Friday

Things spinning in my head a bit at the moment.
I have an appt with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. He's very nice and I do trust him - but because of what we are going to discuss I am being triggered right back into scared child mode. It feels very unstable and very frightening.

Plus D hasn't been in contact and that doesn't feel good.

And the contact through my GP hasn't yet materialised either.

Wanting to hide, to avoid.

Plans and control

Saw C today - it was useful.
She will come to my next outpatients' appt with Dr K with me. D has spoken to him about ongoing help with the abuse issues. Next Tuesday (when I have my appt) we will talk about the possibilities, apparently. That feels scary but C has said she will talk to him before then to fill in some detail and I won't need to go in to any detail with him.
We talked about my lack of energy and lack of motivation. She thinks it might be connected to my controlling my eating (ie trying not to, skipping meals) and also to the cold I have had.
We talked about control and how I can feel more in control at the moment. We discussed the lack of structure during holidays. I am going to identify 5 tasks for each day. So tomorrow my tasks are:
Take E to sleepover
Take H to have her ears pierced and to buy some new jeans
Shopping
Cook some meals for the freezer
Cut out the fabric for the bags I want to make (to store school supplies in so I can transport them more easily between lessons)
We also talked about the need for further help with the abuse issues - I said how insistent Dr M had been that I need specialised help and support. We agreed that this could be the last piece in the jigsaw and talked about how working through this could enable me to understand myself and cope better. I said how I felt that if I can look at things in a supportive environment I will be able to understand more why I am as I am, and that will help me to cope. Just like learning about schemas and how my schemas are triggered has made it much easier for me to cope with them. But I need to find a way of integrating things and I can't do that on my own.

This afternoon E and I did some cooking (H was with a friend). That was good. We made some potato dishes and some quiches - had quiche for tea and also have some to put in the freezer. Tomorrow I plan to make a variety of mince dishes, also for the freezer. Should all make it easier when term starts, and also lessen my guilt about W doing most of the day to day cooking.

GP visit

Saw one of the female GP's today, about an infection which I saw her about 4 weeks ago which has still not cleared up.
It was difficult.

She is lovely, very kind, but all the abuse things were triggered almost from the start. She wanted to do an exam - had forgotten about the abuse issues - once I reminded her she was good and appropriate and kind and all the rest, but she wanted me to go into details I am not ready to put into words for many people. She wants me to see a different GP about the infection - that ain't gonna happen, not least because I have to wait a week to see her, by which time she is on holiday. Instead I have managed to make an appointment with one of the two GP's I see and trust as "my" GPs.
I asked for stronger sleeping tablets but she refused to prescribe them. I just want some respite from the flashbacks and nightmares.
I did tell her about my situation with the anti-depressants.
I also told her about not knowing where to go next. She told me that D can refer me direct to the psychology services for help with the abuse issues. That the referral is best from her, or from the CMHT. This after knowing I have had psychology input. She said that the psychology people are the ones to help me. She said to ask D to refer me, and to ask her to get in touch with her if D wants to discuss it. She also said the waiting list for psychology is currently down to aobut 3 months, she knew from a meeting she was at recently.
So now I don't know why this has not been suggested already. It may be that D cannot refer me - because she no longer works directly within a CMHT. But then if she is working as a therapist and seeing me as such and has said that she feels I need specialist input, surely all that should have some impact?
So is it the CMHT who have refused to refer me, decided this is not an option for me? Has it been discussed and refused?
D said she wants to contact D and Dr K to discuss next steps, but of course they are on leave. This might be connected. I see her this afternoon and C (my CMHT) tomorrow. I need to find a way of bringing this into the open. But I am so scared to, because if I am told I can't access any more support within the Trust, there is no more psychotherapy option open to me, then I don't know what I will do. I can't fight yet again. I just can't do it. I'm not even sure I can deal with the implications if they present me with this, in terms of my own lack of worth.

So if I am refused, I need to find a way of walking away. D, as my current clinician, has identified a need, which my GP concurs with. If BLPT tell me I have no right to have that need met, then that's the end of it all.

Where I am

Am off all the meds. Sleep is lousy. Anxiety is higher than it has been; feeling queasy most of the time. However, these could be down to lack of sleep as much as being off the tablets. Not sleeping is a bummer, especially asit is accompanied by flashbacks. Sleeping tablets are helping me to (eventually) get off to sleep but I am waying around 4am most mornings.

Still no idea what to do about further therapy. Had an email from D today to say she will phone today or tomorrow to discuss what is going on. Just feel hopeless about it all. All the work I have done has got me to the stage of remembering all this - and it makes sense of so much - but I don't know how to work through what I now remember so that I can put it in the past where it belongs. I feel like I have opened a box of snakes and I have no idea how to catch them and shut the lid on them so I can put them where they belong.

The abuse I have remembered I believe happened - but it is as if it happened to another person. I'm finding it impossible to connect that memory with myself. It's like the child then was someone else entirely - which is how I feel about a lot of my childhood.

I have to find a way of accepting that this happened to me, feeling that it happened to me, and then processing and dealing with that knowledge. I don't feel I can do that without f2f support - and I don't know where to find the specialised f2f support that D feels I need. I feel hopeless, to be frank.

