I can only say things are getting worse.
Have made the decision to cut myself off as much as possible.
Found myself looking at ropes in a sports shop recently. They were climbing ropes. I wasn't thinking about climbing. Didn't buy. The thoughts are there. They went away for a while but they are definitely there.
Phoned J today to tell her I thought it best to stop seeing her. She didn't agree. I couldn't explain that it isn't that I don't want to see her. I do, but I know I am beyond her help and that if I see her and if I do something to myself then she will blame herself.