People won't give up on me. For all my trying. I manage for a while to distance myself from everyone. I managed it for most of today's work time - until the end of the day the most anyone said to me was "hello", apart from one person who broke me by asking how I was and giving me a hug. Then at the end of the day something similar happened with another person.
Then I saw my GP. I intended to hide things. I couldn't. I think she saw something of where I am, and I let things out that I had no intention of showing - like how I want to push people away so that if I do take that final step it won't hurt so much.
The upshots were that I agreed to see J again, agreed to a change in meds (back to Venlafaxine, which worked well for me for a long time) and agreed to see Dr M next week. In return she won't make me see the crisis team or one of the psychiatrists. (She even offered a psychiatrist in a different team, a "good one" as she put it, but after previous experiences I don't trust any of them).
I broke fully after that and phoned J. It felt distant. Not sure if that was me or her or both. She said lots of things. I asked if she had phoned Dr M - she said not, but that she would have if I hadn't seen Dr M tonight.
I'm scared about seeing her on Thursday - scared she will be angry or distant or both.