Decisions, decisions...

More flashbacks today. Not as vivid or as lengthy as the last ones, but still troubling.

I really don't know what to do about trying to address this. I had made my mind up (and said to D) that I wanted a break from working on things, a break from therapy, before returning (as I knew I would need to at some point) to the childhood memories and partial memories. Then things seemed to press in; D commented on the impact these things are having on my life now and said maybe now is the time to address them. I'm still not sure, though I totally respect her suggestion. As she said, it seems as if things are surfacing and they certainly are having an impact. But i don't want to go from one therapy / therapist to another. D says she does not have the experience and training needed to help me deal with these things, nor does C. I understand that. But am I ready to start all over again with someone else? Is that what I want? And where on earth would I find such a person? How could I find someone trained to address the abuse issues and the dissociation, and all the other stuff? I really don't know.

On the other hand, waiting brings its own problems. If i take a break, there is a very real danger the issues will not go away and will in fact get worse. There is an equal danger that I will push them down and deny them, leaving them to fester.

I've tried looking at some of these things with a workbook. I couldn't do it.

Someone I talked to suggested EMDR. I don't know about that either.

Ho hum.

Kubler-Ross stages of grief

(from Wikipedia, of course)
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Currently thinking about this with reference to my childhood. Had a positive but hard session with D today. Lots touched on and discussed, including the spectres I only glimpse faintly at the moment. We talked about whether I want to look more closely at these spectres, and if so how I would do that.

The denial I remember going through in great detail, and for a long time, with my psychologist. I think I got to the point of accepting that what happened wasn't ideal, could have been better. Anger is one I struggle with a lot. Just recognising it is difficult, but I can see how I have turned that anger on myself over the years, which led to (and reflected) my depression. Not sure about the bargaining - mainly because I know there is more I have not faced yet, so bargaining is impossible; I have to be honest with myself and accept things before I can move to that. At the moment I am at grief - shown strongly today. I need to get through that, experience it, and experience the anger turned outward (as I briefly did today). To do that I have to believe it is safe to allow myself to feel and express the anger. I came a step closer to that today, but it was frightening and painful.

I
want
to
screamnshout n letitallout n bangabout n
...
cry

I
want
to
hideaway n notgoouttoplay n darkentheday n
...
sigh.



I
want
to
disappear n cryrealtears n hidefromfear n
...
...

We Remember Your Childhood Well (Carol Ann Duffy)

Have been looking through E's GCSE English anthology with her and came across this, which spoke so much to me:

Nobody hurt you. Nobody turned off the light and argued

with somebody else all night. The bad man on the moors

was only a movie you saw. Nobody locked the door.

Your questions were answered fully. No. That didn't occur.

You couldn't sing anyway, cared less. The moment's a blur, a Film Fun

laughing itself to death in the coal fire. Anyone's guess.

Nobody forced you. You wanted to go that day. Begged. You chose

the dress. Here are the pictures, look at you. Look at us all,

smiling and waving, younger. The whole thing is inside your head.

What you recall are impressions; we have the facts. We called the tune.

The secret police of your childhood were older and wiser than you, bigger

than you. Call back the sound of their voices. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Nobody sent you away. That was an extra holiday, with people

you seemed to like. They were firm, there was nothing to fear.

There was none but yourself to blame if it ended in tears.

What does it matter now? No, no, nobody left the skidmarks of sin

on your soul and laid you wide open for Hell. You were loved.

Always. We did what was best. We remember your childhood well.

Saying No

So, I'm working on anger at the moment. I got hold of a book which I am finding very helpful. It's called "Managing Anger" and is by Gael Lindenfield. Recently I've been looking at the chapter called "Deal with the Backlog of Unresolved Anger." I suspect it is quite pertinent.There were some statements about recognising past hurt which rang true:
"You may well have forgotten the pain, simply because you had to, in order to cope with the pain or even to survive."Well, in terms of my recent recollections, that rings true.
"You may not be giving yourself the "right" to feel wounded by hurtful experiences."That is also a very strong one for me. Something I have consistently found it difficult to do is to recognise the culture of abuse in my childhood.

There followed a list of "Uncovering Childhood Wounds", most of which I ticked Yes to. The book suggests "doing more exploratory work on your childhood." It asks me to look at a list (in the book) of assertive anger rights and recognise when those rights were abused, including the "small insignificant ones".
The first of these is
I have the right to feel angry when I am frustrated.
Examples:
When this was I asked for support when S was off work sick and was told I could not have it.
My words and actions were twisted.
People made promises and didn't keep them.

When I didn't know what to do as a child to keep Mum happy.
When I got shouted at when I was trying to help.
When I wasn't allowed to say no. There's a lot around saying no. I couldn't say no to the abuse. I couldn't say no to Mum when she complained to me about Dad. I couldn't say no to Mum and Dad's expectations that I would be the model student and achieve the highest grades so I felt I was a disappointment to them. I couldn't say no to Mum and Dad when they wanted me to take responsibility for my brother and his behaviour and moods.

Now I need to go and do something with this anger.