Thursday, 30 October 2008


That's what my day today is full of. Good so far.
I saw my lovely GP this morning. We talked about how the Clomipramine doesn't seem to be helping - and how I am hating the side effects. I'd be willing to put up with them if the medication was helping my mood or my sleeping, but since all I seem to be getting is bad reflux, a dry mouth and dry eyes (which plays havoc with my contact lenses) we agreed to try something else. So I'm returning to Sertraline in combination with the higher level of Trazadone. Sertraline was fantastic for me for a long time, but then "bottomed out". Hopefully, having had a gap of a good few years, it will do the trick again. Also hopefully the Trazadone will enable me to get a decent night's sleep. If not I have some Zolpiderm - the Zopiclone isn't enabling me to sleep through the night any more) which will help.
I am so lucky with my GP; seeing her fortnightly (as I am at present) she is unfailingly supportive and "whole person" orientated. For example, we talked today about the fact that the sessions I am having with J are undoubtedly bringing things up and that it is a matter of working out which patches I can ride through and which are a sign that something more needs doing. We also talked about the effects of lower light levels and she asked if I have a light lamp. (Which comment has reminded me now to turn it on!)

Then I went on to my weekly appointment with J. Again, I am very aware of how fortunate I am there. Today we started by talking about my doubts around the dissociation and abuse - my tendency to doubt myself - and about the "flooding" which I have been experiencing. It ws a good session - lots of things came up, some were processed; some aired to be returned to later; some need more work. It's the constant triggering of the past which I am finding hard at the moment. Hopefully the techniques J has given me regarding flooding will help - I can see it happens a lot.

This afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm anxious about this on many levels. He too is supportive and good but there is just so much tied up with seeing him that I am not even sure I can go there. Enough to recognise I am anxious about it.

Then this evening I have my weekly yoga class. That is good - something to look forward to. I was discussing with W today how I enjoy that and feel it is good for me. It's a session with others, but (unlike the Body Balance class I was going to) not too many others. I've had to stop going to the Body Balance at the moment because the number of people there just feels overwhelming. The yoga class doesn't seem to have more than a dozen people there each week so there is plenty of physical space. It's also very calming and gives me something to focus on. I think I will look for another class if I can to go to as well. There was one on Sundays at the gym, but unfortunately it is not in the new timetable. A pity, because it was a useful stopping point for my weekly planning sessions as well.

Things are still wobbly, in summary. I'm trying to pick my battles. I'm grateful for the skilled and compassionate support I have. Today's session with J showed me the need to have more compassion for myself - now that's a battle I am nowhere near winning yet.

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