Bleh

So I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.
Some work, some don't.
At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!

Life is full of interesting conflits right now.
The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation which arose from me trying to do another thing I was urged to - be assertive. In fact J and I celebrated the fact that I had been assertive and had expressed my feelings about the pressure being put on many members of staff by the management. I was feeling good about it. Feeling I was making progress.
Then the management responded.
And I switched right back into childhood and childish responses, and self blame, and self harm, and dark dark intentions and thoughts which left my GP wanting to refer me to the crisis team. And to me refusing that offer (which will be no surprise to anyone who read my blog during my previous contact with the mental health team.)

So new meds, revisiting old meds, increased contact with my GP (who IS wonderful) and with J (who is also wonderful). All occuring during the holiday - which is probably a good thing in some ways, but in others is crappy, because being away from work allows me to catastrophise and imagine and think everyone there must hate me... and because it's the holidays and I want to be enjoying and appreciating them.

Oh, and I have a broken tooth so imminent dental work (big trigger) and an "invitation" to make an appointment for a smear test (even bigger trigger) and money is tight and and and...

But there you go.

All kinds of things are conflating at the moment, and I am just working at staying upright and functioning. Compartmentalising to the nth degree. Feeling very uncertain that this will ever end in a good way, but trying to hang ont o the fact that J and my GP both assure me that it will end in a good way and that they will stick by me until it does.

Depression sucks. Just in case you didn't know it.

Friday

All very rough tonight. Hitting the depths. Safety net gone and not sure how to cope with that. I want an escape route but I have thrown the map away.

Phoned a helpline. They suggested I go to bed.

GP visit

I saw my GP today. I was really worried about it, but (of course) I needn't have been - none of my worries were borne out in the event.

She was really supportive and had good suggestions. I have stopped my meds again - and ended up telling her that. She asked me why, and listened to my reasons, but had good reasons of her own for me to restart not the escitalopram but the trazadone, and at a reasonable (not massive) dose, to help with the sleep. So I have agreed to that. She also said how important it is for me to have counselling right now, with sessions with D finishing, and had some good suggestions (including practical help) with that. Her suggestions tied in with those of others, and that helped, though financially I have no idea how it can be arranged. However, she is going to help with the practicalities of making contact, and that too is really helpful.

I need sleep so badly. And I need a break from the flashbacks and the new information. Last night was particularly bad in both respects. I felt so scared, and couldn't get the images and emotions out of my head. I have found an old supply of Temazepam and, since I haven't managed to collect the prescription she gave me today, will try that tonight. Just to be knocked out would be a relief.

GP visit

Saw one of the female GP's today, about an infection which I saw her about 4 weeks ago which has still not cleared up.
It was difficult.

She is lovely, very kind, but all the abuse things were triggered almost from the start. She wanted to do an exam - had forgotten about the abuse issues - once I reminded her she was good and appropriate and kind and all the rest, but she wanted me to go into details I am not ready to put into words for many people. She wants me to see a different GP about the infection - that ain't gonna happen, not least because I have to wait a week to see her, by which time she is on holiday. Instead I have managed to make an appointment with one of the two GP's I see and trust as "my" GPs.
I asked for stronger sleeping tablets but she refused to prescribe them. I just want some respite from the flashbacks and nightmares.
I did tell her about my situation with the anti-depressants.
I also told her about not knowing where to go next. She told me that D can refer me direct to the psychology services for help with the abuse issues. That the referral is best from her, or from the CMHT. This after knowing I have had psychology input. She said that the psychology people are the ones to help me. She said to ask D to refer me, and to ask her to get in touch with her if D wants to discuss it. She also said the waiting list for psychology is currently down to aobut 3 months, she knew from a meeting she was at recently.
So now I don't know why this has not been suggested already. It may be that D cannot refer me - because she no longer works directly within a CMHT. But then if she is working as a therapist and seeing me as such and has said that she feels I need specialist input, surely all that should have some impact?
So is it the CMHT who have refused to refer me, decided this is not an option for me? Has it been discussed and refused?
D said she wants to contact D and Dr K to discuss next steps, but of course they are on leave. This might be connected. I see her this afternoon and C (my CMHT) tomorrow. I need to find a way of bringing this into the open. But I am so scared to, because if I am told I can't access any more support within the Trust, there is no more psychotherapy option open to me, then I don't know what I will do. I can't fight yet again. I just can't do it. I'm not even sure I can deal with the implications if they present me with this, in terms of my own lack of worth.

