Chill out day

Am having a chill out day today, and enjoying it muchly. Younger daughter had a friend staying over last night; it's lovely to see her happy and secure in the friendship. they went swimming this morning while elder daughter and I dashed into town. This afternoon I have done a (very little) housework, played a computer game, and listened to the new Chris While and Julie Matthews CD, "Together Alone". Very much enjoying it, and doubly looking forward to their upcoming gig near us.
Tomorrow will be a working day; I have lessons to plan and marking to do. I need to limit it and settle for good enough - not always easy for me! I'd also love to do some more work on the learning platform, but that may not happen. I do want to set up some more resources for my next Maths topic.

I slept really well last night - without sleeping tablets, which is a big positive. I've added in the Escitalopram to my medication mix this week, having recognised that racing thoughts were becoming a problem again. It seems to have had the desired effect. I will (of course!) discuss it when I see my wonderful GP on Thursday, but am confident she won't have any objections.

OK, back to some housework. W has his first gig (as partof a duo) tonight in a local pub, so he is out rehearsing at the moment. It's a last minute stand in - they were only booked yesterday, due to the engaged act dropping out. He's very nervous.

Weekend

It's been busy, but lots of little achievements.
Went into town with the girls on Saturday. We shopped at Lidl, which was useful (and cheaper than a lot of places!). We picked up various things we had run out of at other shops too - and a couple of books for the girls as well.
Dyed my hair at home yesterday. It's now a lot darker than it was. I also no longer have grey roots... Wondering how many comments (and what type!) I will get tomorrow.
Did quite a bit of housework too. I really want to stay on top of that. So I cleaned the kitchen floor, cleaned the bathrooms - the kind of things most people do daily, I suspect. Also sorted the laundry, did loads of washing.
Today has been mostly devoted to working - preparing lessons, and doing technical things to enable the students to use our learning platform. They are all uploaded now (the source of some conflict and stress last week) and I have the first lesson planned (which takes care of this week) in great detail. I'm sure they are going to be really enthusiastic about this, and I am really looking forward to seeing in which directions they go.
Lesson planning is done -mostly. I am earmarking a lesson this week to preparing the rest of my Maths lessons. It's really hard to plan these at home without the resources. Last year I tried to do my lesson planning during a non contact lesson I had on Fridays. This year I don't have any non-contacts on Fridays, and I am not in school on Thursdays (it's my consultancy day). Wednesday feels a bit early to plan lessons, but I think I may have to do just that, as far as I can. Otherwise I am going to need to bring lots of resources home. It's a real pain that the curriculum has changed for our Y7 pupils this year (thank you SO much for that, National Curriculum Authority). It means so much replanning in many of the subjects I teach, particularly Maths - which is the subject I find most difficult to plan in any case.
I've also managed to do some genealogy. That has been good.
Am now debating with myself - shall I go to bed and read some more of the new Jodie Picoult book I bought yesterday, or play some computer games. Hmmm.

Productive day

I woke up this morning determined that today I was going to paint the kitchen. I bought the paint 6 months ago, have intended to do it for ages, but never got round to it.

Well, today I did. I cleaned everything, did the skirting board and door frame, and then the walls. Lots of pulling out fridge/freezer, washing machine etc. Lots of standing on the kitchen table (!) A bit of panic when I realised that I had bought 2 tins of different colours (!) and wasn't sure I had enough of the colour I had painted most of the kitchen in - and that particular paint has been discontinued! But I did have enough. Slightly disconcerted to find that the second tine was blue when I intended to paint the kitchen green - and yes, I used the blue instead. Ah well. It's all done and is a massive improvement - lifts my spirits to stand in it. Am determined to repaint more of the house, probably the hall and stairs next because they look the most dingy, but the bathroom is another candidate (it also needs a new floor covering due to the amount of water the girls have splashed around!)

I have to say I am both physically and mentally exhausted now.

Eight more days

That's how much of this school year is left. When I get on to counting the hours, it's time to worry.
I'm going through the motions now - living from day to day and lesson to lesson. I have to sit down tonight and formulate some kind of plan for my Maths lessons for the rest of this week - not easy. The rest of my lessons are "planned" - using that word in its loosest sense! I also need to finish off marking some work in preparation for my last ever lesson with certain classes. The timetable finishes next Wednesday after the first lesson, so for some classes from now on it will be my last session with them.

