I find it so hard to cope with silence at the best of times. This really isn't the best of times. The fact that nobody from blpt has had the courtesy or common humanity to even acknowledge my emails (which must have alerted them to something being very wrong for me and me needing help) has totally messed me up just now. I know my thinking is out of balance and that upsets me even more. I hate not being able to think clearly. I hate being so dependent on others to feel even vaguely OK. D is fantastic but she keeps pointing me to the need to be able to make myself feel OK, not to have to depend on others for a sense of being acceptable. i know she is right, but I just can't seem to do it - it isn't in me any more.
Part of me really wants to remove my blog altogether.
It's the silence. the fact that none of them even acknowledge my hurt. I want someone to just tell me, on behalf of blpt, that they hear how much I am hurting. not just to treat me like a non person. Silence was such a potent, powerful weapon in my childhood - mum refusing to acknowledge me when I did something with which she disagreed, silence used as a weapon. It's the worst of weapons for me. I want to act like a child, throw a tantrum so that they will notice me - but they are better at ignoring me than I am at making a noise. It's like they can block their ears so I keep trying to get them to acknowledge me and I no longer know where that is going to end. I'm very very scared.
(post edited 25.11.07)