Bleh

So I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.
Some work, some don't.
At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!

Life is full of interesting conflits right now.
The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation which arose from me trying to do another thing I was urged to - be assertive. In fact J and I celebrated the fact that I had been assertive and had expressed my feelings about the pressure being put on many members of staff by the management. I was feeling good about it. Feeling I was making progress.
Then the management responded.
And I switched right back into childhood and childish responses, and self blame, and self harm, and dark dark intentions and thoughts which left my GP wanting to refer me to the crisis team. And to me refusing that offer (which will be no surprise to anyone who read my blog during my previous contact with the mental health team.)

So new meds, revisiting old meds, increased contact with my GP (who IS wonderful) and with J (who is also wonderful). All occuring during the holiday - which is probably a good thing in some ways, but in others is crappy, because being away from work allows me to catastrophise and imagine and think everyone there must hate me... and because it's the holidays and I want to be enjoying and appreciating them.

Oh, and I have a broken tooth so imminent dental work (big trigger) and an "invitation" to make an appointment for a smear test (even bigger trigger) and money is tight and and and...

But there you go.

All kinds of things are conflating at the moment, and I am just working at staying upright and functioning. Compartmentalising to the nth degree. Feeling very uncertain that this will ever end in a good way, but trying to hang ont o the fact that J and my GP both assure me that it will end in a good way and that they will stick by me until it does.

Depression sucks. Just in case you didn't know it.

Fast Forward

My GP suggested this is what I need - a FF button to get me through this "lumpy time" (her very perceptive words) of changing meds.

In the meantime she has encouraged me, explained her thinking and tried to help me believe it will all get better soon.

I'm trying to believe her, and supplementing that belief with the new meds, and the old sleeping tablets and anti anxiety medication.

I feel like crying (but can't most of the time), am sleeping poorly, not wanting to eat, feeling like all is grey, and struggling with the old thoughts of self harm and self hatred. Feeling tired all the time doesn't leave much energy for motivation and action. That in turn leads to feeling bad about myself because i don't feel I am getting things done. See, I know it is all a horribly negative cycle - it's just at the moment I can't seem to get myself out of it.

The reality is that I am still at work and doing an OK job. things are getting done, for the most part. Maybe not to the highest standards, but I am planning and delivering lessons. I've even done some marking.

Filing is another matter.

Tired

Feeling very tired and (hence) low tonight. Stressful meeting at work yesterday didn't help - tempers running high, more demands, implied criticisms. Lessons went well; good responses from pupils and some difficult situations managed. Worked with some staff after school to help them with computer issues - we made progress.
Following my session with J last week I am working hard at maintaining a protective bubble around myself. At times it is pushed and stretched, but I can see the benefits. It's very much about self-protection from some elements which I can find toxic and stressful. It's a good mechanism for me to use. It doesn't come naturally to me, however, and the self-doubt and self-criticism still intrude. (Most of the time I don't need external criticism - I can provide my own self-criticism with little aid from others, and with the help of historical voices).
Tonight my aim is to chill out a bit and get an early night. Then get through tomorrow and make the most of my consultancy day. I have an interview on Friday - to confirm (I hope!) the work I am doing already. I have masses of paperwork I need to get together before that - and that is stressful to me. As I keep telling staff, I don't "do" paper very well; I am much better with electronic files.
Tiredness is in the air and I need to find ways of maintaining my positive approach. That's easier in the classroom than outside of it. Pacing myself is an important consideration too.
Ah well.

End of week 1

A successful day, I think. I managed to be fairly assertive with our technician without getting into a confrontation. I have the data I need in order to add pupils to the learning platform. Got frustrated a few times - with waiting around for someone who said they wanted to see me but was then too busy doing other things... When time is short, it's hard to be hanging around waiting. Waiting isn't my strong point - I like to do, to sort, to finish...

The last lesson of the day wasn't brilliant. A difficult class, who had just had PE, and before that a wet lunchtime (so they were indoors - not good), and the end of the day, end of the week. Decided on reflecting that I had done all I could to make the lesson successful - it was down to them, not me. Ah well. A new week on Monday.

More positively I went to the gym after work, and a friend came round - we had a great gossip. And it is the weekend. I don't have to get up early tomorrow. I can take some time to go in to town, maybe choose some books, do some shopping... All good.

On Tuesday I see J again. All good.

