Sunday, 25 November 2007

I find it so hard to cope with silence at the best of times. This really isn't the best of times. The fact that nobody from blpt has had the courtesy or common humanity to even acknowledge my emails (which must have alerted them to something being very wrong for me and me needing help) has totally messed me up just now. I know my thinking is out of balance and that upsets me even more. I hate not being able to think clearly. I hate being so dependent on others to feel even vaguely OK. D is fantastic but she keeps pointing me to the need to be able to make myself feel OK, not to have to depend on others for a sense of being acceptable. i know she is right, but I just can't seem to do it - it isn't in me any more.
Part of me really wants to remove my blog altogether.
It's the silence. the fact that none of them even acknowledge my hurt. I want someone to just tell me, on behalf of blpt, that they hear how much I am hurting. not just to treat me like a non person. Silence was such a potent, powerful weapon in my childhood - mum refusing to acknowledge me when I did something with which she disagreed, silence used as a weapon. It's the worst of weapons for me. I want to act like a child, throw a tantrum so that they will notice me - but they are better at ignoring me than I am at making a noise. It's like they can block their ears so I keep trying to get them to acknowledge me and I no longer know where that is going to end. I'm very very scared.

(post edited 25.11.07)

1 comment:

Rainbow dreams said...

Caroline, I have just e mailed you - then saw you had put your blog back...
Silence is a very powerful weapon... I wish they would acknowledge your communications - it isn't much to ask...
and though it's not much, know that we hear you and hear your pain.

Each and every one of us relies on people to validate who we are, and that only happens throgh communication - whilst being strong and independent is seen as how we should be, I'm not so sure thats how we are made, we are social beings and I doubt there is anyone who feels so confident about themselves that they don't need anyone else for any length of time..
We have up times and down times - and when we are down we need others more than ever... you're human and're sensitive and caring and beautiful and you deserve to be loved and cared for..
sending love and holding you..