I also saw my new timetable today. It's OK. I have kept my Year 8 English (which I was under threat of losing) and my Year 8 ICT too. Those are good. Not so good is that I will not be teaching ICT in Y5 or Y7 next year - which is hard for me as ICT subject leader. Also not so good is that I will not get a non-teaching lesson each day, which has been an important part of my survival this year. However, the day on which I do not get a free lesson is Friday, and as the week pans out that looks manageable, so that will not be too major a problem, I hope. The other issue I already knew about, which is that I will continue to teach maths in Year 7 - my least confident subject and the one I have to do most preparation for. So all in all I am quite pleased.

Today was Sports Day. We weren't rained off, thannk goodness, though it was close. It's over for another year.

The rest of the week is "normal" in school (or as normal is it can be at this time of year). Lots going on at home though.

I recognise that I am struggling a bit, just in terms of general tiredness. Felt very tearful today - no obvious reason. Slightly disconnected at times too. Need to hang on to the grounding. Am not going to the gym tonight due to exhaustion. That may or may not be a good thing. I need to put in an alternative nurturing activity; perhaps I may have a bath in a while. Fich and chips takeaway tonight - yum!

Action!

Have decided I must achieve something today (beyond taking the necessary R&R time!) Saturdays tend to slip by for me and I look back and see I have nothing to mark them with. So today I have decided to set myself some tasks. I'll reflect this evening on how many I achieve! The tasks are:
Sort the laundry (it's really mounting up!)
Vacuum at least some of the house.
Do some sewing (I want to finish some more postcards and possibly start some more)
Phone the library to renew library books.

I'm also going to attempt to do them mindfully. At times this week thoughts and ruminations have started to crowd in; minduflness is one way I know of managing this. So while doing each task I will make an effort to be thinking only about it.

This evening I am on taxi duties as E has a party to go to and W is out for the day.

Rest and exercise

Had a really relaxing morning - long lie in with a book. That was nice. This afternoon I raced through my lesson planning and then went out to the gym for my Sunday afternoon two hour marathon. First was "Body Vibe" - an aerobics type class. Now, aerobics and I don't have a good histoy, but I am starting to really enjoy this class. It WAS hard though, and I was pouring with sweat by the end of it! That was followed by the Yoga class. A different sort of pain this. However, I know how helpful that session is to me, particularly in line with all the mindfulness things I am trying to keep in place. Increasingly I use it as a focusing activity - I know the moves by now, so this provides me with a calm space.

It's also proving to be a useful excursion into being sociable. Having gone to the Bodyvibe class for the past 4 weeks now, I am starting to recognise people. I'm even starting to welcome new people. And today it ws great to see a friend of mine there, H. Haven't run into her for a while (busy lives we both lead!) so it was good to have a catchup.

Have done a little marking since returning home - English writing assessments take ages, and I think the evening isn't the best of times for me to tackle them. I need to be at the peak of my concentration and have the time and energy to do several, so that I can get into teh swing of the different criteria. But I have got another three out of the way, which is a step in the right direction.

Off to bed now. Think I will pick out another Jodi Picoult to reread.

Family and home updates

Am feeling completely shattered tonight, though I am not sure why. Probably down to having had last week off and needing to readjust. Marking till 10pm last night probably didn't help much either!

H was given details of her new class today, for when she transfers schools in September. mercifully, she is really happy with the people she is with. E tells us H's new form tutor is "lovely" - E has had her for Music this year. So H is feeling that things are going her way. Great relief all round. This weekend she is on an outdoor activities trip with school.
The end of E's GCSEs is in sight. She has coped really well with them. Today she got another 3 out of the way - two Chemistry and her final English paper - and thinks they went well - which is unusual for her in that she generally thinks she has done really badly (and proves to have done really well when the results appear!) She has another shopping trip to MK planned for this weekend, so lots of taxi duties ahead for us.
W is getting through his exam marking. No news on further gigs yet, but watch this space.

So all is going smoothly in our household. I've had a bit of a gap between therapy sessions but spoke to C today which was helpful, and am seeing D on Monday. I feel I have made a lot of progress recently and am looking forward to discussing this and finding ways to build on it. Certainly the issue of endings seems much less frightening at the moment - even manageable. Which has to be good!

A bit of a week

It's been a mad dash chaotic overloaded week. The pressure doesn't look like easing imminently, with SATs for our Year 6 pupils (on which we will be judged), reports to write, assessments to mark, liason meeting and all the other day to day school stuff. Then there is a course I am attending on Wednesday (which is good, and which will be useful, but which necessitates leaving lessons planned for others to teach - often harder to do than to teach the lesson myself. I have an appointment in connection with my experiences of being in crisis (some research BLPT psychology department are carrying out - that department have treated me well and so I am glad to help if I can); an appointment with my psychiatrist and E's last day at school (scarily she will be on study leave from Thursday!) And on Sunday I have my singing day! Lots of good things, but it does feel rather overloaded.

