both suggest forethought and a desire to hurt and mislead.
- How dare you assume that I would take at face value the signature?!
- What an insult to the effort I put in to helping you, teaching you HTML, encouraging you in your ICT studies.
-Online harassment is a criminal offence.

Actually what I feel is guilt that I thought this individual was someone I built up a relationship with. I feel this must somehow be my fault. I feel I was foolish to admit any sign of weakness. I'm allowing this to reflect more on me than on them.


In other "hard stuff" today I had a session with D which was very useful even with the hard stuff. I told her about a flashback I had which was very much hard stuff. She gave me notes (written by someone else) about a joint session we had - that is more hard stuff.

Valium and Zopiclone and alcohol are my friends tonight.

Thoughts and memories

I was reading here

It reminded me

in a rather scary way

of what was and what may yet be.



For when Mike says of his son, "Sam found it difficult to contribute anything relevant", I really remembered being there. No, I don't have schitzophrenia. But I do remember times when I have been similarly trapped inside, and, no matter how much I have wanted to, I have been able to contribute anything to meetings about my needs and my care. It's a very frightening place for me to be - and I suspect similarly disconcerting for those around me. Trapped inside myself, I know there are words to express how I am feeling but I am unable to articulate them. Sometimes those around me have been able to offer me a key to unlock, however briefly, the door. Sometimes not. Sometimes I must have seemed impossible to help. Sometimes I have felt it impossible that I can ever escape the internal prison. So far I have (eventually) managed it. I know, at some point, I am likely to be back in that prison again. This is a kind of life sentence I am under, with periodic episodes of time-limited release. As yet I can't see fully what the crimes are which will return me to prison. When that enlightenment comes, maybe I will be able to avoid those particular mistakes. Until I can find the way to avoid imprisonment, I am likely to need the help of those who can pass me the key to unlock myself.

And yes, all this is in a strange way part of mindfulness - for I have to learn to live with the possibility of a return of depression / anxiety. Otherwise worrying about it will drive me into it.

Working at it...

My mood has since my optimistic points of last week. Have used my new short Wrap to try to check up on myself, and to take the needed steps.

Reasons for the dip are plenty. PMT has a lot to answer for. Combined with the end of the holidays it wasn't going to be a good recipe for peaceful (and much needed) sleep, and so a return to the Zopiclone has taken place - it's better than the alternative. Today probably (!) didn't help; hopefully tomorrow will. I need to avoid the atmosphere of negativity in the staffroom if I can - it drags me down. I need to look on it as an opportunity to catch up on the backlog of marking - if I can find somewhere quiet to work, I should be able to get through a lot of marking, which would be a very good thing. I think making a "To Do" list will be a priority first thing, along with sourcing that quiet working place. Filing would be another useful task and would, I think, help me to feel a lot more in control. It will be a long day; I have to stay around the school area until 5pm, as E has an after school Science session.

Tonight I am going to try to relax, and also to do some self nurturing. Have one of my CDs on (loud!) and am going to catch up on emails and maybe some genealogy.

Noticing lots of new visitors here - please feel free to post a note in the comments; it would be good to know some new names and would give me a boost too. Previous visitors also please feel free to say hi...!

Anger work

Have got a new book from the library: Managing Anger by Gail Lindenfield.

Here's what she writes about problems caused by burying anger, and the reasons for this:

Anthony Storr: "They hate those whom they love since they cannot get from them what they really need, and since they dare not show this hate for fear of losing even that which they have, they turn it inwards against themselves."

Anthony Storr explained how and why depressives first start turning thein anger inwards. The very first feelings of anger and frustration which they felt were usually in response to physical or emotional abuse or neglect from parents or parent figures. In these original, pattern-setting relationships, they were actually powerless and very unsafe.
Unfortunately, the depressive's originally useful way of coping with anger can become a habit which they then use inappropriately and indiscriminately whenever they perceive a loss or frustration - even when they have no real cause to feel powerless or frightened. So that by the time they reach adulthood you can hear them blaming themselves for all sorts of unjust hurts.

I read this and felt shivers up and down my spine. Because that is so like me. So are her examples of how people like this behave. I've done them all, frequently do most of them. And then, a little later, she writes:
They have probably lost sight of the hurts and frustrations which originally gave rise to the depression. Ask them what is wrong and they will usually reply, "I don't know" or "Nothing"; ask them if anyone or anything has upset them and they will insist, "No, it's just me." And ask them if you can help and they will usually say, "No, just leave me alone."
But we mustn't forget that, unlike the manipulative aggressor, the person who is in a state of depression is not "trying it on" - they actually have forgotten the hurt, they can no longer feel the anger, they do think they are powerless, and do honestly believe that no one can help them.