So if I am refused, I need to find a way of walking away. D, as my current clinician, has identified a need, which my GP concurs with. If BLPT tell me I have no right to have that need met, then that's the end of it all.

If I go silent ...

... please don't worry. I'm going into hibernation mode, I think. Three days of school left (no lessons) and it has been a long old term, so exhaustion on that front. Physical illness also playing a part, and the flashbacks don't help either. And then ending sessions with D is the hurdle to face next week. I know it has to happen and am as resigned to it as I can be but i can't see anything positive at the moment in it.

So if I disappear for a bit here, it's not of any significance other than the above. Likewise if you email me and I fail to reply - I'm not ignoring you, just have nothing to say that is worth saying at the moment.

Weekend

Went to a festival in towy yesterday. It was good to get out as a family. While out we made plans for a family trip to Paris in the autumn - just for a weekend probably.
The festival was very busy and I found the crowds difficult to cope with at times. We went on in to town and I got an addition to my latest computer game. It was a lot of walking though, and my back is really playing up today. I decided not to go to the gym today - partly because of my back but also because the car park by the gym was completely full yesterday with festival visitors, so I knew my chances of finding osmewhere to park were very remote.

Have phoned a helpline tonight. It was useful; the person I spoke to was very kind and had some good ideas. Unfortunately my phone died mid way through the conversation - and I can't get through again. (It took me half an hour to get through in the first place). Still finding all this stuff really hard and have no idea what to do.

Two teaching days left. It's very loosely planned.

Eight more days

That's how much of this school year is left. When I get on to counting the hours, it's time to worry.
I'm going through the motions now - living from day to day and lesson to lesson. I have to sit down tonight and formulate some kind of plan for my Maths lessons for the rest of this week - not easy. The rest of my lessons are "planned" - using that word in its loosest sense! I also need to finish off marking some work in preparation for my last ever lesson with certain classes. The timetable finishes next Wednesday after the first lesson, so for some classes from now on it will be my last session with them.

I also saw my new timetable today. It's OK. I have kept my Year 8 English (which I was under threat of losing) and my Year 8 ICT too. Those are good. Not so good is that I will not be teaching ICT in Y5 or Y7 next year - which is hard for me as ICT subject leader. Also not so good is that I will not get a non-teaching lesson each day, which has been an important part of my survival this year. However, the day on which I do not get a free lesson is Friday, and as the week pans out that looks manageable, so that will not be too major a problem, I hope. The other issue I already knew about, which is that I will continue to teach maths in Year 7 - my least confident subject and the one I have to do most preparation for. So all in all I am quite pleased.

Today was Sports Day. We weren't rained off, thannk goodness, though it was close. It's over for another year.

The rest of the week is "normal" in school (or as normal is it can be at this time of year). Lots going on at home though.

I recognise that I am struggling a bit, just in terms of general tiredness. Felt very tearful today - no obvious reason. Slightly disconnected at times too. Need to hang on to the grounding. Am not going to the gym tonight due to exhaustion. That may or may not be a good thing. I need to put in an alternative nurturing activity; perhaps I may have a bath in a while. Fich and chips takeaway tonight - yum!

Meetings

It's been an odd day of meetings today. Our oldest pupils were out of school so I have only had one "normal" lesson to teach. For the rest of the day I was in meetings. Profitable ones; in the morning, I sat down with a colleague and we wrote an outline of our teaching units for one year group in ICT. It was so useful to be able to do it with her and to bounce ideas off each other; I'm happy with the things we have come up with. Now I just have to change those into a scheme. Then this afternooon I met with colleagues from our feeder lower schools and we discussed what we all do in ICT, new ways of working together for the benefit of our pupils and shared some resources. All very good.
Sadly I have not been on top form. Had a really bad night last night and have had a headache all day - direct connection, I am sure. So tired. Heading for the sleeping tablets and bed now.

A bit of a wobble

Had a bit of a wobble over the last couple of days. Nothing major, and I have done my best to tackle it by looking at the causes and taking the action I could. But for a couple of days I have felt quite low, a return of the grey cloud.

