I suspect I am succeeding in making those closest to me believe all is going OK at the moment. Superficially it is. I am at work, I'm not falling apart, I'm managing to tackle things and not obsessing too much.
However, I do see warning signs. I'm putting my life into little compartments again - home, school, therapy. I'm also starting to wear those masks mentioned elsewhere. I know that neither of these are helathy for me. I'm also starting to volunteer to do things, even though I feel overloaded. Some of the daily self-nurturing is not happening. I'm finding I'm scratching myself again, without being aware of it. Alcohol ... no, we won't mention that! And I'm having moments where I am terrified at all the things surrounding me.
I'm trying to "park" certain things, to be discussed with D. (D - there's another one; this month sees her leaving her current post and ceasing to be my Care Coordinator, and that terrifies me on so many levels). I'm making lists and prioritising, and sometimes managing to complete tasks (I did finish a load of marking today). However, faster than I can tick one job off my list, another two arrive. And the 200 or so pupil reports I have to write have not been started yet. Nor have the learning modules I have to write, which are part of my appraisal, part of the school development plan and the focus of sessions with one of the consultants. This weekend is full - I have a sewing course on Saturday which will be lovely, but ... and then we go to my parents' for Saturday evening and Sunday. Planning? NO idea when that will happen.
In the midst of all this our senior managers have given us a long list of things we have to do to raise performance at SATs tests. We are measured by this performance. We have been given joint responsibility for the results. However, it's the pupils who will sit the tests - not us. So why does it feel that, if the pupils do not meet the silly targets set by our local authority and national government, it will be entirely our fault?
I can lay guilt trips on myself - I really don't need anyone else to help me with that!
Stop the world - I want to get off.