Thursday, 30 October 2008

longing for hibernation

This is how i feel i am - or would like to be - right now.

is all overwhelming and i feel prickly and unlovable.

scared and alone and wanting to hibernate. wanting to shut the world out and sleep until spring.

self pity probably but i feel inadequate, childish, wanting to be looked after - when the reality is i have to look after others.

If I could find a safe den, and know those i care about would be OK, I would gladly disappear for a long time or possibly for ever. i know i should recognise that the support systems are there, but just at the moment they don't feel like they are adequate, or reliable. I know my GP and J are reliable and there, and i know that is more than a lot of people have, but i doubt my own ability so much that i wish i had someone to walk alongside me and reassure me much more than they could possibly do. J would say I am dissociating back to childhood, when the nurturing i needed was absent for many reasons around my parents' inability to provide that nurturing rather than anything more sinister. i am sure she is right, but i can't see how to compensate for that deep lack right now. i long for a mother who would reassure me that it would be OK, who would show me how to cope with my fears, who would hold me and make me feel safe. i can't have that - and something deep within me needs it - but i can't have it and i can't see how to get over that lack.



La-reve said...

I think its ok and understandeable to yearn for things we have missed out on in life. Just because you are grown and in a place where you are expected to do the nurturing doesn't stop that yearning. And I know how you feel about hibernating, and wanting so much to escape go anywhere but other responsibilities keep you here and your thoughts hae to be put to one side. Winter can be long and cold, but spring is round the corner x

marcella said...

Love and hugs from the cats unless they would make your eyes itch worse. Thunder the tortoise however is FAR more sensible and couldn't care less about you or me or the state of the world. She plodded through September and then went straight underground to miss winter all together - I tend to think of her as in her 80s but Jill who is her real owner says she's more like 100 and shows no sign of being on her last legs, so there's a lot to be said for hibernation.

Disillusioned said...

Thanks la-reve for understanding. Spring seems a long way away right now!!

Marcella - the cats would make my eyes itch but it would be worth it. I think I'll be a tortoise in my next life lol.

CalumCarr said...

Pathetic it is not!

What you experience is perfectly understandable given your background.

Unfortunately I have no solutions.

Hang in there. Thinking of you.

Thanks for your comment at my place.


Disillusioned said...

Thank you Calum.

I don't think there are any easy solutions. I have to learn all those skills of soothing myself - and it seems remarkably difficult.

theMuddledMarketPlace said...