Then Gill Lindenfield suggests "reprogramming your mind to think more positively about anger". So this is where I am beginning to work.
My Assertive Anger Rights
1. I have a right to feel angry when I am frustrated.
2. I have a right to feel angry when I am disheartened.
3. I have a right to feel angry when I am hurt.
4. I have a right to feel angry when I am attacked.
5. I have a right to feel angry when I am oppressed.
6. I have a right to feel angry when I am exploited.
7. I have a right to feel angry when I am manipulated.
8. I have a right to feel angry when I am cheated.
9. I have a right to feel angry when my needs are ignored.
10. I have a right to feel angry when I am let down.
11. I have a right to feel angry when I am rejected.
12. I have a right to feel angry when my health, welfare, happiness or peace is threatened.
13. I have a right to feel angry when my survival is threatened.
14. I have a right to feel angry when I see other people's rights being abused or threatened.
15. I have a right to feel angry when I see anything which I value being abused or threatened.
16. I have a right to feel angry when I lose someone or something which I value.
17. I have the right to expres my anger safely and assertively.
18. I have the right to choose not to express my anger and to accept responsiblity for any consequences of my choice.
19. I have the right to encourage others to express their anger safely and assertively.
20. I have the right to protect myself from the passive or aggressive anger of others.

My task now is to read and reread this list, making notes as I do. I can cross out or add to parts of the list.
Then I need to make a list of people whom I observe owning these rights and using their anger in a safe constructive way.
Then I can mark the rights I consider most relevant to me and my life, noting down specific examples.
Finally in this section I am to select one of these rights to focus on for the next week. Note down examples of it being upheld and abused by others and myself.

That should keep me going, then!

On crises

Had another good meeting today, this time with my new CPN, C. We went through my WRAP plan, and from it created a new, short WRAP - something I can use as a daily checklist possibly, certainly as a checklist when I meet with her, and aimed at stopping me from deteriorating into crisis.

This, together with the appointment I had yesterday with Dr K, and a post Mandy has made on her blog, have me thinking about crisis prevention, relapse prevention. I now feel I have a set of tools coming together which hopefully can be used to stop me from deteriorating in future. It strikes me that this is not how things have historically worked for me, or the way that Mental Health is focused at present. There is a lot of talk about the Recovery Model, and help is usually provided for those who deteriorate into mental health crisis. Such was my experience over Christmas when the involvement of the local Crisis Team played a major part in helping me to cope in the midst of my own crisis, and in recovering from it. Mandy is finding that help for her Dad is now being provided. However, it all seems to come too late.

Why can't the resources be put in at an earlier stage? Common sense would suggest that this would be a much cheaper option to providing crisis treatment, often at great expense in hospital. It would also be of massive benefit to people's long term mental health - not only in terms of preventing a distressing crisis, but in terms of making them feel they are worthwhile and can be successful. It would prevent a lot of sickness absence; apparently mental health issues are the second largest cause of time lost due to illness in the UK. It could remove the need for higher doses of expensive medication. All of these would save money. My experience is that once I go into crisis it takes time and effort to get out of it. How much better to avoid the crisis in the first place.

I accept that I have an illness which, statistically speaking, is now almost certain to recur for me. It's clear that I have some kind of predisposition to depression and anxiety. This may be biological, may be behavioural, may be a result of my experiences. It's almost certainly acombination of all three. So what I need is a way of recognising my early warning signs and tackling them, while addressing all three factors in terms of prevention, as far as is possible.

The biological aspects can be addressed, as Dr K suggested yesterday, by proactively increasing my anti-depressants at times when, historically, I am prone to deterioration. For me this is closely linked to the seasons. I recognise this is not the case for everyone, but suspect many of those of us who struggle with mental health can identify certain times when we are more vulnerable. The behavioural and historical aspects have been and are being addressed by talking therapies. And underpinning all three is the need for monitoring. That's what I hope my new short WRAP will help provide. Initially that will be with the help of C. Hopefully at some point I will be able to monitor it myself. But I also need the certainty that, should I notice signs that things are not going well, I can access the support I then need. That has not always been my experience, and that is what we should all be entitled to. If a professional (or in my case, several professionals including GP, counsellor and psychiatrist) recommend that access to further support is merited, then that support should be available. Maybe that way crises can be managed and minimised, if not avoided altogether.

Good day

Started with a session at the gym. Hard work, but satisfying.

