Bleh

So I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.
Some work, some don't.
At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!

Life is full of interesting conflits right now.
The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation which arose from me trying to do another thing I was urged to - be assertive. In fact J and I celebrated the fact that I had been assertive and had expressed my feelings about the pressure being put on many members of staff by the management. I was feeling good about it. Feeling I was making progress.
Then the management responded.
And I switched right back into childhood and childish responses, and self blame, and self harm, and dark dark intentions and thoughts which left my GP wanting to refer me to the crisis team. And to me refusing that offer (which will be no surprise to anyone who read my blog during my previous contact with the mental health team.)

So new meds, revisiting old meds, increased contact with my GP (who IS wonderful) and with J (who is also wonderful). All occuring during the holiday - which is probably a good thing in some ways, but in others is crappy, because being away from work allows me to catastrophise and imagine and think everyone there must hate me... and because it's the holidays and I want to be enjoying and appreciating them.

Oh, and I have a broken tooth so imminent dental work (big trigger) and an "invitation" to make an appointment for a smear test (even bigger trigger) and money is tight and and and...

But there you go.

All kinds of things are conflating at the moment, and I am just working at staying upright and functioning. Compartmentalising to the nth degree. Feeling very uncertain that this will ever end in a good way, but trying to hang ont o the fact that J and my GP both assure me that it will end in a good way and that they will stick by me until it does.

Depression sucks. Just in case you didn't know it.

On being a weeble....

Started a new therapeutic approach with J today. It will help, I think, but I am feeling very tired tonight, and rather overwhelmed by new memories and connections. That's what the process is partly about, though, so I am trying to go with it and ride it. Today was an easier day for me, fortunately, in that I had more ability to direct my own time. Tomorrow is a full teaching day so I am hoping that a good night's sleep will recharge and rebalance me.

I didn't go to yoga - a combination of being worn out and having a meeting which left me with only 15 minutes to change and go out again. I think it was the best decision. I've been watching some TV instead, having written down reactions and thoughts from the therapy. Writing things down is such a helpful tool for me - it enables me to process things.

Thanks for your encouraging comments. I'm trying to keep moving in the right direction - or at least to follow the example of the weebles*.

*"weebles wobble but they don't fall down."

Fast Forward

My GP suggested this is what I need - a FF button to get me through this "lumpy time" (her very perceptive words) of changing meds.

In the meantime she has encouraged me, explained her thinking and tried to help me believe it will all get better soon.

I'm trying to believe her, and supplementing that belief with the new meds, and the old sleeping tablets and anti anxiety medication.

I feel like crying (but can't most of the time), am sleeping poorly, not wanting to eat, feeling like all is grey, and struggling with the old thoughts of self harm and self hatred. Feeling tired all the time doesn't leave much energy for motivation and action. That in turn leads to feeling bad about myself because i don't feel I am getting things done. See, I know it is all a horribly negative cycle - it's just at the moment I can't seem to get myself out of it.

The reality is that I am still at work and doing an OK job. things are getting done, for the most part. Maybe not to the highest standards, but I am planning and delivering lessons. I've even done some marking.

Filing is another matter.

Sleep

Sleep is good. I went to bed at 8.30 last night and slept pretty soundly - until 3.30 when my husband knocked his clock onto the floor. Managed to doze again after that and feel less of a wreck this morning than I did yesterday.

Another busy week ahead. Meetings galore and lots of training sessions to lead. Tuesday will be easier as all of KS3 are having a thinking skills day so no normal lessons for them - or me, since I teach KS3 all day.

I have to pick up the pieces with one class as a result of my not being in school on Friday afternoon - their behaviour was, apparently, awful. Am hoping, actually, that their form tutor and Head of year will pick up that in terms of consequences, and I can just express my diappointment and dissatisfaction.

