OK so I admit it. Tis all impossible. merging the pieces of my life, the broken bits, with the me other people see - the me I let them see, the me I want them to see - that is impossible.
Seems I have a choice. I have to choose. Am I the broken one or the 100% fine one? Am I the jigsaw or capable and coping?
I've tried to be coping. Tried to ignore the cracks, the joins. Tried to pretend they are not there. But they are.
Tired of disappointing people. Tired of letting them down, wasting their time. Tired of believing it will be OK. Maybe it won't. Maybe it can't be. So what then?
Can you accept me as broke? Can you sit with me knowing that I may never be whole? Maybe you can, but most people around me can't. So tell me, what is the best thing to do? Disappoint them (and myself) for the rest of my time here - or put a stop to it all now?
I'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.
Blogs I read
- A Fortunate Man
- A Long Walk to Forever
- Awareness
- Dare to Dream
- Fighting the Urge
- Frolicking Through Llife
- Good in parts
- I'm a Medical Student...
- Lake Cocytus
- Mandy
- Marcella
- Medicines, Animals and a Dream
- Mental nurse
- Mouse
- Nearly time
- Neenaw
- One Pedestrian Away
- Pip
- Pole to Polar
- Police Inspector Blog
- Rainbow Dreams
- Random Acts of Reality
- Rufus May
- Schizophrenia - a Carer's Story
- Seratonin
- The fight for Mrs Carr
- The muddled marketplace
- There and Back
- Traumaqueen
- Useless CPN
4 comments:
"think we're all broke"
( to use childish grammatical error)
think we all walk with a limp too.
(only some pretend not to)
I am coming to think that everyone is at least a little bit broken. Maybe that's why people are uncomfortable when some of us try to admit it, or are a bit more broken, or want to own and live with our brokenness not hide it? (hiding it is so much WORK, and so much a painful lie...). It's fear and recognition they're feeling, not disappointment.
Probably that's no help at all... but you aren't alone, other people do recognise how you feel, even if they aren't people in your day-to-day life.
I agree Jane - and definitely when I have been less than understanding of brokenness in others it is because I recognise it in myself and am afraid. YOU here have helped me to understand more and with understanding comes a resolution of fear.
I agree too.
Someone once said this to me (paraphrased!)
"You think of yourself as a despicable dwarf with halitosis and hide within armour so others won't see how terrible you are. But what you don't realise is that everyone around you is a dwarf with halitosis as well."
It does help to know I am not the only one to feel broken. (And I feel slightly less broken at the moment, after a very helpful counselling session this week.)
Thanks all of you for the support.
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