Thursday, 30 October 2008


Saw him today - he was good but there are too many changes highlighted for me and some I can't cope with.

The essence is that the Community mental health teams in my area have been reorganised from three to two and the team I was with no longer exists. What is more, this would put me back into the team where I had previous "difficult" encounters, particularly the manager of that team. to add to that, my psychiatrist, who I trust and respect, told me he doesn't think he will be doing outpatient clinics any more.

Like I said, too much change.

He has told me he will continue to see me. I hope this does work out, because I really don't think I can cope with a change of consultant. He has also told me he will ensure I am assigned to someone in the "other" CMHT - ie, not the one where I have a history of problems. I hope this will be the case, but I am very very anxious now about both.

The fact that I got so upset was revealing to me of the state I am in. It shouldn't have mattered. But it does.

Now feeling very wobbly; trying to work out exactly what has been triggered by this and why and then hoping I can maybe work out what to do about it all.


theMuddledMarketPlace said...

flip, well you've certainly had a full day.

waves from here as you process loads

enjoy the yoga!

La-reve said...

Hi C

A lot going on there no wonder you feel a bit fragile there. I think going back to a med that has worked for you before may be useful there - although there may be a few more wobbles initially. Thinking of you- As you put it, stay safe x

Mandy said...

Hi C

I would be wobbling too if I was sort of forced back to a team that I had problems with before. Dredges stuff up.

Hopefully shrink will follow up on what they have said and you will get another CC, who you will get on with and will be helpful to you.

Take care there x

Rainbow dreams said...

Hi, am not surprised you felt wobbly - it is normal not to want to go back to where we have been hurt previously...and a lot of other things going on...
you can do this, you have coped with dar worse before, lots of hugs and thoughts from me, K, x

Disillusioned said...

mmp - for sure
yoga was good but felt shaky

la-reve thx. taken valium tonight and looking forward to (temporary) oblivion tonight.

mandy thx for your understanding. I knew you would. problems before were so huge and so destructive. i badly need something in writing - not that things in writing from blpt are always reliable, but my current psych has been good and was recommended by my previous much trusted cc. just feels like all the good ones abandon me.

katie this just feels like a repetition of all the "far worse" things. I feel I have lost a lot of people i trusted. am glad i have my GP and J who I also trust but not sure how to get through a bad winter, it all feels overwhelming right now. the psych asked what care i had among my community and it doesn't feel like i have nay apart from those i pay to help me - that is scary. feel the lack of a reliable parent right now.

marcella said...

Not at all surprised that you are wobbling - very difficult time over which you have no control. I don't suppose it helps at ALL to realise that the staff concerned (including the bad guys) almost undoubtedly didn't have any control over it either.
You do have our support here. It's weak. It's floored (well mine is anyway) but it IS here. Will be thinking of you.

Disillusioned said...

Thanks Marcella
Oh, I know the teams had no say in the restructuring. You're right though - that doesn't really help! Thanks for reminding me of the support I have online though - that really does help and i am not sure why I forgot about it - except that I didn't feel mentioning to te psychiatrist as a source of support would necessarily have been a good move!

Jules said...


Just found your blog via mmp's.

Sorry to read about what's going on in your life at the moment.

I know what you mean about not having anyone you can trust. I too don't have anyone - not even a husband and often I feel like I'm a rabbit getting constantly thrown to the dogs just for 'sport'

I have my faith that's all,and it helps - it's everything I have and I trust God even though he seems to 'slay' me all the time. I draw strength from it and oddly enough it helps me make sense of this senseless existence.

I'm rambling a bit and probably not saying anything helpful. Really I just wanted to say I hear you and feel you and I'll be back!

with love