Tired

Feeling very tired and (hence) low tonight. Stressful meeting at work yesterday didn't help - tempers running high, more demands, implied criticisms. Lessons went well; good responses from pupils and some difficult situations managed. Worked with some staff after school to help them with computer issues - we made progress.
Following my session with J last week I am working hard at maintaining a protective bubble around myself. At times it is pushed and stretched, but I can see the benefits. It's very much about self-protection from some elements which I can find toxic and stressful. It's a good mechanism for me to use. It doesn't come naturally to me, however, and the self-doubt and self-criticism still intrude. (Most of the time I don't need external criticism - I can provide my own self-criticism with little aid from others, and with the help of historical voices).
Tonight my aim is to chill out a bit and get an early night. Then get through tomorrow and make the most of my consultancy day. I have an interview on Friday - to confirm (I hope!) the work I am doing already. I have masses of paperwork I need to get together before that - and that is stressful to me. As I keep telling staff, I don't "do" paper very well; I am much better with electronic files.
Tiredness is in the air and I need to find ways of maintaining my positive approach. That's easier in the classroom than outside of it. Pacing myself is an important consideration too.
Ah well.

finished

I met up with D for our last session. Parts of it were very sad, parts were scary (especially at first), parts were positive and good.
I'm going to miss her so much.

Am going out for a massage soon and when I return need to plan my lessons for tomorrow. That will keep me busy.

Productive day

I woke up this morning determined that today I was going to paint the kitchen. I bought the paint 6 months ago, have intended to do it for ages, but never got round to it.

Well, today I did. I cleaned everything, did the skirting board and door frame, and then the walls. Lots of pulling out fridge/freezer, washing machine etc. Lots of standing on the kitchen table (!) A bit of panic when I realised that I had bought 2 tins of different colours (!) and wasn't sure I had enough of the colour I had painted most of the kitchen in - and that particular paint has been discontinued! But I did have enough. Slightly disconcerted to find that the second tine was blue when I intended to paint the kitchen green - and yes, I used the blue instead. Ah well. It's all done and is a massive improvement - lifts my spirits to stand in it. Am determined to repaint more of the house, probably the hall and stairs next because they look the most dingy, but the bathroom is another candidate (it also needs a new floor covering due to the amount of water the girls have splashed around!)

I have to say I am both physically and mentally exhausted now.

GP visit

I saw my GP today. I was really worried about it, but (of course) I needn't have been - none of my worries were borne out in the event.

She was really supportive and had good suggestions. I have stopped my meds again - and ended up telling her that. She asked me why, and listened to my reasons, but had good reasons of her own for me to restart not the escitalopram but the trazadone, and at a reasonable (not massive) dose, to help with the sleep. So I have agreed to that. She also said how important it is for me to have counselling right now, with sessions with D finishing, and had some good suggestions (including practical help) with that. Her suggestions tied in with those of others, and that helped, though financially I have no idea how it can be arranged. However, she is going to help with the practicalities of making contact, and that too is really helpful.

I need sleep so badly. And I need a break from the flashbacks and the new information. Last night was particularly bad in both respects. I felt so scared, and couldn't get the images and emotions out of my head. I have found an old supply of Temazepam and, since I haven't managed to collect the prescription she gave me today, will try that tonight. Just to be knocked out would be a relief.

Where I am

Am off all the meds. Sleep is lousy. Anxiety is higher than it has been; feeling queasy most of the time. However, these could be down to lack of sleep as much as being off the tablets. Not sleeping is a bummer, especially asit is accompanied by flashbacks. Sleeping tablets are helping me to (eventually) get off to sleep but I am waying around 4am most mornings.

Still no idea what to do about further therapy. Had an email from D today to say she will phone today or tomorrow to discuss what is going on. Just feel hopeless about it all. All the work I have done has got me to the stage of remembering all this - and it makes sense of so much - but I don't know how to work through what I now remember so that I can put it in the past where it belongs. I feel like I have opened a box of snakes and I have no idea how to catch them and shut the lid on them so I can put them where they belong.

The abuse I have remembered I believe happened - but it is as if it happened to another person. I'm finding it impossible to connect that memory with myself. It's like the child then was someone else entirely - which is how I feel about a lot of my childhood.

I have to find a way of accepting that this happened to me, feeling that it happened to me, and then processing and dealing with that knowledge. I don't feel I can do that without f2f support - and I don't know where to find the specialised f2f support that D feels I need. I feel hopeless, to be frank.