There's a huge amount going on at work, just from the end of term approaching fast (yippee!) That means reports, trips out, trying to catch up on marking and assessments and all that stuff. Add to that the fact that I am determined to have the learning platform ready for pupils to use. That adds a lot to my work; there are four of us who are administrators but only two of us actually seem to be doing anything, and the other one is completely snowed under with other responsiblities at the moment. So a lot is down to me and I am trying to push things through (like getting pupil users added before September).
Then there is the fact that I have been asked whether I would be prepared to take a secondment for one day a week next year, working to support other schools, and to apply for this post. I'd love it; my head has agreed I can, and I now need to go through the process.
A side issue to this is how my timetable will change to accommodate it; the deputy head has discussed one solution with me which I am really not happy with, so am hoping he can come up with a change (I suggested a couple). His suggestion would involve me dropping the subject I am most qualified in, enjoy the most and have created tons of resources for this year.
H is changing schools this year and E moving in to 6th form - that brings its own challenges. Socially both girls have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks too, which brings added pressures.
I have physical issues going on at the moment. Saw the GP (not able to see either of my usual ones) yesterday and she was good, but it was very difficult to talk about. Hopefully she has given me something to knock it on the head.
Still waiting for a response from the Healthcare Commission.
I'm being kept very well informed by BLPT about the investigation into the poor state of my clinical records; those have been looked at by the Chief Operating Officer who has sent them back to the CMHT to be sorted out properly. However, that too is still in hand.
And, of course, the computer stuff hasn't helped. It took me the whole afternoon to find and copy our emails from the old hard drive and put them onto our new machine. Because we are using Vista the transfer was more complicated (of course!) and I couldn't just export the messages (tried to but it didn't work). So in the end I had to copy them all onto an external drive, folder by folder, and then drag them into our new Windows Mail set ups. Finding them was a nightmare; transferring them even worse! Thank goodness that is now done. The good news is that the hard drives seem fine, though I couldn't boot up Windows on E's machine from the old drive. That may be down to the different motherboard and CPU set up, though. I suspect the CPU/ motherboard on the old machine has died. Not sure whether we will try to rebuild it though.

So that is a summary of where things are for me at the moment. Courtesy of sleeping tablets I had my first decent night's sleep in a long while last night and that has made me feel better. Today I am going in to town with the girls; H needs a dress for her end of term dance and E still needs to get a necklace and bag for her prom. My treat is a trip to the library, though I may look at getting myself another summer dress too.

In need of a breathing space

Today has been a(nother) full on day and I am feeling rather breathless. I suspect I am slightly in danger of being overwhelmed - it's good that I have the Farmington weekend as a full break this weekend. Looking forward to a time of no demands.

Today has been full of them (demands). A busy morning of teaching (enjoyable though it was) culminated in a stressful lesson with one challenging class, where a group of pupils appeared to be going out of their ways to be as obstreperous and incapable as they possibly could. I suspect getting me to do their work for them was top of their agenda.
A short lunch time followed, with the early arrival of the ICT advisor (his arrival on time would have meant I had half an hour for lunch; as it was I was still eating as he arrived). that was followed by the arrival of his boss (the regional KS3 ICT advisor) and his boss's boss (a senior National advisor for KS3 ICT). Ostensibly they were monitoring the work of the consultant, but needless to say I did feel rather on the spot. They posed some challenging (and interested) questions, professed themselves very impressed with what I was doing and planning, and left - but the discussion was wide ranging, covered a multitude of areas and required me to think on my feet a lot. Needless to say, the hour I spent after that with the consultant did not produce the quality of work we both hoped it would - I think both of us had worn ourselves out rather.

So (with yesterday's therapy session and all) I am feeling rather shattered tonight. Elder daughter had a bit of an emotional collapse - fortunately a brief one - earlier on, which I can only put down to post GCSE reaction, and I feel like I could do the same at the moment. Instead I will go and pack a case, I think!

Disheartening day

Training day - says it all, really! I'd far rather have been teaching.

The morning was OK - we discussed ways of making the "most of the opportunities" provided by the latest curriculum changes about to hit us. I've seen so many changes it is hard to be excited about them any more, particularly as it so often seems to me "more of the same".

