finished

I met up with D for our last session. Parts of it were very sad, parts were scary (especially at first), parts were positive and good.
I'm going to miss her so much.

Am going out for a massage soon and when I return need to plan my lessons for tomorrow. That will keep me busy.

Endings yet again

I'd love to come to the end of endings - or to not worry about them so much.

Things I'm going to miss about D:
She keeps her promises.
She encourages me to ask for what I need.
She is not afraid to use touch to help me when I can't communicate. She will put her hand on my arm, hold my hand or even rub my back when things are "too bad" for words.
She respects the children in me.
Her positive feedback - "I think you're doing really well".
She shows me that she believes me.
She always starts our sessions with a smile.
She makes sure I am safe before we finish.
She helps me to take risks in order to move on.
She is gentle with me.
She notices how I am feeling and responding during a session.
She can pick up the signs that I have dissociated and bring me back gently and safely.
She communicates with me, giving me a written record of each session. This is SO important for me, because often I forget the details of what we have done.
She points out when she thinks I need more help than she can give, for example the crisis team, and enables me to seek that help.
She accepts me.

Endings

Again, thinking about them.
I don't have good experiences with endings, for the most part. I'm keen to change this but it is a very difficult process for me - I'm so easily triggered back to panic.

So, has anyone got any ideas - or positive experiences to share - on the ending of therapeutic relationships (counselling etc)? I'm keen to plan for this to be as positive as possible but fearing it hugely.

Friday

Things spinning in my head a bit at the moment.
I have an appt with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. He's very nice and I do trust him - but because of what we are going to discuss I am being triggered right back into scared child mode. It feels very unstable and very frightening.

Plus D hasn't been in contact and that doesn't feel good.

And the contact through my GP hasn't yet materialised either.

Wanting to hide, to avoid.

Information

"Knowledge is power".

I agree - not in the sense that knowledge brings control over others, but that knowledge brings a sense of control and security.

I received some more information from BLPT on Friday, connected to my complaint. I've mulled over whether this knowledge is dangerous to me or a good thing for me, and I come down very heavily on the latter.

Childhood was full of secrets. It was also full of assumed adult responsibilities - like keeping home relatively stable. To do that I needed information. I needed to know what threats were on the horizon. Knowledge, for me, is implicitly tangled in a sense of safety. I wonder for how many people that is the case? I don't do surprises well (my husband knows NEVER to throw a surprise party for me!) I'm OK in the immediacy of an unexpected event, but then tend to fall apart. I need to plan things out, look at possibilities and options. It's true whether the future event is good or bad. So knowledge for me (even of the bad bits) is helpful - it brings understanding and security.

I suppose the danger is that I will keep dwelling on what has happened, with all the dreadful repercussions of that horrible time. there is a balance to be struck here, I know. But I need to process what happened in order to move on. I can't process it without some understanding and to uderstand I need to know. So this latest information helps me in that moving on.

I
want
to
screamnshout n letitallout n bangabout n
...
cry

I
want
to
hideaway n notgoouttoplay n darkentheday n
...
sigh.



I
want
to
disappear n cryrealtears n hidefromfear n
...
...

Thursday afternoon

Lyrics here.

Another good day. I lost my non contact because of a whole school activity - oh well. The drama lesson "exceeded expectations" - mine, at any rate!

Have been thinking about the "tea and cake" type meetings The Shrink mentions here. I can see that, now I am in recovery (I hope!) my meetings with the various health professionals I meet with (currently psychiatrist 3 monthly, CMHN monthly, therapist fortnightly, and GP monthly) could degenerate into that type of approach. However, at the moment I feel this contact is really important to me. It's starting to develop into fortnightly appointments (having been weekly for quite some time) and I'm feeling comfortable about the change. I'm hoping to develop it further so that the meetings become monthly, but I don't feel I am "quite there" yet.

Part of this feeling is due to historical issues around abandonment. After the disastrous experiences last time I felt able to reduce contacts (when I ended up with no contacts at all and rapidly deteriorated into crisis) I have been very wary of suggesting my contacts could start to be spaced out. It's a measure of the trust I have form my new CMHT that I am even able to consider this.

It's also a safety net. I discussed this with C tonight and again with my GP today. Having the appointments in place makes me feel safer, and that in turn acts as a barrier against deterioration. Strictly speaking I might not "need" fortnightly appointments at the moment, but knowing they are in place makes me feel able to take risks and feel OK about doing so. It means I know if things do go wrong, I don't have the additional stress of trying to get an appointment to talk about it. (When things are difficult it is even more difficult for me to ask for help, and so I don't do so. If the help is already in place I know I can talk about my needs). So the fortnightly appointments mean that I am less likely to become unwell and need even more support (and probably end up off work).

I struggle with feeling guilty at the help I am getting. However, weighing up the costs, an hour a fortnight is enabling me to be at work full time and not to need as many medications. Surely that has to be a good deal?

Meeting postponed

I was due to have a meeting tomorrow which should have marked some kind of closure for me, by going through my clinical notes and identifying aspects about which I have concerns. This was agreed at the meeting I had with BLPT staff back in October. It has not happened till now due to a combination of factors, as much my responsibility as theirs. I was not ready to look at my notes for a long time. Combining diaries caused more delays, with holidays affecting schedules. Tomorrow's meeting has had to be postponed (quite understandably) due to the illness of one of the people I was due to meet with. It has been rearranged for next week, and I have no problem with this - except that I want this to be done, finished, ticked off.
I probably could have asked for the meeting to go ahead with just one of the two BLPT staff I am due to meet with. I'm sure that would have been possible. But I would prefer to have it with both. So I am willing to wait. But that willingness doesn't alleviate the anxiety I am feeling at the moment.

therapy session

Tough but useful one today. May be making some progress on anger - I shouted (not at D!) today, in anger. Only once, but I did it - and for someone who does not do anger, that's a biggie. trouble is, am now aware (as D suggested might happen) of stored anger, and I don't like it. Plans to do some more "behavioural" stuff in coming weeks. Yikes.

