This is how i feel i am - or would like to be - right now.
is all overwhelming and i feel prickly and unlovable.
scared and alone and wanting to hibernate. wanting to shut the world out and sleep until spring.
self pity probably but i feel inadequate, childish, wanting to be looked after - when the reality is i have to look after others.
If I could find a safe den, and know those i care about would be OK, I would gladly disappear for a long time or possibly for ever. i know i should recognise that the support systems are there, but just at the moment they don't feel like they are adequate, or reliable. I know my GP and J are reliable and there, and i know that is more than a lot of people have, but i doubt my own ability so much that i wish i had someone to walk alongside me and reassure me much more than they could possibly do. J would say I am dissociating back to childhood, when the nurturing i needed was absent for many reasons around my parents' inability to provide that nurturing rather than anything more sinister. i am sure she is right, but i can't see how to compensate for that deep lack right now. i long for a mother who would reassure me that it would be OK, who would show me how to cope with my fears, who would hold me and make me feel safe. i can't have that - and something deep within me needs it - but i can't have it and i can't see how to get over that lack.