Wednesday, 3 December 2008


Saw my wonderful GP today. It was good to be able to report my improved mood. I think the change in meds has finally "worked through", and I am feeling more secure with J. I'm still anxious about the new approach we are going to try tomorrow, but I do trust her to keep me safe and grounded. I also talked with Dr F about Christmas - a difficult time for me - and what I can do to keep things OK. (I need to get on top of the housework and the Christmas shopping!)

Also had a phone call from Dr K's office. It appears he will not be doing the clinic tomorrow afternoon when I am due to see him (the appointment, you may recall, which I have cancelled). Feels like rather late notice to let me know that, but they did phone and they did offer me an appointment first thing tomorrow. I can't / won't make that appointment because I will be seeing J first thing tomorrow - and that is more important to me. In any case, I have made the decision to stop contact with BLPT. I discussed this with my GP, and she agreed with me that the promises of support which do not appear are difficult for me, hard to cope with, distressing. I don't understand it still - why would Dr K (completely genuinely, I am sure) assure me that I needed, deserved and would get support, when the resources within BLPT appear to be insufficient to provide that support. It would, perhaps, be more comprehensible if it were a "one off" failure, but it is repeated, recurring, enduring and unexplained. It just doesn't make sense to me that an organisation dedicated to mental health would behave this way.

Still, things continue to feel more positive. In some ways it is difficult for me to remember how negative they felt a week ago. I think this is partly a survival mechanism.


Polar Bear said...

It is possible that what Dr K told you were what he felt were true - that you needed the support and should get the support. But maybe the people above him might have a different opinion and somehow felt that you should NOT get the services because they are under resourced. It is possible Dr K has a difference of opinion but there is nothing he can do because the people above him have the authority over him.

It kinda reminds me of a counsellor I used to see in the public service. An incident led to the service discharging me even tho the counsellor I was seeing felt like he wanted to continue seeing me and that I NEEDED the support. He told me straight up that if it were up to him, he would continue seeing me, but felt his hands were tied behind his back because his supervisor did not agree.

Disillusioned said...

yes, I know, but...
he's the CONSULTANT.
And he told me that the team leader had given him a "personal guarantee" that I would be allocated to a care coordinator.
It would possibly have been more realistic for him to ahve said he would "recommend" that I would be supported - but he didn't. He told me the team leader had promised that I would be supported witha Care Coordinator. There's a difference.

I guess what I am saying is "don't promise if you can't deliver". Because it messes with our heads. Say "we would like..." or "we recommend..." but don't say "this will happen" and then act surprised when mentally unwell people are upset if it doesn't happen.
It's hard for me to trust people. A previous CC within BLPT told me I could trust Dr K and that he would deliver. I trusted. He didn't deliver. I'm not holding him responsible for the lack of delivery, but I do think he is accountable for making promises to me.

theMuddledMarketPlace said...

...i like that picture.....

La-reve said...

Glad you are feeling better no thanks to your trust. Hope your meeting tommorow with counsellor goes well.

Clueless said...

I just wanted to say hello as I have stumbled my way to your blog which is very good. I like the picture for this one. I am glad that you are feeling better.

marcella said...

so glad you are feeling a bit better and continue to have the support of your GP. With the Trust who knows? A lot of managers are very anti-consultant so may be he got tricked by someone who wanted to trip HIM up. Either way, so glad that what you are doing with the GP and the counsellor is working.

Mandy said...

Hi C

Hmmm...blockages in the system (re Polar Bear's thoughts on the hierarchy).

Am wondering, following discussion with support worker, whether talking therapy will come to pass. I believe in her, she does get the picture but when it comes to the next layer up, and the layer above that, I do wonder who actually makes the decisions.

It is worth taking chances sometimes, in the hope that the right sort of help will be there but whatever is going on with your psychiatrist isn't okay. He didn't even know that you had sent an official letter. Certainly from what you have written he is acting dumb about it.... And miscommunications seem to be the order of the day. That is nothing new with BLPT.

I don't want to say what is best but if your GP and any other professional help received outside of BLPT is better than coming up against constant barriers then that must be a good thing for you. Provides some stability and I hope that continues. Is great to read that your GP is consistenly supportive towards you and understands the situation too.

Take care