Thursday, 24 January 2008


I hide behind a series of masks, but please don't be fooled by them. I appear confident and in control while inside I fear and flounder. Despite the smile my mask displays, my unmasked self is lonely and scared, fearing rejection and disapproval.

I put on my mask daily. It is so familiar to me that it moulds itself to the contours of my face. At times it feels constricting, enfolding, entrapping. Some days I fear I will never be able to remove it. Some days I wonder if there is a real face behind the mask.

I'm afraid to go out without my mask. Few who know me, face to face, have seen my real face. I hide it. I'm ashamed of who and what I am. I long to be real to - but I am afraid my real self is unacceptable.

So I hide behind a series of masks. But please don't be fooled by them.


mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Aww C

Well, you don't have to put on a mask for me.

My day has been very different to yours as in I have been totally ME. Has that served me well. Too early to tell but I do feel like I was real and I didn't have to pretend anything.

Put another boundary in place. That might lead to a bit more loneliness but I am starting to remove myself from all places that continually aggrevate me or drive me more nuts.

Being tolerant has its uses but putting up with things when actually they don't help is something else.

Anyway, enough of me. I hope you find some space where you can take them masks off. Breath a bit easier and be content with what you see. If only for a short while


Kathryn said...

It feels so much safer sometimes, I know...but try to believe that God at least knows and loves Caroline exactly as she is.
Still here. Still praying xxx

the little medic said...

Hiding behind a mask too often led me to almost turn into the mask person. Not a good thing.

Know that makes no sense but I know what you mean.

Disillusioned said...

Mandy, thank you. Space for me is something D & I talked about today. I have to make the mindfulness a priority, especially over the coming week. Not easy to do - everything and everyone else seems a higher priority.
Kathryn, thank you too. I appreciate your assurances and your prayers.
Little medic - it actually makes a lot of sense to me, what you said. Sometimes I feel the mask is more real than I am. Thank you for understanding.

MMP said...

our own voice, our own priorities....we are used to putting then waay back there on the list of Things To Do

it's tough to start to inch our own self up
but it is allowable
it is permissable
it is ( even) good for Others that we do this

though they might not exactly appreciate it at the time ;)

Disillusioned said...

Hi G

Thanks for this response. You are right about priorities and prioritising. I just have a massive problem with putting my own needs alongside those of anyone else....