Then straight on to an outpatient appointment with my psychiatrist. That was also very positive. Lots to fill him in on, including how things fell apart over Christmas, Crisis team involvement, etc, but also how things are now(much better, in case you hadn't noticed). We got into a lot of very useful discussion about why things went wrong, why things are better and how to keep them that way, particularly when winter draws in next year. We identified that lack of light is definitely a problem, particularly when added to other stresses. The major stress this year (and I am sure the reason why I went downhill in November/December rather than my usual February / March time slot) was all the issues with BLPT and my horrendous experience of the complaints process. Add in to that D telling me she was leaving, Christmas, lack of light, work pressures and it becomes clear. But I am very clear that the actions of BLPT in reference to my complaint led to my becoming so very unwell.

Why am I doing better now? I have huge pressure at work at the moment but am coping with it (largely by recognising that a lot of the requirements are stupidly impossible). The complaints process is beyond me now, and with all the records I am managing to get hold of (thanks to the immense helpfulness of the Information governance department at BLPT) I am gradually pulling together an understanding of what really went on, rather than the version BLPT has tried to fob me off with. I can also see that certain things have changed - new systems have been put in by IG, and from the notes I have read it is apparent that certain people were "encouraged" to justify their actions. The increased daylight really helps - over the last few days I have felt myself wanting to soak it up. I've come to terms (I hope) with D not being my care coordinator - thank goodness I am still seeing her, otherwise I think it would be a different story. So all of that has helped. The work I am doing with D is also helping a great amount, by putting me more in touch with my emotions. I talked about all of this with Dr K today, and it was really helpful. So was his recognition of the problem winter causes for me, and his suggestion that we act pro-actively next year, by raising the level of one of my antidepressants before I start going downhill. As he said, once I start on the slippery slope it is much harder for me to climb back up.

While at the hospital I also saw S, my previous CC. It was really good to catch up with her, to fill her in on where I am now (and some of what has happened) and to make it clear to her that there was nothing personal to her in my request to be transferred to another team. I think she already appreciated that, but it was good to have her acknowledge that the summer was very difficult for me.

Then I came home, picked the girls up and we went into town. Lunch in town was pleasant, and we all benefitted from a trip to the bookshop! Then on for a happy two hours or so at The Kiln, our local pottery painting centre. I painted a tray for our plants; H did a mirror and E a plate. Good fun. Maybe I will post pictures when we get them back after firing.

Overwhelmed...

... so much to do and i am not sure where to start.

I want to change but don't know how to. I can see what went wrong but not how to repair it. I can see I need to change the way I think but I don't know how to do it, and I don't know how to learn to recognise my own emotions. How pathetic is that?

I want to help my friend but don't know how to. Her depression scares me because I know how it feels. I feel driven to try to help - but know that doing things is probably not the answer, for her or for me.

I want to do my job well but don't know how to. Especially when we are told "Do this, do that, do the other, and don't forget the monitoring".
But the time to do this, that and the other is not there. Nor is the promised time for the monitoring.
When I ask about this I am made to feel guilty.
And we are told we are not being asked to do more, just to do differently - but nobody will tell me what it is I can stop doing in order to do the new things.

There is too much on this week (something every night) ... and this weekend ... and next week too ... and I am losing my "handle" on what each task is, where and when I need to be.

I just feel overloaded. I want things to stop.

Long, long day

Just got in, having left home this morning at 7.30.

Long day of teaching. Two hour after school meeting. Then straight on to elder daughter's school to find out about sixth form options.
Good moments - hearing how wel she is doing, having other staff praise her.

And the not so good moments...
My closest friend at work, someone who like me struggles with depression - fell apart today.
I held her while she cried.
For a while I coped with it by doing - helping to arrange things (as far as I could - not very far).

Tonight I am being and it is hard being where I am. In her I saw, today, where I was, where I am so close to being, and that is scary. I heard her saying things I know I feel, believe, deep down in myself in the darkest times and places. I hurt for her, I hurt with her, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do. There's a lot I want to do, but nothing I can do. Seeing her hurting, feeling, the rawness and despair of it all - I know where I am, where I have been and where I will be again.

It's not just me, then?

I read this article in our Sunday paper today. Then had to find it online. There's an ache inside me that others have such similar experiences to me. It's not like I didn't know, just that this says so much that I could have said, that I have felt. The despair, the guilt, the self blame - the feeling that I have nothing to be depressed about. Now I know - others feel that too. It doesn't make it OK. But it makes it a little easier.

Sorry

Just, sorry.

Not getting it at all at the moment.

That's tying in to all kinds of old messages and schemas. Particularly those centring around my stupidity for not being able to understand.

I want to follow the rules. I'm trying to do the "right things". But I don't seem to understand what those are just now.

School tomorrow just feels so impossible. There's a rumour of snow - a really heavy snowfall overnight (of the type which would force our rural school to close due to the impossibility of running bus services) would be very welcome right now - or overnight at least.

But that's me being stupid.