Monday, 14 January 2008


As those of you who have been reading here for a while will know, I don't "do" changes comfortably. I need to plan them out, get used to them, accept their inevitability - and even then, I don't deal with them well.
Changes in relationships are always hard. Especially hard, for me, are changes which involve the ending of a relationship, for whatever reason. Sometimes it feels like my therapeutic journey has been full of changes. There was R (who referred me on the secondary mental health services, quite appropriately); M (my previous care coordinator, who dropped me without notification or explanation); Dr F (who I refused to see any more); S (whose absences through ill health made things difficult at times); then D, my psychologist (a planned ending, which would have been, I believe, possible for me to deal with had it not been for the absence of other supports). Now the time comes close to change my relationship with D, my CPN.
D is moving on to "better things". She has given me plenty of warning of this, which I appreciate. She leaves at the end of January. I will be seeing her for a little while after this, for CBT work, but her role as my care coordinator and CPN will be taken over by C from the end of this month.

I'm told C is very nice, and I have no reason to doubt this. I know I have a "robust" CPA in place. I know I will continue to see D for a while, which I appreciate. I'm told that my new CMHT are aware of my need of support and this will not be removed without my agreement. However, each of these points is, at least partially, defeated by my experience and my fears.
I thought M was nice, at first. She dropped me, and, I have since found, was negative about me to other staff within BLPT. I thought I had a robust CPA in place with the previous CMHT. However, it was ignored, counted as irrelevant; the support within it refused due to lack of manpower / my needs having been met in the psychology input I have had. I thought I would continue to see S, my previous CPN, but her illness made this impossible. I thought my support from the previous CMHT would continue, but it did not; I was deemed to be unworthy of their support, despite my attempts to explain my needs.

I am, I have to say, very anxious. I'm due to meet C, with D, on Wednesday. It's planned, the first of two handover meetings. I'm scared. I'm scared my support disappearing again. I'm scared because I will be meeting someone new. I'm scared because it brings D's departure closer and I know I can trust her; I don't have that certainty with anyone else in the team yet.

I know I have to do this, but I really don't want to. I wonder how aware mental health workers are of the challenge of change for many of us with mental illness. In a world where so much feels chaotic and uncertain, where it is at times hard to make sense of things, where thinking and reasoning are difficult - the stability of relationships is crucial. I know this change can't be avoided, but the child in me wants to stamp and refuse to go along with it. I just don't "do" changes comfortably.


Awareness said...

change is difficult, I agree especially when it comes when one isn't feeling too confident in the trust factor. I have found myself not comfortable with change as much as I normally am because of the fact that I'm continually second guessing myself in my job because of the lack of support and trust all around me.

i hate that feeling.

sorry i havent been around much. i am back at work and it was very busy last stuff, but didn't comment.

good luck with the appts.

Disillusioned said...

Thanks, Dana.
Trust is the big thing. I've built up trust (against the odds) with D, but doing it again with someone new seems like a big deal.

Thanks for coming by.

MMP said...

hey, thinking of you right now

Disillusioned said...

Thanks, mmp

Getting very nervous. Don't know what I am going to say when D asks what I want to talk about in ouor session - because I can't open up to many of the things I would say with someone there I don't know. I just feel too vulnerable about them, and too ashamed of many of them.

MMP said...

trust is a funny old thing isn't it?

usually NOonebares their soul with an audience present.

And yet some people are regularly asked to

take it slowly?
state the obvious?
verbalise those thoughts? "I don't really know what to talk about,
because i feel realy quite ashamed
and it's quite hard to talk
with someone here i don't know...

that should work

hey ho

big prayers n hugs and you DO have my sympathies about change.....

Disillusioned said...

Wow, mmp, thank you - what a great response.

D was great. She asked what I wanted to talk about - and made some suggestions of her own, as did C. we talked through those which were relevant to C and then D suggested C could go, and we did some more work on things i couldn't have talked about with a new person there (just as you suggested, in fact!)