First consultancy day

It was really refreshing. Meeting with people who were enthusiastic and informed, sharing ideas, generating ideas - being treated as an adult.
Having time to follow things through, to create more contacts, to set up meetings in time I could spare.
Developing initial ideas, putting plans in place.
Phoning people to offer help and being appreciated.
Working without being disturbed to do something else.

It was all good.

Another good one

In fact, I had the best night's sleep last night that I have had in ages. That helped!

Three teaching lessons, two non teaching today. All the lessons went well - I enjoyed them and the pupils seemed to as well. I even managed to sit down (very briefly!) at one point. Technology was more of my friend today than yesterday - though I seemed to spend quite a lot of time sorting out other people's technical issues! (Funny - I thought that was what the technicians were supposed to do....)

More positive feedback from colleagues - particularly about the ICT lessons I have prepared. They were very appreciative that everything is provided for them in terms of lesson plans and resources.

The one fly in the ointment is semi-technical; I am involved in a project in school (and, in a consultancy role, across the county) which needs pupils to be entered onto a system. There's a quick way to do this (would take me about a couple of hours max) and a slow way. The slow way is more efficient, since data would be automatically updated as pupils enter or leave the school, but it will (it seems) take a month or more to set up. I was promised the pupils would all be entered onto the system in the first two weeks of term. Now they won't be. I'm tearing my hair out because it has huge implications for me, both in terms of lessons I have planned (using this project as a tool) and in terms of my role in the project. It's VERY frustrating.

Bleh cough splutter hiding

In a bit of a hibernation stage again.

Still struggling with a cold (or possibly flu, given the temperature, aches, etc). Not managing to be very physically active right now - or even mentally so!

On the other hand I did go to a sewing day yesterday. Nearly came home again, but dosed myself up fully and survived and enjoyed. Haven't yet found the energy to take phones of the three bags I made, but was very pleased with all of them.

Am also enjoying the Olympic gymnastics coverage. Have planned more lessons, with lots and lots of associated resources. Questioning a bit whether the time input is worth it, but I think the lessons will be fun to teach. It's a bit of a payoff situation - the class I will be teaching (in fact the whole year group) has a heck of a reputation for being difficult so I am trying to stack things in my favour by putting in as much interest and structure as possible, with a massive range of different activities. It should make the lessons (and the marking) easier, but it does mean a massive time commitment on planning. Admittedly I have been watching TV while planning, but have spent the whole afternoon on this and have got 5 lessons and associated resources done. Hmmmm. But then, if I had spent more time doing and less watching TV and chatting to my family I might have got more done - but also had less fun!

Eight more days

That's how much of this school year is left. When I get on to counting the hours, it's time to worry.
I'm going through the motions now - living from day to day and lesson to lesson. I have to sit down tonight and formulate some kind of plan for my Maths lessons for the rest of this week - not easy. The rest of my lessons are "planned" - using that word in its loosest sense! I also need to finish off marking some work in preparation for my last ever lesson with certain classes. The timetable finishes next Wednesday after the first lesson, so for some classes from now on it will be my last session with them.

I also saw my new timetable today. It's OK. I have kept my Year 8 English (which I was under threat of losing) and my Year 8 ICT too. Those are good. Not so good is that I will not be teaching ICT in Y5 or Y7 next year - which is hard for me as ICT subject leader. Also not so good is that I will not get a non-teaching lesson each day, which has been an important part of my survival this year. However, the day on which I do not get a free lesson is Friday, and as the week pans out that looks manageable, so that will not be too major a problem, I hope. The other issue I already knew about, which is that I will continue to teach maths in Year 7 - my least confident subject and the one I have to do most preparation for. So all in all I am quite pleased.

Today was Sports Day. We weren't rained off, thannk goodness, though it was close. It's over for another year.

The rest of the week is "normal" in school (or as normal is it can be at this time of year). Lots going on at home though.

I recognise that I am struggling a bit, just in terms of general tiredness. Felt very tearful today - no obvious reason. Slightly disconnected at times too. Need to hang on to the grounding. Am not going to the gym tonight due to exhaustion. That may or may not be a good thing. I need to put in an alternative nurturing activity; perhaps I may have a bath in a while. Fich and chips takeaway tonight - yum!