This week I have been trying out new technology - voting pads. It has gone OK, but has been stressful at times as is the way of technology. I've set - and partially marked - three Maths assessment papers (old KS3 papers). I've set (and not marked) one set of English writing papers. I've written online learning resources, negotiated attendance on courses, tried to soothe ruffled feathers and endeavoured to maintain good relationships with some tricky colleagues. I've also taken a long time to complete the latest three postcards. Hopefully I can be more productive in that area next week - making them is good for me.

And I have struggled with hayfever and lack of sleep. Stopping the antihistamines seems to have reduced (slightly) the exhaustion in the evenings, but waking at 5am every morning is not conducive to high energy levels. That needs to change - I can't keep this up. Sleeping tablet is promised to myself tonight, because hopefully it will enable me to doze off again.

Oh, and as far as the HCC commission goes, I have had no word for them about whether they have received my records. I suspect no news is NOT good news in this case. But anything is possible, I suppose...

Too
much
to
do.

too
tired.

too
alone.

what
to
do?

Self nurturing

That's my plan for today. Have had a leisurely morning so far. I found and used a present I was given ages ago - some body moisturiser. Hoping to do some sewing later, make a box and some bags.

Might take a trip over to MK as well, to Hobbycraft - would like to see if they have any box making kits. However, the weather is awful which puts me off somewhat. Am sitting looking into our garden. The Rottweiler next door (named Kayleigh!) has a habit of throwing itself up at the fence which has already meant that one panel has been replaced three times and repaired many more. Some weeks back she had broken the supporting struts; now it is hanging by one nail on one side and is starting to come apart at the bottom as well.

Just...

believe other people aren't ignoring you (you're being over sensitive)

wait and see what happens

teach your best lessons tomorrow

hold parents' evening after school and prove to all the parents you are doing everything possible for their shild

attend the concert after work at E's school (in which she is performing)

complete an assessment on every child you teach and fill it in on the pupil tracking sheet

get all your marking up to date

prepare resources for the training session you are leading on the first day back

solve all the problems with the new virtual learning environment

plan new ICt lessons to cover the new curriculum at KS3

write the development plan for ICT

be the perfect mum

deal with all the flashbacks

Take your medicines like a good girl


Nope, I don't think I can do this right now.

But there doesn't seem to be anyone asking if I can doing it, just telling me I have to.

Girly shopping

Just got back from a shopping trip to MK with my daughters. We had a good time. Bought the girls new clothes, books etc - spoilt them a bit. Then, as we were heading back, we walked past Lush and the smell drew us in. I bought each of us a bubble bath bomb. A real luxury - and I am glad I did. The girls are both looking forward to using theirs, and I am pleased I was able to choose one for myself too.

I really wanted to make a "Build a Bear" - for myself! I dragged the girls in, but they clearly thought this was a little odd... though when we talked about it later, I suggested to E that we would go in on her 18th birthday and make her a bear - and she really liked the idea. I want to do one for myself too - and I just might manage to do that at some time, though probably not on a busy Saturday.

Very tired now and drained from the week. Recharging time is needed.

Sunday

Took myself a rest day today. I am on a course tomorrow and have already planned the cover lessons, so today I didn't do any school work. What I did do was:
some housework - dusting, hoovering, washing, emptying binss, all the usual stuff;
some online genealogy;
some work on the workbook C recommended (which did arrive on Friday - can't remember if I already blogged that);
some reading - children's books
some sewing - I nearly finished a pincushion to match my new workbox (which I completed at home yesterday) and the trug I made on a previous course. They are all of the same fabric, and I am pleased with them. I just need some PVA glue to complete them, then I will post some photos.

So, a fun day, even with the harder / less fun stuff in there. And, I have to say, I feel so much better for having taken the time out. I wonder if it is worth trying to rejig my working week so that I get my planning and marking done in the week and can have more weekends to myself.

Today

Today was a tough day in many ways.

Despite the overwhelming usefulness of my session with C yesterday, it brought lots to the surface. I worked hard at pushing the worrying away and not dwelling on it, promising myself the 20 minutes "worry time" C and I agreed tonight if I still felt that was needed. Events at school conspired to help me to do that - I barely had time to draw breath all day, never mind fret!

