Saw my wonderful GP today. It was good to be able to report my improved mood. I think the change in meds has finally "worked through", and I am feeling more secure with J. I'm still anxious about the new approach we are going to try tomorrow, but I do trust her to keep me safe and grounded. I also talked with Dr F about Christmas - a difficult time for me - and what I can do to keep things OK. (I need to get on top of the housework and the Christmas shopping!)
Also had a phone call from Dr K's office. It appears he will not be doing the clinic tomorrow afternoon when I am due to see him (the appointment, you may recall, which I have cancelled). Feels like rather late notice to let me know that, but they did phone and they did offer me an appointment first thing tomorrow. I can't / won't make that appointment because I will be seeing J first thing tomorrow - and that is more important to me. In any case, I have made the decision to stop contact with BLPT. I discussed this with my GP, and she agreed with me that the promises of support which do not appear are difficult for me, hard to cope with, distressing. I don't understand it still - why would Dr K (completely genuinely, I am sure) assure me that I needed, deserved and would get support, when the resources within BLPT appear to be insufficient to provide that support. It would, perhaps, be more comprehensible if it were a "one off" failure, but it is repeated, recurring, enduring and unexplained. It just doesn't make sense to me that an organisation dedicated to mental health would behave this way.
Still, things continue to feel more positive. In some ways it is difficult for me to remember how negative they felt a week ago. I think this is partly a survival mechanism.