A stressful challenge was finding that the internet connection was down. It is now, thankfully, repaired, but I felt rather caught in the middle in the ensuing anxieties, and found myself needing to try to provide a solution.

In the afternoon we had joint meetings with colleagues from our local area. We were meeting in subject teams. I just found this incredibly frustrating - even annoying. All our upper school colleagues seemed to care about was their exam results. I suppose there is some justification for that, but what was dispiriting was their obvious attitude that there was no interest to be generated in our subject and their suggestions that we are not teaching the pupils things they need to know, Which is very frustrating, because all of us know we are teaching those things. For some reason that is not being conveyed by the pupils in their new school. We had some "lively debates" (a polite way of putting it) but came away feeling pretty hopeless really. It feels as if we spend a lot of time with younger pupils generating interest and enthusiasm, only to be told that is not important and not what we should be doing. I still beg to differ.

Then, on a very late arrival home, I discovered I had missed an appointment. Added frustration.

Now I'm tired, and still have lessons to prepare. I'm leading the after school training tomorrow as well.

Holiday!

It's half term. Thank goodness! Although, as a colleague commented today, this half term has shot by, partly because so much has been crammed into it. We've had the dreaded SATs for our Y6 pupils, plus assessments for all other pupils. There have been sports fixtures aplenty, a "Fun Run" (misnomer!), visitors galore and lesson observations. We've taken pupils on trips to local places and had theatre groups in to perform to them. Transfer arrangements (both to and from us) are in hand. Reports are underway (I even managed to start writing mine today!) It's been busy!

Half term - for me at least - looks much the same way, The girls have social commitments throughout the week. I am taking a group of pupils to The Globe, to see A Midsummer Night's Dream, on Tuesday. I have appointments, and I need to arrange for the car to have a new exhaust fitted. Plus have just had a recall letter telling me that there is a danger the car might spontaneously ignite so it needs servicing as a matter of priority. Since I doubt a courtesy car will be provided, I need to factor that in. And there is the major shopping expedition to buy a prom dress for E. In between all that i want to do some relaxation and recuperation and I ahve to do some planning, marking and report writing - ugh!

Ho hum - all carries on as chaotically as ever, then!

Outstanding!

Just wanted to put that. I had one of my lessons observed today, by our deputy head. It was at the end of a long, hot day, in a very warm ICT room. I was using new technology (voting pads) with a class who can be difficult. And the deputy head said it was an "outstanding" lesson.
It felt really good to hear that. Especially as I had only rated it as "OK"!

Still too much to do and not enough time. I am on a course tomorrow and haven't fully organised the work to leave. It is all planned, but not yet collated. That's what tomorrow morning is for!

Too much to do...

... too little time.

Remind me to say no....

Not that it would have done me much good today really. Have just decided to stop working and go to bed, but lessons are unplanned, resources incomplete, work unmarked and I am not entirely sure how I will cope tomorrow. Do I set myself targets which are too high? Undoubtedly. Do I find it impossible to lower the bar for myself? Definitely. given all that, how does one fit a quart into a pint pot? There's just too much that needs to be done in order to do my job well. Marking writing from my Y8 pupils today I feel I have failed. But the reality has to be not that I have failed, because I have been focusing on other, equally valid things (reading, interpreting, enjoying language, for examples). I just haven't been focusing on getting them to write in a way that enables them to pass tests. I don't want to teach that way. To do it, it seems, I would have to devote a couple of hours each week just to passing tests. That's not waht studing English is about. Not for me, anyway. But that is why I have a backlog of marking (because I don't prioritise assessment; I prioritise planning and discussion and talking to pupils and doing things.) I tend to leave assessments for when I am out of school and need some suitable work to leave. Then I mark it (eventually!)
But I still have 10 pieces of written work to mark before first lesson tomorrow. I also have work to photocopy for the same lesson. I have a Mths lesson to prepare (a unit I have never taught before, with the sketchiest of outlines of what i am supposed to cover). I am on a course on Wednesday so have to leave work - and that is incomplete at the moment. I am being observed on thursday afternoon and am not entirely convinced I am ready for that lesson either. Time to list and prioritise I think.... Maybe time to seek some reassurance tomorrow as well.
ugh!