I was teaching our oldest year group (12-13 year olds) all morning. My first lesson was ICT - this class were really chatty, unwilling to listen and focus and I found that very frustrating. My second class I was dreading - it was a cover lesson for a member of staff who is on a school trip, and I was told that they were "very difficult" for him. Actually, it went well - and I had compliments passed on to me about my teaching being the main reason for that. The third morning lesson was English and this I relaly enjoyed. Good to finish the morning on a high note!

Lunch time was taken up with seeing people and preparing for lesson 4, when I was observing a colleague in my role as head of department. I hate doing this - although of all the staff in the department the one I observed today is the one I worry least about talking to about her teaching. But I do feel uncomfortable making suggestions about improvements. However, C took my two suggestions very positively and we had a good talk about relating these to departmental improvements.

My final lesson of the day was a nightmare. Y7 Maths - with the students who (for various reasons) are not on the week-long French trip. A combination of characters in the set, all the difficult ones present and I really did not feel fully in control. Imposing discipline was nearly impossible, and i found it hard to get a whole sentence out without being interrupted. I found it incredibly frustrating - and am just glad that I only have to teach this group on one more occasion.

Tomorrow is another day (unfortunately it includes Y7 Maths... and being on duty at break and after school...) and I'm off for some serious relaxation now, in preparation.

Energy and its misuse!

With the end of this half term (yesterday) seems to have come a burst of energy. Today I have done a major supermarket shop, and a major cooking session. We now have 10 double servings of home made cannelloni int he freezer, plus 5 of a rather nice roasted root vegetable mix and 3 of my personal creations, Italian Pie. this means cooking will be easier for my other half (he is the week-day cook in this house, and usually the weekend one too) as he will only have to get a chosen meal out of the freezer. It also means I am feeling much satisfaction, but also much exhaustion.
Am planning to do as little as possible for the evening. Daughters have been dispatched (by husband) to tackle the washing up.

How to make Christmas happen

These things need to happen. This post is a reminder of that to myself, but also a reminder that I don't have to make them all happen by myself.

Cards need to be written and posted.

Presents need to be decided on and bought.

The tree needs to be put up and decorated.

Food needs to be bought, prepared and cooked.

My sewing stuff needs to be cleared from the dining room so it can become - well, a dining room!
Some presents need to be posted.


The list doesn't look so overwhelming, does it? But it is so tangled up in my own stuff that it seems impossible.
For a start it is tied up in my own memories of Christmas. This was a time we spent at my grandparents' house. Hence it was a time when I felt safe, when I was able to be a child and when I did not have the responsiblities which were mine at home. Christmas was a happy time, a time when my parents were on their best behaviour, and a time when I was protected from their needs by the presence of my grandparents. I have associations of it being a wonderful time. I want to recreate that idyll for my own children, and for myself. I want Christmas to be like it was for me as a child - and it can't be, for all sorts of reasons.
Then there is the whole "need to please" aspect, linked for me with fear of rejection if it is not what others want / need / expect. In my mind, I have to do it all. In reality, I don't, but I do have to organise a huge amount of it and therefore feel responsible for most of it. It's in danger of becoming something of a show. I need to please others with the gifts I buy them - and making decisions about what to buy hence carries a lot of baggage with it.
Add to that the finance element and things become even more complicated. I want to give the world - but I also don't want nasty letters from the bank.
Just to add to the mix, there is a whole aspect of fear, for Christmas is an unstructured time and I am well aware that the structure of school, being with others etc is very important right now in keeping me as stable as I am. Many professionals will not be available. Friends will not be around. It's emotionally isolating.
So Christmas is a bit scary at the moment. Here's hoping it all works out OK.

Rant

I'd just like to know why, when I am apparently the one in need of rest and recovery time, am I still the one:
Remembering other people's appointments (and those I haven't reminded for have been forgotten)
Doing, it seems to me, all the housework that gets done (not a huge amount, admittedly)
Tidying up other people's things
Finding other people's lost items (which were buried under their dumped papers, books, old pizza boxes etc)
Trying to solve an increasingly unsolveable insurance claim (none of the three people who we thought had various responsiblities for unforeseen events will cover the rotted window frame)
Organising car repairs and services (which we can't afford)
Worrying about / trying to discuss our money situation
Keeping in touch with those I thought were friends / colleagues / support for me (I've had no phone calls from anyone who knows me in "3D" except for those i have initiated)


I'm trying not to do it, really I am. But if I don't there will be no washing done, no laundry put away, the floor will gradually become covered with the things other people drop and I can't even think about the financial repercussions. Meantime I am struggling with tiredness, greyness, and massive abandonment issues (in therapy sessions if real life wasn't enough).

End of rant.