Bleh

So I have "new strategies" and I am trying to use them to stave off the things my twisted brain seems to want me to think, possibly do.
Some work, some don't.
At the same time I'm urged not to try so hard all the time. There's an interesting conflict! I'm trying not to try so hard!

Life is full of interesting conflits right now.
The thoughts have been triggered by a "situation" at work. A situation which arose from me trying to do another thing I was urged to - be assertive. In fact J and I celebrated the fact that I had been assertive and had expressed my feelings about the pressure being put on many members of staff by the management. I was feeling good about it. Feeling I was making progress.
Then the management responded.
And I switched right back into childhood and childish responses, and self blame, and self harm, and dark dark intentions and thoughts which left my GP wanting to refer me to the crisis team. And to me refusing that offer (which will be no surprise to anyone who read my blog during my previous contact with the mental health team.)

So new meds, revisiting old meds, increased contact with my GP (who IS wonderful) and with J (who is also wonderful). All occuring during the holiday - which is probably a good thing in some ways, but in others is crappy, because being away from work allows me to catastrophise and imagine and think everyone there must hate me... and because it's the holidays and I want to be enjoying and appreciating them.

Oh, and I have a broken tooth so imminent dental work (big trigger) and an "invitation" to make an appointment for a smear test (even bigger trigger) and money is tight and and and...

But there you go.

All kinds of things are conflating at the moment, and I am just working at staying upright and functioning. Compartmentalising to the nth degree. Feeling very uncertain that this will ever end in a good way, but trying to hang ont o the fact that J and my GP both assure me that it will end in a good way and that they will stick by me until it does.

Depression sucks. Just in case you didn't know it.