Bleh

So I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.
Some work, some don't.
At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!

Life is full of interesting conflits right now.
The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation which arose from me trying to do another thing I was urged to - be assertive. In fact J and I celebrated the fact that I had been assertive and had expressed my feelings about the pressure being put on many members of staff by the management. I was feeling good about it. Feeling I was making progress.
Then the management responded.
And I switched right back into childhood and childish responses, and self blame, and self harm, and dark dark intentions and thoughts which left my GP wanting to refer me to the crisis team. And to me refusing that offer (which will be no surprise to anyone who read my blog during my previous contact with the mental health team.)

So new meds, revisiting old meds, increased contact with my GP (who IS wonderful) and with J (who is also wonderful). All occuring during the holiday - which is probably a good thing in some ways, but in others is crappy, because being away from work allows me to catastrophise and imagine and think everyone there must hate me... and because it's the holidays and I want to be enjoying and appreciating them.

Oh, and I have a broken tooth so imminent dental work (big trigger) and an "invitation" to make an appointment for a smear test (even bigger trigger) and money is tight and and and...

But there you go.

All kinds of things are conflating at the moment, and I am just working at staying upright and functioning. Compartmentalising to the nth degree. Feeling very uncertain that this will ever end in a good way, but trying to hang ont o the fact that J and my GP both assure me that it will end in a good way and that they will stick by me until it does.

Depression sucks. Just in case you didn't know it.

Monday...

Massage - good. Back a little better; shoulders much better. Went out and bought myself one of those memory foam pillows - wast extravagance, but worth a try.

Dentist - survived. One panicky moment and one very disturbing one which I can't quite fathom at the moment. But survival (albeit with the aid of meds) is good, in my book.

Clinical notes - interesting. Very interesting. Some real positives in there - D has been such an advocate for me and that shone through the opposition of others. I feel I have much more of a picture of what was going on behind the scenes now. And of course, what was going on behind the scenes is a much fuller picture than what BLPT told me officially.

Reports - no progress. But there's always tomorrow.

Wondering...

A further step I could take with my mindfulness practice, according to The Mindful Way Through Depression (have I mentioned what a great book this is?) is to apply the technique of experiencing current emotions to old and troubling ones and past experiences.

Now, as it happens, a couple of relatively recent experiences have been near the forefront of my mind a lot of the time recently. I've been using the "worry time" technique and distracting myself, allowing myself specific times to think on them. However, these times tend to be last thing at night as I am settling myself for sleep. Not the best of techniques, I know. Dealing with them would seem to be a good aim. However...

I don't know if I am ready for this. The particular memories are times I am not comfortable with. They are times when I have dissociated very dramatically, becoming unable (fortunately temporarily) to cope with the realities going on around me. I'm definitely not comfortable with that loss of "control" (as I see it) in myself. Looking at my (very fragmented) memories of the episode scares me. With D's help, I've been able to put together some kind of picture of what happened. We've discussed it too, and that did help. However, I still feel a lot of anxiety about it. I think a lot of the anxiety is around the aspect of loss of control. I know that my episodes of major dissociation have thankfully been few (though minor "absences" have been more common) and that I dissociate when I feel under intense emotional pressure. It truly seems to be an escape mechanism when things are just too much to cope with. I think looking at the incident specifically and mindfully would probably be helpful - but part of me is scared of not being able to cope, even of dissociating as a result of thinking about the episode. Still, I am thinking about it! Maybe using the mindfulness technique initially on an experience which caused me distress, but not as extreme distress as this, would be a way to start. And today probably isn't the day as I have a dental appointment tomorrow. Always a source of great anxiety for me; I've made arrangements to get a lift there and back so I can dope myself up beforehand.

Friday

Not quite so clear today.

Need sleep. Lots of sleep.

Dentist this morning - always a struggle for me, despite the wonderfulness of my dental surgery...

Scarily, on Thursday I should be back at work....

Equally scarily, it looks like someone from my parents' home town is reading this blog. I've tried so hard to keep this secret from family.