Meetings

It's been an odd day of meetings today. Our oldest pupils were out of school so I have only had one "normal" lesson to teach. For the rest of the day I was in meetings. Profitable ones; in the morning, I sat down with a colleague and we wrote an outline of our teaching units for one year group in ICT. It was so useful to be able to do it with her and to bounce ideas off each other; I'm happy with the things we have come up with. Now I just have to change those into a scheme. Then this afternooon I met with colleagues from our feeder lower schools and we discussed what we all do in ICT, new ways of working together for the benefit of our pupils and shared some resources. All very good.
Sadly I have not been on top form. Had a really bad night last night and have had a headache all day - direct connection, I am sure. So tired. Heading for the sleeping tablets and bed now.

Oh boy!

I am tired. Energy reserves are low and I am finding it hard right now. Not in terms of feeling depressed, just so so tired.

Today was another manic day at the office. Full on teaching day. We are trying out an adjustment to the school day (just in terms of when the breaks happen) and that makes things different - and different at this time of the term isn't always good, though I have to say the change seems to make the morning go faster. Morning lessons went OK - English and ICT. Pushed the boat out in ICT and introduced some of the pupils to their new Learning Platform accounts, which they loved. Of course, it was stressful for me because a couple of accounts needed sorting out to make them work properly. However, that was OK.

First lesson after lunch should have been Maths. Only the fire bell went, within five minutes of the lesson starting. We all knew it wasn't a drill - the head teacher, deputy and one of the two assistant heads were all out of school for the day! So we had the whole school on the playground, all asking us what was going on. We had to wait for the fire brigade to come in and clear the building. Turned out that the glass across one of the alarm points had been broken. Later turned out that it was an accident. But a huge disruption to the lesson, and to the next too because the pupils were so unsettled. Ah well. The good thing is that I don't need to plan my next Maths lesson, because I can do the one I should have done today!

Tomorrow our oldest pupils are visiting the schools they will be attending in September, which will result in an easier teaching day for me. In the afternoon I am chairing a meeting with our feeder schools, looking at assessment in ICT. Am looking forward to that - it will be good to meet with staff and hopefully profitable too.

Weary

Feeling very weary just now. Telling myself that it is the time of the month / end of term / culmination of pressures isn't really helping so am resorting to gritting my teeth and pushing through it. Of course, there's a limit to how long I can do that.

Three weeks to the end of term.

A bit of a wobble

Had a bit of a wobble over the last couple of days. Nothing major, and I have done my best to tackle it by looking at the causes and taking the action I could. But for a couple of days I have felt quite low, a return of the grey cloud.

There's a huge amount going on at work, just from the end of term approaching fast (yippee!) That means reports, trips out, trying to catch up on marking and assessments and all that stuff. Add to that the fact that I am determined to have the learning platform ready for pupils to use. That adds a lot to my work; there are four of us who are administrators but only two of us actually seem to be doing anything, and the other one is completely snowed under with other responsiblities at the moment. So a lot is down to me and I am trying to push things through (like getting pupil users added before September).
Then there is the fact that I have been asked whether I would be prepared to take a secondment for one day a week next year, working to support other schools, and to apply for this post. I'd love it; my head has agreed I can, and I now need to go through the process.
A side issue to this is how my timetable will change to accommodate it; the deputy head has discussed one solution with me which I am really not happy with, so am hoping he can come up with a change (I suggested a couple). His suggestion would involve me dropping the subject I am most qualified in, enjoy the most and have created tons of resources for this year.
H is changing schools this year and E moving in to 6th form - that brings its own challenges. Socially both girls have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks too, which brings added pressures.
I have physical issues going on at the moment. Saw the GP (not able to see either of my usual ones) yesterday and she was good, but it was very difficult to talk about. Hopefully she has given me something to knock it on the head.
Still waiting for a response from the Healthcare Commission.
I'm being kept very well informed by BLPT about the investigation into the poor state of my clinical records; those have been looked at by the Chief Operating Officer who has sent them back to the CMHT to be sorted out properly. However, that too is still in hand.
And, of course, the computer stuff hasn't helped. It took me the whole afternoon to find and copy our emails from the old hard drive and put them onto our new machine. Because we are using Vista the transfer was more complicated (of course!) and I couldn't just export the messages (tried to but it didn't work). So in the end I had to copy them all onto an external drive, folder by folder, and then drag them into our new Windows Mail set ups. Finding them was a nightmare; transferring them even worse! Thank goodness that is now done. The good news is that the hard drives seem fine, though I couldn't boot up Windows on E's machine from the old drive. That may be down to the different motherboard and CPU set up, though. I suspect the CPU/ motherboard on the old machine has died. Not sure whether we will try to rebuild it though.