Weekend

Went to a festival in towy yesterday. It was good to get out as a family. While out we made plans for a family trip to Paris in the autumn - just for a weekend probably.
The festival was very busy and I found the crowds difficult to cope with at times. We went on in to town and I got an addition to my latest computer game. It was a lot of walking though, and my back is really playing up today. I decided not to go to the gym today - partly because of my back but also because the car park by the gym was completely full yesterday with festival visitors, so I knew my chances of finding osmewhere to park were very remote.

Have phoned a helpline tonight. It was useful; the person I spoke to was very kind and had some good ideas. Unfortunately my phone died mid way through the conversation - and I can't get through again. (It took me half an hour to get through in the first place). Still finding all this stuff really hard and have no idea what to do.

Two teaching days left. It's very loosely planned.

Eight more days

That's how much of this school year is left. When I get on to counting the hours, it's time to worry.
I'm going through the motions now - living from day to day and lesson to lesson. I have to sit down tonight and formulate some kind of plan for my Maths lessons for the rest of this week - not easy. The rest of my lessons are "planned" - using that word in its loosest sense! I also need to finish off marking some work in preparation for my last ever lesson with certain classes. The timetable finishes next Wednesday after the first lesson, so for some classes from now on it will be my last session with them.

I also saw my new timetable today. It's OK. I have kept my Year 8 English (which I was under threat of losing) and my Year 8 ICT too. Those are good. Not so good is that I will not be teaching ICT in Y5 or Y7 next year - which is hard for me as ICT subject leader. Also not so good is that I will not get a non-teaching lesson each day, which has been an important part of my survival this year. However, the day on which I do not get a free lesson is Friday, and as the week pans out that looks manageable, so that will not be too major a problem, I hope. The other issue I already knew about, which is that I will continue to teach maths in Year 7 - my least confident subject and the one I have to do most preparation for. So all in all I am quite pleased.

Today was Sports Day. We weren't rained off, thannk goodness, though it was close. It's over for another year.

The rest of the week is "normal" in school (or as normal is it can be at this time of year). Lots going on at home though.

I recognise that I am struggling a bit, just in terms of general tiredness. Felt very tearful today - no obvious reason. Slightly disconnected at times too. Need to hang on to the grounding. Am not going to the gym tonight due to exhaustion. That may or may not be a good thing. I need to put in an alternative nurturing activity; perhaps I may have a bath in a while. Fich and chips takeaway tonight - yum!

Nurturing

Talked with C (CMHN) on Thursday, which was helpful. The (very sensible) idea is that I make sure I do the self nurturing activities. Trouble is, the times I find that hardest are when I most need to. I didn't manage to do the sewing I said I would do that night, but have done a little better since then. Yesterday I had my weekly gym session and asked J if we could do some Yoga. That was good - affirming in that I can do the stretches and the strength postures so much more easily than I used to be able to, and nurturing in that Yoga helps me with grounding and with mindfulness.
Today has been a busy and in many ways challenging day. It is my father's 70th birthday this week and today we travelled to join in a celebration meal. My brother and his wife and their new daughter were there, and two other people I knew - and 6 I had never met. Socialising for a whole day was quite a challenge for me. On returning home I took myself off for a long and luxurious bath (with some "LUSH" bath bubbles - very nice) and that has helped a bit.
Tomorrow I have various school-related tasks to complete, but I do have a massage booked for the evening, which will be good. I need to make sure I plan something specific for Tuesday, and then make sure I do it.

Doing things to pass the time

That's what it feels like at the moment.

I know there are things I could do to make myself feel better (well, possibly; it's hard to believe that last bit right now) but I find it too difficult to do them.

I'm doing a lot of things which pass time - work, computer, TV. Not much that enriches. Can't remember the last time I did any sewing. Not good.

Hoping I have enough reserves to get through the next 2 weeks and then can recover and regroup.

Meetings

It's been an odd day of meetings today. Our oldest pupils were out of school so I have only had one "normal" lesson to teach. For the rest of the day I was in meetings. Profitable ones; in the morning, I sat down with a colleague and we wrote an outline of our teaching units for one year group in ICT. It was so useful to be able to do it with her and to bounce ideas off each other; I'm happy with the things we have come up with. Now I just have to change those into a scheme. Then this afternooon I met with colleagues from our feeder lower schools and we discussed what we all do in ICT, new ways of working together for the benefit of our pupils and shared some resources. All very good.
Sadly I have not been on top form. Had a really bad night last night and have had a headache all day - direct connection, I am sure. So tired. Heading for the sleeping tablets and bed now.

