Kubler-Ross stages of grief

(from Wikipedia, of course)
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Currently thinking about this with reference to my childhood. Had a positive but hard session with D today. Lots touched on and discussed, including the spectres I only glimpse faintly at the moment. We talked about whether I want to look more closely at these spectres, and if so how I would do that.

The denial I remember going through in great detail, and for a long time, with my psychologist. I think I got to the point of accepting that what happened wasn't ideal, could have been better. Anger is one I struggle with a lot. Just recognising it is difficult, but I can see how I have turned that anger on myself over the years, which led to (and reflected) my depression. Not sure about the bargaining - mainly because I know there is more I have not faced yet, so bargaining is impossible; I have to be honest with myself and accept things before I can move to that. At the moment I am at grief - shown strongly today. I need to get through that, experience it, and experience the anger turned outward (as I briefly did today). To do that I have to believe it is safe to allow myself to feel and express the anger. I came a step closer to that today, but it was frightening and painful.

I
want
to
screamnshout n letitallout n bangabout n
...
cry

I
want
to
hideaway n notgoouttoplay n darkentheday n
...
sigh.



I
want
to
disappear n cryrealtears n hidefromfear n
...
...

Thursday afternoon

Lyrics here.

Another good day. I lost my non contact because of a whole school activity - oh well. The drama lesson "exceeded expectations" - mine, at any rate!

Have been thinking about the "tea and cake" type meetings The Shrink mentions here. I can see that, now I am in recovery (I hope!) my meetings with the various health professionals I meet with (currently psychiatrist 3 monthly, CMHN monthly, therapist fortnightly, and GP monthly) could degenerate into that type of approach. However, at the moment I feel this contact is really important to me. It's starting to develop into fortnightly appointments (having been weekly for quite some time) and I'm feeling comfortable about the change. I'm hoping to develop it further so that the meetings become monthly, but I don't feel I am "quite there" yet.

Part of this feeling is due to historical issues around abandonment. After the disastrous experiences last time I felt able to reduce contacts (when I ended up with no contacts at all and rapidly deteriorated into crisis) I have been very wary of suggesting my contacts could start to be spaced out. It's a measure of the trust I have form my new CMHT that I am even able to consider this.

It's also a safety net. I discussed this with C tonight and again with my GP today. Having the appointments in place makes me feel safer, and that in turn acts as a barrier against deterioration. Strictly speaking I might not "need" fortnightly appointments at the moment, but knowing they are in place makes me feel able to take risks and feel OK about doing so. It means I know if things do go wrong, I don't have the additional stress of trying to get an appointment to talk about it. (When things are difficult it is even more difficult for me to ask for help, and so I don't do so. If the help is already in place I know I can talk about my needs). So the fortnightly appointments mean that I am less likely to become unwell and need even more support (and probably end up off work).

I struggle with feeling guilty at the help I am getting. However, weighing up the costs, an hour a fortnight is enabling me to be at work full time and not to need as many medications. Surely that has to be a good deal?

On the up...

Things seem (touch wood, fingers crossed, pray hard) to be on the up for me, mental health wise. While I have had occasional low points, they have been less low and shorter. And I am generally feeling positive. I even managed a decent night's sleep without sleeping tablets last night. I'm enjoying teaching (though the drama lesson I taught today was definitely NOT one of my best - well outside my comfort zone!) and pupils are mostly responding positively.
Some of this is down to the increased light. A lot of it is down to a period of stability in the support I am being given. I've found that my current CMHT are to be trusted (and am trying to do so). It's still scary knowing that sessions with D will end - part of me sees her as the lynchpin, the person who has ensured that the support has been there when it has been needed. The underlying fear is that it will not be there once my contact with her has gone. But I'm trying really hard not to catastrophise and to keep reminding myself that the people I am in contact with now have not let me down. She has also given me some assurances which have helped.

So I'm sharing a sunny moment with you. HOpe the sun is shining where you are too.

Things are not always as you see them

Like a swan gliding along on the water, there is often much frantic paddling going on beneath the surface. The swan works hard to achieve the illusion of serenity and power.



We see through our own filters. We need to remove our glasses from time to time to see the richness and contrast - not just see it in terms of our own preferred colours.



Looking through the wrong end of binoculars gives us a perception which suggests depth - but without the bigger picture it is meaningless.



And the picture changes over time. People who appeared supportive and understanding, even friendly, can choose to withdraw that connection. They can change the opinion of others - or choose to support the status quo. It's important to compare the present with the past in order to fully understand the current situation.

There have been 24 "clicks" in response to my email request to look at the previous post.

Two people have contacted me.
One person has promised to look into the situation.

Helen Buckingham has emailed me to say, "I understand that your concerns are being addressed through Paul Mullin, our Chief Executive."
As I responded to Ms Buckingham, that does not seem to be the case.
Mr Mullin has not responded to any of my emails following his reply in which he totally ignored the issues I asked him to reply to. He has not contacted me at all. Given this, I cannot see how he can be addressing my concerns. Rather, he is ignoring them and me. Probably hoping I will go away. It seems extremely rude to me. Given that I have asked him to address specific questions I don't understand why he believes it is acceptable to ignore them and me.

It is also causing me huge stress.

I'm not coping well.

I'm having massive episodes of dissociation. I can't stay with it at all. There's worse too. Won't post it here.

Thank you to those of you who have shown kindness and support. There have been some within BLPT who have done so too. Unfortunately you don't seem able to influence anything. And I am not sure I can cope with it any more. I know it seems ridiculous, incomprehensible to many of you that i can't just leave it, stop fighting. But I don't understand - I don't understand, I really just don't understand why a mental health organisation believes it is OK to ignore questions they have promised, in writing to answer. How is that OK? Can anyone help me to understand that, please? Please? PLEASE?

It gets harder to hang on. especially knowing D is leaving. I'm not coping well with that. I have to get to know a new person. What if she decides to go away as others have done? What if she is absent? I'm scared, really scared.

I need to talk to someone but I am scared to pick up the phone.

Rant

I'd just like to know why, when I am apparently the one in need of rest and recovery time, am I still the one:
Remembering other people's appointments (and those I haven't reminded for have been forgotten)
Doing, it seems to me, all the housework that gets done (not a huge amount, admittedly)
Tidying up other people's things
Finding other people's lost items (which were buried under their dumped papers, books, old pizza boxes etc)
Trying to solve an increasingly unsolveable insurance claim (none of the three people who we thought had various responsiblities for unforeseen events will cover the rotted window frame)
Organising car repairs and services (which we can't afford)
Worrying about / trying to discuss our money situation
Keeping in touch with those I thought were friends / colleagues / support for me (I've had no phone calls from anyone who knows me in "3D" except for those i have initiated)


I'm trying not to do it, really I am. But if I don't there will be no washing done, no laundry put away, the floor will gradually become covered with the things other people drop and I can't even think about the financial repercussions. Meantime I am struggling with tiredness, greyness, and massive abandonment issues (in therapy sessions if real life wasn't enough).

End of rant.