So that is a summary of where things are for me at the moment. Courtesy of sleeping tablets I had my first decent night's sleep in a long while last night and that has made me feel better. Today I am going in to town with the girls; H needs a dress for her end of term dance and E still needs to get a necklace and bag for her prom. My treat is a trip to the library, though I may look at getting myself another summer dress too.

Farmington

Just got home from Oxford and my head is buzzing. So many new ideas, so many interestingpieces of research. I saw Story Bags, Story sacks and assembly resources. I heard about (and thought about making) links with other schools to enhance shildren's understanding of other religions. I've been told about online timeline creators, online brochure makers and floor planners (yes, all in connection to RE!) And I have been wined and dined and made to feel valued. It's been great.

In need of a breathing space

Today has been a(nother) full on day and I am feeling rather breathless. I suspect I am slightly in danger of being overwhelmed - it's good that I have the Farmington weekend as a full break this weekend. Looking forward to a time of no demands.

Today has been full of them (demands). A busy morning of teaching (enjoyable though it was) culminated in a stressful lesson with one challenging class, where a group of pupils appeared to be going out of their ways to be as obstreperous and incapable as they possibly could. I suspect getting me to do their work for them was top of their agenda.
A short lunch time followed, with the early arrival of the ICT advisor (his arrival on time would have meant I had half an hour for lunch; as it was I was still eating as he arrived). that was followed by the arrival of his boss (the regional KS3 ICT advisor) and his boss's boss (a senior National advisor for KS3 ICT). Ostensibly they were monitoring the work of the consultant, but needless to say I did feel rather on the spot. They posed some challenging (and interested) questions, professed themselves very impressed with what I was doing and planning, and left - but the discussion was wide ranging, covered a multitude of areas and required me to think on my feet a lot. Needless to say, the hour I spent after that with the consultant did not produce the quality of work we both hoped it would - I think both of us had worn ourselves out rather.

So (with yesterday's therapy session and all) I am feeling rather shattered tonight. Elder daughter had a bit of an emotional collapse - fortunately a brief one - earlier on, which I can only put down to post GCSE reaction, and I feel like I could do the same at the moment. Instead I will go and pack a case, I think!

good stuff

Had something nice happen today. Can't say anything yet, but it was good. Made me feel valued and opened new doors in terms of jobs.

The rest of the day was OK too. English lesson was only OK - the perils of teaching a new unit, especially when that unit has been planned by someone else. But it was OK, and we progressed. Did some more stuff in ICT around collaborative learning, using the new learning platform. That was fun too - and the pupils responded enthusiastically. Looking forward to analysing the results, and to doing more. Maths lesson was comfortable for me - the pupils worked really well and I didn't feel on edge. Not sure feeling like that would be a good thing all of the time, but it is nice for a week or so.

Tomorrow looks like being good too - a few changes to normal routines and some straightforward stuff.

Playing with new technology

I had a stimulating day at work yesterday. I had the support of one of our ICT advisors for the morning. We spent two hours working and talking together, and he spent an hour in the classroom with me.



We tried to use the new learning platform in the lesson, which unfortunately didn't work due to technical issues. (However, I tried again this afternoon, after he had gone, and found my way round the technology this time!) The learning platform is an online protected space where pupils can put work. It also has tools such as a message board, and it was this I used today. I wanted to look at the idea of collaborative working, getting pupils to work with each other rather than just alongside each other. So I set up some message threads for pupils to share ideas on. I've just started analysing the results - it looks like it will be an interesting project to work on, and may even lead to a paper (possibly!)


I'm starting to see more and more ways in which this could be used within the classrooms. To start with I tended to think it was most useful as an out of hours resource, but I am definitely changing my mind. I'm really looking forward to seeing whether this way of working changes the way pupils work and produces different (hopefully better!) results.

Rest and exercise

Had a really relaxing morning - long lie in with a book. That was nice. This afternoon I raced through my lesson planning and then went out to the gym for my Sunday afternoon two hour marathon. First was "Body Vibe" - an aerobics type class. Now, aerobics and I don't have a good histoy, but I am starting to really enjoy this class. It WAS hard though, and I was pouring with sweat by the end of it! That was followed by the Yoga class. A different sort of pain this. However, I know how helpful that session is to me, particularly in line with all the mindfulness things I am trying to keep in place. Increasingly I use it as a focusing activity - I know the moves by now, so this provides me with a calm space.