Weary

Feeling very weary just now. Telling myself that it is the time of the month / end of term / culmination of pressures isn't really helping so am resorting to gritting my teeth and pushing through it. Of course, there's a limit to how long I can do that.

Three weeks to the end of term.

A bit of a wobble

Had a bit of a wobble over the last couple of days. Nothing major, and I have done my best to tackle it by looking at the causes and taking the action I could. But for a couple of days I have felt quite low, a return of the grey cloud.

There's a huge amount going on at work, just from the end of term approaching fast (yippee!) That means reports, trips out, trying to catch up on marking and assessments and all that stuff. Add to that the fact that I am determined to have the learning platform ready for pupils to use. That adds a lot to my work; there are four of us who are administrators but only two of us actually seem to be doing anything, and the other one is completely snowed under with other responsiblities at the moment. So a lot is down to me and I am trying to push things through (like getting pupil users added before September).
Then there is the fact that I have been asked whether I would be prepared to take a secondment for one day a week next year, working to support other schools, and to apply for this post. I'd love it; my head has agreed I can, and I now need to go through the process.
A side issue to this is how my timetable will change to accommodate it; the deputy head has discussed one solution with me which I am really not happy with, so am hoping he can come up with a change (I suggested a couple). His suggestion would involve me dropping the subject I am most qualified in, enjoy the most and have created tons of resources for this year.
H is changing schools this year and E moving in to 6th form - that brings its own challenges. Socially both girls have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks too, which brings added pressures.
I have physical issues going on at the moment. Saw the GP (not able to see either of my usual ones) yesterday and she was good, but it was very difficult to talk about. Hopefully she has given me something to knock it on the head.
Still waiting for a response from the Healthcare Commission.
I'm being kept very well informed by BLPT about the investigation into the poor state of my clinical records; those have been looked at by the Chief Operating Officer who has sent them back to the CMHT to be sorted out properly. However, that too is still in hand.
And, of course, the computer stuff hasn't helped. It took me the whole afternoon to find and copy our emails from the old hard drive and put them onto our new machine. Because we are using Vista the transfer was more complicated (of course!) and I couldn't just export the messages (tried to but it didn't work). So in the end I had to copy them all onto an external drive, folder by folder, and then drag them into our new Windows Mail set ups. Finding them was a nightmare; transferring them even worse! Thank goodness that is now done. The good news is that the hard drives seem fine, though I couldn't boot up Windows on E's machine from the old drive. That may be down to the different motherboard and CPU set up, though. I suspect the CPU/ motherboard on the old machine has died. Not sure whether we will try to rebuild it though.

So that is a summary of where things are for me at the moment. Courtesy of sleeping tablets I had my first decent night's sleep in a long while last night and that has made me feel better. Today I am going in to town with the girls; H needs a dress for her end of term dance and E still needs to get a necklace and bag for her prom. My treat is a trip to the library, though I may look at getting myself another summer dress too.

In need of a breathing space

Today has been a(nother) full on day and I am feeling rather breathless. I suspect I am slightly in danger of being overwhelmed - it's good that I have the Farmington weekend as a full break this weekend. Looking forward to a time of no demands.

Today has been full of them (demands). A busy morning of teaching (enjoyable though it was) culminated in a stressful lesson with one challenging class, where a group of pupils appeared to be going out of their ways to be as obstreperous and incapable as they possibly could. I suspect getting me to do their work for them was top of their agenda.
A short lunch time followed, with the early arrival of the ICT advisor (his arrival on time would have meant I had half an hour for lunch; as it was I was still eating as he arrived). that was followed by the arrival of his boss (the regional KS3 ICT advisor) and his boss's boss (a senior National advisor for KS3 ICT). Ostensibly they were monitoring the work of the consultant, but needless to say I did feel rather on the spot. They posed some challenging (and interested) questions, professed themselves very impressed with what I was doing and planning, and left - but the discussion was wide ranging, covered a multitude of areas and required me to think on my feet a lot. Needless to say, the hour I spent after that with the consultant did not produce the quality of work we both hoped it would - I think both of us had worn ourselves out rather.