Also talked about the ending of our sessions - still some way away, but needs to be kept in awareness for me, given how hard I find endings of any sort and therapy endings in particular.

Had details sent to me of a programme tonight on BBC 2 looking at mindfulness as an alternative therapy. Details of the programme can be found here. BBC2 9-10pm. Could be interesting.

Wednesday

An exhaustingly long day here.

Still moving in the right direction I think, though it often feels like I am standing still.

Had copies of my clinical notes from my current team today which were (in contrast to other notes) fair and truthful and unbiased and complete and organised. That helped massively. I've asked to see my other file, the one from BE CMHT. However, I'm told that request has to go through the "Caldicott Guardian" - though D had no issue with me seeing them before, and appeared to have no reservations about me seeing them now. In a world of confusion and lies, secrecy is the most powerful weapon, it seems.

Attended joint meeting which had elements of difficulty but which turned out to be helpful and positive and fair, and I think I was able to say things which I didn't believe I could. I know I was listened to and supported.

D leaves her post in the CMHT tomorrow. we talked today about it being an opportunity to experience positive endings and changes, but also acknowledged that going through the changes feels very vulnerable. At the moment I can't imagine being able to phone someone new for help if I am struggling.

Trying to balance being real and keeping up appearances.

Climbing back

It's turning out to be a funny old week.
School is very different this week. We're holding an "Arts Week" - normal curriculum dispensed with, pupils in mixed age houses and working on one theme each day. We have Dance, Drama, Art, Music, and Creative Media. I had my doubts at first, and was very anxious about change and different routines (no surprise there, then!) but am really enjoying the experience. The school is buzzing, fantastic work is being produced, I'm adding it to the website daily and enjoying five whole days of ICT. Pupils working with me have made movies and distorted images (of their faces) using a photo editing package. Great fun.
I've also been pleasantly surprised by the general lifting of my spirits. I'm starting to feel I'm getting my bounce back. Staff at school have commented positively. Yes, things have been tough at times but generally it's looking hopeful.
Part of this is due to some pressures being removed - even though others have taken their place. Part of it (much as I hate admitting it) has been a result of my reluctant decision to raise the dose of my second antidepressant back to "normal" (I hate that admission!) Part of it is probably the passing of time and my mood changing. Whatever, it's good.

Today's meeting went OK, I think. I was very nervous, didn't know what to say, but I'm hoping it will work out OK. I talked with D about how the ending of my psychotherapy sessions back in the summer could have been a positive experience, had other parties within BLPT maintained the additional support agreed, and had the whole process of transferring teams been made easy. I can already see that, hard as the change between care coordinators is to go through (and it will be even harder when my additional sessions with D end), this could provide a counter, that this could be the positive experience of a supported, successful ending that I need. I really hope it will be, and appreciate that D and her team have put things in place to help me to feel more secure. Ultimately, I have to go through it to believe that it will be OK - and that similar situations in the future can be OK too.

There have been 24 "clicks" in response to my email request to look at the previous post.

Two people have contacted me.
One person has promised to look into the situation.

Helen Buckingham has emailed me to say, "I understand that your concerns are being addressed through Paul Mullin, our Chief Executive."
As I responded to Ms Buckingham, that does not seem to be the case.
Mr Mullin has not responded to any of my emails following his reply in which he totally ignored the issues I asked him to reply to. He has not contacted me at all. Given this, I cannot see how he can be addressing my concerns. Rather, he is ignoring them and me. Probably hoping I will go away. It seems extremely rude to me. Given that I have asked him to address specific questions I don't understand why he believes it is acceptable to ignore them and me.

It is also causing me huge stress.

I'm not coping well.

I'm having massive episodes of dissociation. I can't stay with it at all. There's worse too. Won't post it here.

Thank you to those of you who have shown kindness and support. There have been some within BLPT who have done so too. Unfortunately you don't seem able to influence anything. And I am not sure I can cope with it any more. I know it seems ridiculous, incomprehensible to many of you that i can't just leave it, stop fighting. But I don't understand - I don't understand, I really just don't understand why a mental health organisation believes it is OK to ignore questions they have promised, in writing to answer. How is that OK? Can anyone help me to understand that, please? Please? PLEASE?

It gets harder to hang on. especially knowing D is leaving. I'm not coping well with that. I have to get to know a new person. What if she decides to go away as others have done? What if she is absent? I'm scared, really scared.

I need to talk to someone but I am scared to pick up the phone.

Remembering to breathe

Saw my CPN yesterday. She was really helpful, very supportive, very gentle and affirming and compassionate. I was very much a wreck.
She let me cry. She helped me hold us all together. We talked about the session with D - what we discussed, how it went, how I felt, and how he might have felt. We talked about endings. We talked about my fragmented parts and how I can hold them together and keep it safe. We agreed what I am going to do to try to keep safe.
I'm working on holding the pieces together. And remembering to breathe properly.

scared

final session with d, my wonderful psychologist, tomorrow. therapy sessions ended in the summer; this is a review and closure. i don't want it. every time endings of any sort have come up with d, be it discussing them or planning for them or them happening, my chmt support has disappeared. it's happened 4 times. i'm scared and i don't want to go through with this one.