It's also proving to be a useful excursion into being sociable. Having gone to the Bodyvibe class for the past 4 weeks now, I am starting to recognise people. I'm even starting to welcome new people. And today it ws great to see a friend of mine there, H. Haven't run into her for a while (busy lives we both lead!) so it was good to have a catchup.

Have done a little marking since returning home - English writing assessments take ages, and I think the evening isn't the best of times for me to tackle them. I need to be at the peak of my concentration and have the time and energy to do several, so that I can get into teh swing of the different criteria. But I have got another three out of the way, which is a step in the right direction.

Off to bed now. Think I will pick out another Jodi Picoult to reread.

Sunshine at last!

For the first day in what feels like ages, it isn't raining. Hooray! I've felt a corresponding brightening of my mood. We were talking at work today about how depressing it has been to see the same grey skies day after day. The garden is a bog again - and I still have a green pond! But at least the sun is shining.

Work has been a bit challenging this week. I was leading the training session yesterday, and it relied on computers, an internet connection and other people setting things up. Not an encouraging combination. The technology didn't let me down, fortunately, although the human input was marked by more errors than made me feel comfortable. However, all went well.

I have to teach another lesson on probability tomorrow and am unsure what I am doing as yet. More preparation to do on that tonight.

Disheartening day

Training day - says it all, really! I'd far rather have been teaching.

The morning was OK - we discussed ways of making the "most of the opportunities" provided by the latest curriculum changes about to hit us. I've seen so many changes it is hard to be excited about them any more, particularly as it so often seems to me "more of the same".

A stressful challenge was finding that the internet connection was down. It is now, thankfully, repaired, but I felt rather caught in the middle in the ensuing anxieties, and found myself needing to try to provide a solution.

In the afternoon we had joint meetings with colleagues from our local area. We were meeting in subject teams. I just found this incredibly frustrating - even annoying. All our upper school colleagues seemed to care about was their exam results. I suppose there is some justification for that, but what was dispiriting was their obvious attitude that there was no interest to be generated in our subject and their suggestions that we are not teaching the pupils things they need to know, Which is very frustrating, because all of us know we are teaching those things. For some reason that is not being conveyed by the pupils in their new school. We had some "lively debates" (a polite way of putting it) but came away feeling pretty hopeless really. It feels as if we spend a lot of time with younger pupils generating interest and enthusiasm, only to be told that is not important and not what we should be doing. I still beg to differ.

Then, on a very late arrival home, I discovered I had missed an appointment. Added frustration.

Now I'm tired, and still have lessons to prepare. I'm leading the after school training tomorrow as well.

The Globe Theatre

Yesterday I took a party of 46 pupils and 4 staff to The Globe Theatre in London, to watch A Midsummer Night's Dream. (Actually, it should have been 48 pupils - but two pupils didn't show for the bus; apparently they told friends at school they were not coming but didn't bother to let me or the office know!) For most, if not all, of the pupils it was their first experience of seeing live Shakespeare, and their first trip to The Globe. It was the first trip to The Globe for two of the staff as well.

The weather was kind to us. So was the traffic. Despite the lorry drivers' action (which we feared would impede our journey) we arrived in good time. We visited the theatre shop first, then had our tour of The Globe. This was great - our guide struck just the right note with our pupils and they were engrossed. After that we all sat by the river to have our lunch. The sun shone, the pupils were happy to sit and eat and chat, and we had a relaxing half hour or so. Then it was time to take our seats; I handed out tickets at the entrance (each had to hold their own ticket!) and we trooped in.

Our seats were not the best in the house (they were the cheapest!) and we had a side view of the stage. This was in itself interesting for the pupils - though at times the view was impeded and partial. we were complimented on their behaviour by one of the stewards, which was good.

The play was not the best I have seen, but still enjoyable. I'd quibble with some of the casting; Puck was nothing like the etherial spirit I imagine (rather solid, in fact, with a touch of the Krankies!) The mechanicals were hysterical though, and Bottom as the ass even more so. Elements of the staging were very effective, but none of us were convinced by the blue fooring which transformed the traditional wooden stage. Despite all this, it was highly entertaining and the pupils all said they had enjoyed it.

Will I do it again? Definitely, next year. Well worth the effort (and the sleepless night beforehand!) I felt I had proved to myself that I can take on a fairly major trip and pull it off. All the staff said they had enjoyed it and it hadn't felt like they were "on duty" at all. A great day out.

(The postcard is the first of four I am making - all the same - to send to my colleagues who came with me on the trip, to thank them. Design adapted from that on The Globe's shop bags!)