So (with yesterday's therapy session and all) I am feeling rather shattered tonight. Elder daughter had a bit of an emotional collapse - fortunately a brief one - earlier on, which I can only put down to post GCSE reaction, and I feel like I could do the same at the moment. Instead I will go and pack a case, I think!

Rest and exercise

Had a really relaxing morning - long lie in with a book. That was nice. This afternoon I raced through my lesson planning and then went out to the gym for my Sunday afternoon two hour marathon. First was "Body Vibe" - an aerobics type class. Now, aerobics and I don't have a good histoy, but I am starting to really enjoy this class. It WAS hard though, and I was pouring with sweat by the end of it! That was followed by the Yoga class. A different sort of pain this. However, I know how helpful that session is to me, particularly in line with all the mindfulness things I am trying to keep in place. Increasingly I use it as a focusing activity - I know the moves by now, so this provides me with a calm space.

It's also proving to be a useful excursion into being sociable. Having gone to the Bodyvibe class for the past 4 weeks now, I am starting to recognise people. I'm even starting to welcome new people. And today it ws great to see a friend of mine there, H. Haven't run into her for a while (busy lives we both lead!) so it was good to have a catchup.

Have done a little marking since returning home - English writing assessments take ages, and I think the evening isn't the best of times for me to tackle them. I need to be at the peak of my concentration and have the time and energy to do several, so that I can get into teh swing of the different criteria. But I have got another three out of the way, which is a step in the right direction.

Off to bed now. Think I will pick out another Jodi Picoult to reread.

Family and home updates

Am feeling completely shattered tonight, though I am not sure why. Probably down to having had last week off and needing to readjust. Marking till 10pm last night probably didn't help much either!

H was given details of her new class today, for when she transfers schools in September. mercifully, she is really happy with the people she is with. E tells us H's new form tutor is "lovely" - E has had her for Music this year. So H is feeling that things are going her way. Great relief all round. This weekend she is on an outdoor activities trip with school.
The end of E's GCSEs is in sight. She has coped really well with them. Today she got another 3 out of the way - two Chemistry and her final English paper - and thinks they went well - which is unusual for her in that she generally thinks she has done really badly (and proves to have done really well when the results appear!) She has another shopping trip to MK planned for this weekend, so lots of taxi duties ahead for us.
W is getting through his exam marking. No news on further gigs yet, but watch this space.

So all is going smoothly in our household. I've had a bit of a gap between therapy sessions but spoke to C today which was helpful, and am seeing D on Monday. I feel I have made a lot of progress recently and am looking forward to discussing this and finding ways to build on it. Certainly the issue of endings seems much less frightening at the moment - even manageable. Which has to be good!

Disheartening day

Training day - says it all, really! I'd far rather have been teaching.

The morning was OK - we discussed ways of making the "most of the opportunities" provided by the latest curriculum changes about to hit us. I've seen so many changes it is hard to be excited about them any more, particularly as it so often seems to me "more of the same".

A stressful challenge was finding that the internet connection was down. It is now, thankfully, repaired, but I felt rather caught in the middle in the ensuing anxieties, and found myself needing to try to provide a solution.

In the afternoon we had joint meetings with colleagues from our local area. We were meeting in subject teams. I just found this incredibly frustrating - even annoying. All our upper school colleagues seemed to care about was their exam results. I suppose there is some justification for that, but what was dispiriting was their obvious attitude that there was no interest to be generated in our subject and their suggestions that we are not teaching the pupils things they need to know, Which is very frustrating, because all of us know we are teaching those things. For some reason that is not being conveyed by the pupils in their new school. We had some "lively debates" (a polite way of putting it) but came away feeling pretty hopeless really. It feels as if we spend a lot of time with younger pupils generating interest and enthusiasm, only to be told that is not important and not what we should be doing. I still beg to differ.

Then, on a very late arrival home, I discovered I had missed an appointment. Added frustration.

Now I'm tired, and still have lessons to prepare. I'm leading the after school training tomorrow as well.